Dealing with a lack of respect from someone you used to date

[bestsundaydress]

Hey everyone,

So I'm dealing with a bit of frustration right now and wondered if anyone had any words of advice. I very recently broke up with my girlfriend due to the relationship being unhealthy and quite damaging for my mental health, but we have remained very close friends. Another issue in the relationship was that I actually felt pretty disrespected and mistreated by her in certain ways which stemmed a lot from butch misogyny - so I felt like I was often not listened to as a femme, not taken seriously, sexually objectified, etc. However, this was only one level of the relationship and she did massively respect me in other ways and I certainly messed up too - and when I called her out on her butch misogyny, she took it well and listened to me.

My frustration currently is that this disrespect is continuing and still affecting me as, as I said, we are still really close and in the same friendship circle. The issues we had as a couple (me playing a "wife" role whilst she took on a traditionally "masculine" role of not helping me cook/clean up, expecting certain things from me as a femme, it being ok for her to talk about girls in front of me but not vice versa) are manifesting in different ways now that we're just friends and it's just really getting to me tbh. If we are to keep up a friendship, I'd like it to be healthy but she continues to not take me as seriously as the more "masculine" people in our group, talk over me, almost pseudo-flirt with my best friend - EVEN after I sent her a long break-up message last week explaining the ways in which I feel really trivialised by her. I know a natural solution would be to stop being friends but considering the fact we are in the same friendship circle I think that would be near impossible. It seems that telling her straight up that she's disrespecting me actually hasn't done nothing, and I really want it to stop affecting my anxiety so much! Does anyone have any advice on how to be more assertive/not let it get to me? Thanks in advance

[Heather]

Have you talked to her about this yet?

[bestsundaydress]

Thanks for your quick reply - and yes I have, many times. Many times I have said "I don't feel respected by you, it's upsetting me". The last time I confronted her about it was the break-up itself and she did apologise but it was a very weak apology and she didn't try to explain her behaviour or anything. Before that, her reaction was always "shit well let's break up", like freaking out over her behaviour rather than trying to level with me.

[Heather]

Argh.

Since it sounds like you're not open right now to adjusting your social circle or interactions, then I'd suggest you try one more talk where you give her very concrete things you are asking for. In other words, you don't feel respected: what do you need her to do differently do that you do? If you can give her very clear, concrete limits and boundaries, as well as clear, concrete changes in her behaviour you're asking for, then at the very least, you can see if more direction helps.

Extra tip: I'd suggest you see about doing this in front of another mutual friend so that you're not the only one aware of the limits you're setting and the behaviour you're asking for.

And in the event that it doesn't, then you'll know you've really done all you can here and are going to need to consider those other options. If it comes to that, I'm certainly happy to talk with you about how to adjust your social circle and some ways you can still be with your friends without having to see this person as much.

[bestsundaydress]

Yeah, that makes sense, although I do feel that seeing as I've talked about it before and she hasn't changed her behaviour, maybe I should be adopting a more "well, I can't teach her to respect me and it's not my job as my self-worth isn't defined by her view of me" kind of stance. On the other hand, asking her to do specific things is really good advice, thank you. Thank you for offering to discuss adjusting my social circle, that would be extremely helpful

[Heather]

I'd say that the missing piece in what you have asked for is that it's lacked any concrete changes you want to see. "I feel disrespected," after all, certainly is clear about how you feel, but it doesn't tell this other person anything about what you need to feel differently, or anything about what, exactly, you are asking them to do.

Mind, it may be when you tell them what those things are they don't agree to do them, or do, and don't follow through, but I'd say that you have to at least put those things out there in the first place for any chance of that happening. (Especially since it sounds like this person literally may not know how to treat you or other femmes with respect, or may have conveniently "forgotten" how to do that.)

In terms of shifting things socially, do you have any friends that you do NOT share? Any social circles this person is not around or part of at all, or is less frequently? Too, do some of your other friends know about all of this? If so, how about asking some of them to hang out sometimes with you without this person present?