I'm struggling with how I feel about sex

[hawley-smoot]

It was supposed to be a 'family counselor' or something, so I don't really know why my mother was in it. But yeah, I would normally want to seek out therapy, but the complications that my parents will add to the situation if they know what's going on make it add a lot more stress than I feel it would easily relieve. Sorry.

[Heather]

No need to be sorry (though it is sounding like perhaps things at home aren't quite as idyllic as you initially described, perhaps something to talk about in the future).

Just know that that second link I gave you per local resources includes avenues for therapy and counseling where you wouldn't have to involve your parents, should you change your mind or just want to check out your options.

[Johanna]

Also, just in case this is something you want to check out, here are a couple of books titles that you might want to check out.
Yes Means Yes, Jaclyn Friedman and Jessica Valenti
What You Really, Really Want, by Jaclyn Friedman.

These should both be good fits for you: The first one is an essay collection, so you can pick the ones you find helpful for you. The second book is more of a workbook/journal that guides you along as you figure out your own feelings about relationships, romance and sex, and here, again, you can skip around and only do the bits you feel comfortable with.

And in case you haven't seen these, here are some articles from our site you might also find helpful:
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship
Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

[hawley-smoot]

It's not that things are bad at home, my parents just don't understand me. I know that's how most teenagers feel, but I honestly think it's true. Why do you feel that should be discussed?

I would need to involve my parents, as none of those resources are near enough to me that I could get to them independently. Thank you, though.


I'll try to find those books, although I'm not sure if I'll be strong enough to bring myself to read much of them.

Thanks for the links. They've been referred to on here before, but I could definitely serve to read them again. I might even be able to make it through them this time.


I'm really sorry if I'm not being productive enough, it's just that the misery leads to thoughts that perpetuate it.

[hawley-smoot]

In the meantime, do you have any strategies for making anxiety attacks/panic attacks more manageable in the short term? I'm trying to calm down, but keep restarting, and I'm getting in trouble because I can't do enough housework right now. I'm trying to just work through them but it isn't really working.

[Johanna]

I'm going to leave the topic of your relationship with your parents to Heather, as I am sure she had some thoughts in mind when she asked you those questions.

As for coping mechanisms with panic attacks, this is one of those things where counseling would be super helpful: a counselor can help you develop coping tools that can get you through a panic attack. There are some general tips that I can give you, though: some people find it helpful to get active when they feel a panic attack coming on (such as going for a run, putting on some music and dancing, etc), others find it more helpful to do something relaxing (meditating or breathing exercices, etc), and for others it is helpful to do something creative (draw, paint, write, etc). It really depends on your own tastes, and may take some trial and error.

[hawley-smoot]

Okay, thanks. It ended, so I was able to get at least most of my chores done, but I'll keep that in mind in the future.

[hawley-smoot]

I'm not sure how my home life could have contributed to my negative relationship frameworks, however, so I would appreciate some elaboration on that hypothesis if it isn't too much trouble...

[Johanna]

What is your homelife like? You have not really told us much about that, and what we learn in in our childhood about relationships as well as other interpersonal dynamics, and what attitues about sex we grow up with, absolutely impacts how we conduct our own relationships as adults. So if you want to explore a little bit where some of your struggles may originate, we can totally do that with you.

[hawley-smoot]

I understand how many problems start at home, but I'm not sure how my home life could contribute. I have a really normal home life- I live with both my parents and my little (13-year-old) brother, and I have an older brother who moved out after finishing college. I, according to my parents, have always been a withdrawn and stressed-out child, but not to any unusual level, just on the more introverted end of the personality scale. My parents care a lot about how I contribute to the home (chores), and want me to learn how to drive (which makes me anxious, but I haven't told them that) so that I can work, but they don't pressure me about school or my grades. My mom likes to be involved in her kids' lives, so she tries to get us to talk about people we have crushes on, and if anybody at school is giving us trouble, but she used to tease us about it, so she's rarely successful anymore. My mom is a nurse, so my parents aren't particularly squeamish about bodily functions, but they have kind-of religious upbringings, so most of what I learned about sex was either a bare-bones anatomical explanation, or the fact that I was too young to do it. I wouldn't say their relationship with each other has any glaring issues, so I don't think they're bad role models either. I'm not sure if there's anything else that could even possibly be contributing to what I'm feeling now, though, but I should mention that there is some history of mental illness on at least my father's side of the family. Is that fairly comprehensive? I don't know if I've left anything out.

[Heather]

I think their relationship with each other is less relevant than the one they have with you. You have voiced, several times, that you can't ask them for help with counseling for yourself (and to do by yourself), because that will create big conflict. And yet, you also describe them as very supportive, so perhaps you can understand some of the confusion we're having with some of this.

