Handling It

[Breeze1892]

Everyone might have probably been faced with rejection one way or the other and mine's certainly not different. Finally summoned courage to tell the girl I like how I felt and I was swiftly rejected. Felt hurt as it took every ounce of courage in me to get myself to tell her about my feelings and to be rejected was awful.

I know everyone's going to say you should move on after being rejected as someone better is still out there but I'm not so sure I can do that as I really like her and I really wish I'd gotten a positive answer. Might seem selfish as I'm clearly just thinking about myself but I'm sure everyone's had a moment where they've wanted something and then got rejected but they still felt they had a chance of getting it later.

Question is should I still hold on and try to make her change her mind or just move forward and act like nothing's happened between us.

PS: Ever since I told her how I felt about her, the relationship between us has become strained in a way and making her talk to me like before is as hard as reaching the peak of Mt. Everest. Starting to wish I'd never told her how I felt.

[Mo]

You know, I think there's a third option here. I do think it's important to not push and try to change her mind; obviously she didn't give you the response you wanted, and that's a huge bummer for sure, but trying to change her mind is pretty much guaranteed not to work. It's vital in general to respect a no when you hear one, even if it's not what you hopped for.

But it doesn't mean you have to pretend the moment didn't happen at all. Friendships can be awkward for a bit when one person's mentioned romantic feelings that the other doesn't share, but often that awkwardness will subside given a little time. If you feel like she's needing a little space, I think it's a good idea to give it to her - maybe keep having light conversation or greeting her as you have before, but keep things pretty low-key so she can get the message that you respect her feelings and don't want her to feel pressured. You can acknowledge that too, if you think that'll help - something like "I know things might feel a little awkward since you don't feel the same way that I do, so I will give you some extra space for now but I do want to keep up our friendship." That might make things a little easier between you.

It definitely is ok to be sad and upset that she doesn't return your feelings - that's totally natural. I think ultimately it is good to move on and eventually explore connections with other people, but that doesn't mean you have to be ready for that right now. It's all right to take some time to be bummed about this.

[Breeze1892]

Thanks. Like you said, making light conversations is an option I've considered but even that seems to be forced with her and I'm at my wits end trying to understand her and her reasons for being so cold towards me.

I've tried asking her about it but even that doesn't get me any further as she claims it's nothing and we always get into a fight when I push her further.

I know respecting her choice is what I should do but if she makes it seem like nothing's happened and she starts making things different when we talk I feel like I deserve some answers.

[Sam W]

Hi Breeze,

When you say she makes things different when you talk, can you clarify a little for me?

Too, it can help to remember that even if you may feel like you want or deserve answers, the other person is not obligated to give them to you (and pushing for them can often strain a relationship further). But, also, sometimes people are not giving us direct answers for why they don't want to date us, or why they dumped us, and so on, because they are trying to be kind, as they feel that the real answer might hurt.

[Keda]

And also, bear in mind that much as you're feeling awkward and unsure of how to deal with this situation, she may well be feeling the same. If her solution is "act like nothing happened" while yours is "try to get answers", that's an unfortunate mismatch; it may mean that there isn't really a way you two can talk right now which doesn't involve pulling one (or both) of you way out of your comfort zone, and that's not going to lead to anything constructive. One of the advantages of pulling back in terms of communication for a while is that it allows you both to get to place where things don't seem so raw and immediate, and where your first thought upon talking to each other isn't "Oh man it's the person who rejected me/who I rejected, what do I say?!"

[Breeze1892]

Thanks guys. Seems I've got to make a compromise and try to still be friends with her while hoping that someday she changes her mind.

Ending our friendship is obvious not an option.

Looks like the world's not a wish-granting factory and I've got to stick with the reality that she said no which as much as it's hard to accept I'd take it as the hand that life dealt me and hope for the best.

[Sam W]

If you feel like ending the friendship is not an option, what about at least taking a break or decreasing the amount of contact you have with her? It's often sound, after breaking up with or being rejected by someone, to take some time to process your disappointment and other feelings away from them, and not being in contact with them can usually help you move on more easily (even exes who stay friends often say that there was a period where there was no contact between them)

I also want to caution you about continuing to hang out with her in the hopes that she'll change her mind. The secret (or no so secret) hope that someone will start dating you if you hang out with them enough is not a good foundation to build a friendship on (it isn't a great one for a romantic relationship either). And, it prevents you from going out and finding people who want to date you in the here and now because you keep hoping for some future romance with a person who has already indicated they aren't interested. Plus, most people can sense when a friend has ulterior motives for being around them, and that can feel super creepy to them. So, if you feel that you can be friends with her without holding on to the idea that she may one day date you, go for it. If you can't, then it may be time to end the friendship, or take a break from it.

[Breeze1892]

Thanks. Tried that already when she said no but it just seemed stupid while I was expecting her to call or text me she didn't and that was hurtful. I've tried talking to her without trying to get it into the conversation.

We don't see each other often as I'm in Med school and she's in college and getting there takes nearly an hour so Skype and texts are our only means of communication.

Just feels like I'm holding on to something that's impossible but as much as I'd like to hold on to hoping on to her it'd better for both of us if I just let things take their course.

[Sam W]

You're welcome. I think it's sound to let yourself pull back from this relationship for now, and instead maybe take some time to focus on taking care of yourself and/or focus on relationships (non-romantic ones) with other people. That can help you feel less like you're at loose ends.

