Is it safe for me to try this fantasy in real life?

[Kittens]

Hey there,

Since I was a kid, I've had BDSM fantasies involving bondage, force, and, to some extent, humiliation. Nowadays, I've gotten to try some things with my partner such as spanking, light bondage, sensation play, pet play, etc. When we first discussed boundaries, I decided rape play was a soft limit. It's something that I'm interested in, but wary of. For him, it's something that he would probably be open to trying if I really wanted it, but not something he would actively seek out. Lately, I've been a bit more interested in trying it but I'm still a little scared. I was sexually abused when I was 13 and, though with therapy most of my PTSD symptoms have gone, I still have them sometimes. I don't think rape play would trigger me because, although the abuse was traumatic, it wasn't violent. I know that this is something I'll have to discuss further with my partner to see if he's okay with it as well as decide what's off limits in the scenario. I do plan on having that conversation, but I guess what I'm asking is if rape play would be safe for me? I want to push my limits, but within healthy bounds. Do you think this scenario would be considered healthy based on my past abuse? I am a lot better now, so I do feel like it wouldn't be a huge problem but I want an outsiders opinion.

[Kittens]

I talked to my boyfriend about it yesterday. He said that he'd love to try it with me as long as it's something that I'm comfortable with and want to do. I'm not that shy when it comes to talking about what I'd not want to happen, but when it comes to specific parts of my fantasies and talking about what I want it's hard. I really trust him, and I know that nothing bad would happen if I told him about these things. I'm just not very good at going after what I want, since I struggle with being too much of a people-pleaser. I'm much better with it now than I used to be. I've been able to tell him that I want something done differently in a sexual situation or want to try something new. But even then, I'm shy about it, and sometimes, especially if it's something that he wants to do, I feel guilty and need reassurance that everything's really okay and he's not upset with me.
Is there anything I can do that might make me less shy about talking about my fantasy with him, or do I just kind of have to "just do it."

[Sam W]

Hi Kittens,

First off, it sounds like you and your partner are being very good about having open, ongoing conversations about boundaries around sex, which is awesome. And I think it's sound to be cautious, especially given the fact that you've been coping with PTSD (although I'm glad to hear that therapy has helped with much of it). None of us will be able to tell you if this is safe for, as you're the only person in your head and you have a better sense of what might and might not act as a trigger.

At this point, I think there are two things to think about. One is to continue experimenting with your partner as you have been, and introduce some of the elements of what appeals to you about that fantasy into your play. That way, you may find it's getting satisfied without needing to act out the full fantasy, or you may find that there are certain elements of it that seem like they do trigger you (or your partner). You can try increasing certain aspects incrementally, as that can help you build are clearer sense of what feels good and what doesn't, or if there are any activities or intensity levels that are a no-go for one or both of you.

As for the shy feelings, I say "just do it" is probably close to the good strategy. It sounds like he's very open and loving, so you know that you'll meet with that when you discuss you wants. That being said, some of this is just that talking about what you want takes practice. So you might be a little awkward or giggly when you explain it, but that's okay.

[Kittens]

Thank you for the reply Sam W, I really appreciate it. I think I'm going to try and talk to him about it today. It does help that some of the things I want are things, such as restraint and resistance play, I've tried before with him, just on a lower intensity level. I think that it might could help to gradually increase the intensity level before we try it. Even if we decided to just try the fantasy, we could make it a gradual build up that might make it more comfortable as well as easier to enter into that head-space.
I guess I'll have to just do it. But I suppose that's alright, in the end I'll get over myself and it will likely end up making us closer anyways. ^_^

[Keda]

I suspect you've already thought of this, but if you do decide to go ahead with stuff that may turn out to trigger you or just be uncomfortable for you, basic kink safety is really important. Make sure you've both got a clear way of communicating to each other if you need things to stop, and that it will work even if you're being triggered or otherwise freaking out (for example if you might find speaking difficult, consider a hand gesture or a pinch). And make sure you've got a care plan agreed ahead of time, as in "If things go south, please do x, y and z to make me feel safe/help me calm down/otherwise look after me"