You say here they ask you and your brother to talk about your sexual or romantic relationships: can I ask if they know any of what you have shared here about yours? If not, can you talk a little bit about why you don't feel you can share and ask for their support and help with this area of your life?

[hawley-smoot]

It's not so much about the conflict, but that they don't really understand what's going on, so in trying to alleviate my problems, they'll make them worse. I'm not sure why this is, but last time I admitted that I was feeling depressed, I feel they made too big a deal out of it, so by doing so I was uncomfortable, and they didn't trust me again until I said that I wasn't feeling depressed anymore.

They know that I was with the guy, because I wasn't allowed to spend time with him alone or ride in his car, so our dates were generally at least somewhat supervised. (The three instances that we had sexual interactions were almost all of the exceptions to this). I'm worried that they'll either take it the wrong way, ground me, or judge me somehow for what I did, and I don't think I would feel comfortable saying anything to either of them about it anyway.

[Heather]

And you don't feel able to tell them this? In other words, to tell them that you really need some help, but need them to go about that with you differently then they have in the past? (Can I also ask you to explain to me how trust is an issue with depression? In other words, it's sounding to me like you're saying they have said they can only trust you when you are not depressed, and to be trusted by them, you feel you have to hide depression or pretend it's not happening. Do I have that right?)

What I'm hearing here, on the whole, is that you don't actually feel at all supported by your parents, not in the realities of your life, anyway, and in the things you need support with. I also hear you telling me that you don't feel emotionally safe being honest with them and asking them for help and support, but fear judgments, punishments or reprisals, rather than feeling like if and when you ask for help and support with any of this, that's something they will give you.

Does that sound about right?

[hawley-smoot]

I guess so. I don't know how much of that is a true reflection of their reactions, and how much is distorted by my irrational feelings, but I don't feel comfortable telling them, even if I explained that they would need to change their action pattern. You're right on the trust thing, and I'd add that they ground me or take away my phone and computer (so I can't contact anyone) when they don't trust me.

[Heather]

Okay, so again, things clearly aren't so awesome or idyllic at home with you, given all of this. Would you like to make any effort to change how all of you interact with things like this, or is that another thing you're not open to right now?

[hawley-smoot]

I'm not sure what you mean.

[Heather]

I mean, would you like to talk to them about the way they have been reacting and handling this so that they can even have the chance to respond differently, and the chance to give you some real support and help?

[hawley-smoot]

I don't really see how that could end well, sorry.

[Heather]

Okay. So, I think it's probably pretty clear to you at this point that we stand at a giant impasse, where pretty much everything we can suggest, and have suggested, to help you out, or for you to explore or do to try and help yourself, just isn't something you're open to trying or exploring. Do you agree that that's where we're at?

[hawley-smoot]

I guess that's what is happening. I am reading one of the books Johanna suggested, and I intend to call a hotline as soon as it's logistically feasible, but I must seem really belligerent. Sorry.

[Heather]

I am not getting that impression of you at all. What you sound to me, and what impression I do get, is mostly that you're just stuck and having a very hard time moving forward from your stuck places.

If you're already into one of those books, and have a local hotline/resource you intend to look into, those are steps, btw, and that's great! Sometimes baby steps are just all someone can do for a while, and there's nothing wrong with that.

[hawley-smoot]

Oh. Thanks, then, I guess.

[hawley-smoot]

Is this a place where I can ask about strategies for keeping the ex from bullying me? He wouldn't stop making indirect references to insulting my parents, mocking my depression, and acting like I put a huge strain on him by constantly demanding that he tell me exactly what I wanted to hear (all while we were together, six months ago), and I can tell that it's making the anxiety worse. I don't think the teachers or guidance counselors would be sympathetic, but is there anything I personally can do?

If not, is there a better place to ask?

[Johanna]

This is absolutely a place where we can discuss this! You've said before that you are in touch with him via mutual friends, and he still calls you. Do I have that right? Is there any other type of interaction that you have with him?

[hawley-smoot]

He's in one of my math classes, and also began texting my best friend (originally in order to ask her out, then to try and guilt her into changing her mind because I asked her to say no, and now to complain about his life and intimidate her into acting nice). He hasn't texted me in a while, but the last time he did, he was threatening to tell my parents about some things I said when we were "sexting" (which he, at the time I sent them, swore he deleted) in order to get me in trouble (possibly including a child pornography charge, as I was only 15, when the age of absolute consent is 16). The majority of the problem is what he says in class, though, especially now that the academic work is done for the year.