[Breeze1892]

Like everyone's told me to I've been keeping my distance and focusing more on school but something strange happened yesterday.

Turns out she's been coming to have lectures at Med school for her 2nd year and we're both in the same class. Been doing this for a month but seeing her made me realize that she always knew we were having the same lectures but she never bothered to tell me about it. Hurt because it seemed deliberate.

Said hi and for the rest of the class just tried avoiding her. Glad I did because it seemed like she was happy and trying to talk to her would just make things uneasy for both of us.

Should I be hurt that she didn't tell me about it as she always saw me in the class but didn't bother talking to me or just brush it off and continue avoiding her and turn my focus to other things.

[Keda]

Maybe we can switch the perspective - why is it that you didn't go and say hi to her in this class before? I think it's a mistake to assume that she's doing things - or not doing things - AT you; it's a possibility, but it's probably equally likely for any given action or non-action that she wasn't thinking about you, or that she didn't make the connection that what she was doing would have an impact on you.

[Breeze1892]

I never knew she was in the same class. It was surprising seeing her in class as I didn't expect her to be there. I asked her about it and she told me she's been having the class along with me and she's seen me in a couple of them but she didn't want to talk to me (like I said before we've now got a strained relationship).

Does it make me selfish that I think she deliberately doing these things?.

With the way things are now between us I'm starting to wish I had never told her anything. Things might have been normal between us but now it just seems like normal is even too much to ask for.

[Sam W]

Hi Breeze,

I think what Keda is getting at is that believing that other peoples actions are about you or are being done AT you is often an unhelpful way to see the world, because it means we often spend a lot of time analyzing minor behaviors in the hopes that they will reveal something about a persons deeper motives or feelings towards us. And, in this case, when you asked her about it, she gave you a concrete answer, so there's no need to divine her reasons further.

I think it's normal, after you get rejected by someone, to wish you hadn't said anything, especially when you're still feeling the sting. But, in the long run, having asked was your best option, because otherwise you would still be wondering where you stood with this person in terms of the potential for romance. Now you have that info, and can adjust your expectations or plans accordingly.

[Breeze1892]

Just an update.

I haven't talked to the girl in question for over a month and it's been odd as it's the longest period that I haven't had any form of communication with her. Tough and it feels weird.

In the period however she hasn't said any word to me even as we see each other on Mondays. Of course I haven't told her the reason neither has she asked me about it. In the past month that we haven't talked however she's been posting picturers of her and a bot on Facebook and it looks like they're in a relationship which I think is the reason why she rejected me.

In the period however things haven't been better with my other relationships as my best friend's left for uni on the other side of the country as it's really tough for us as we don't get to talk to each other as often as possible.

Also within the same period a girl in my class told me she likes me and I haven't given her any reply. Not sure what to say as she's not my type and rejecting someone hurts since I've experienced it and I don't want to look like a bad person to everyone in the class as she's really popular and is liked by most people in the class.

Being at a cross roads is probably the worst thing ever. I've finally decided to forget about the girl and move ahead with my life. It's tough as it feels like everything I try to give myself a chance with a girl it's either I chicken out or get rejected which both hurt.

[Heather]

Perhaps it might be helpful to find a lesson in all of this?

In other words, here you are, having the experience where someone has feelings for you you don't share, and not because you can't stand someone, or think they don't have value, but just because you're not feeling a thing. Given this other girl was your friend, she probably had a similar experience when she didn't share your feelings.

Sometimes it just helps with this to have that shoe on the other foot, and realize that while it's always a bummer when someone doesn't share our feelings, or want the kind of relationship we can, that rarely tells us anything about our value. Most of what it tells us is just that most of us, if not all, have a whole bunch of preferences, both random and not, and they often won't fit with someone else's. In other words, most of what it tells us is just that, as it turns out, we aren't all the same people.

I do think, there is also a shared missing ingredient here, and that's a lack of communication to help everyone close doors they need to and move forward. Avoiding telling this girl who has feeling for you that you are flattered, but just don't share those feelings doesn't protect her from rejection (and it's not your place to do that anyway: she chose to put herself out there, likely being fully aware that this was one possibility, and one she could handle). It also doesn't tend to feel better to be avoided or ignored rather than just getting a kind, clear answer.

Too, it sounds like you could stand to shut a door of your own, by just having a frank -- and again, kind and clear -- conversation with the person you have feelings for. On the whole, and pretty much without exception, resolution is a thing that feels good and gives people peace. It's not knowing what is going on and feeling stuck in limbo that tends to result in lousy feelings.

[Breeze1892]

Thanks for the advice.

Like you said the best thing to do is to close the open doors in my relationships. And I think I've done that, in the past week I've decided to cut ties with her. Hasn't been easy as I'm always tempted to call her and talk but I've realized it's better to let things be and forget about it.

I haven't seen her in class in 2 weeks and I've tried asking her friends and it seems like she's also been avoiding me. It's clearly seems like the best thing for the both of us is just to break apart and forget that anything ever happened between us.

And concerning the other girl I finally told how I felt about her though things have been awkward between us we're still talking in class.

In all I can say the past week has been one of the toughest. From cutting ties with someone that was so close to me and wishing things were back to normal. I know it's gonna be tough to get over it but I'm gonna give it all I've got.