I'm struggling with how I feel about sex

[hawley-smoot]

There are a few questions, actually.

The first is from seven months ago, when I was in a newly sexual relationship with my then-boyfriend (I'm a girl), who was my first sexual partner. We were fooling around in his car (both naked, but not intending to have intercourse) and he was performing oral on me. At some point, I started feeling really anxious and scared, so I asked him to stop, and he did. Then, after I stopped feeling intensely afraid, and stopped crying, he asked if he could start kissing my neck again, as that was something I had expressed to be a strong physical trigger for arousal. I wasn't really into it, but I said he could, and he assured me that he wouldn't do anything more than kissing my neck, so he started kissing me, and I physically responded, so he kept going until he was doing oral on me again. The relationship had enough problems that I'm not sure if I would have told him to keep going, because while it was miserable for me, I thought it would make him happier and so less critical of me, and more likely to support me when I was feeling depressed and having low self-esteem. I don't remember saying anything that would encourage him, and I wasn't sure if that mattered in terms of what happened; so was it consent? Am I just thinking about it in the wrong way, and should I try to forgive him? (He broke up with me a few weeks later for related reasons, so it's not as though he acknowledges me when I talk anymore).

The second question is relevant to the first one, but more general. Since the beginning of my sexual involvement with the aforementioned boyfriend, I would sometimes feel really panicky and nervous during any kind of sexual activity (which was what occurred in the previous episode, but also occurred on many other occasions starting on the time we got to "second base", and has continued through my sexual activity with him, then another partner (who was 24 to my 16, but our relationship was only over the internet, so I don't think it really counts, but we had a lot of sexual interactions over text, and it really frustrated him how often I had to ask him to stop because I was feeling afraid) who I was with recently, but stopped replying to my messages about two weeks ago after three months. I don't know what else to say about the feelings I've been having, beyond that they are intense, make me cry, and take up enough time that I'm probably losing hours of sleep and/or productive time a week; and they've more recently become common even when I'm having sexual thoughts and am alone, such as when I masturbate. I put up a request for advice on another site, but if it's being considered, it's not published yet, and it's escalating to the point that I'm having trouble trying to cope. I don't know who I could ask about it, what I could do about it, or why it's happening. What is going on?

If someone understands either of these situations, and could help, it would be much appreciated.

[Johanna]

Welcome to Scarleteen, hawley! I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so much fear. Let's see if we can help you figure out what's going on.

First things first, regarding the situation that you described in the first paragraph: I think your intincts are spot-on. What happened was not okay. You were upset, you asked him to stop and you two even negotiated a boundary, and then he stepped right over that. He went beyond an agreement he had made with you and did not obtain your consent for that, so that was non-consensual. I'm sorry that that happened We can talk some more about how that is making you feel, and where to go from here.

I want to ask a couple of questions, before we talk about your fears, just to get a better understanding of some of what you've talked about here. What was your relationship with your ex-boyfriend like? Was what you've described here an outlier, or was he generally not super respectful of you? Did you feel comfortable and safe with him? Did sexual activity happen at a pace you were comfortable with?

What about the partner you met on the internet, was that before or after the boyfriend that you talked about in your first paragraph? Can you also tell us a little bit more about the dynamics of your relationship? How did you meet, how did you feel about the relationship, did you feel comfortable interacting with him in non-sexual situations?

[hawley-smoot]

Thank you, I appreciate the help.

I wasn't sure if I at some point after he started kissing me again if I communicated to him somehow that I wanted to keep going. I think I enjoyed it at the time, but feel very guilty and shameful about it in retrospect.

The relationship with my ex was not really a healthy relationship, as it gave me depressive/suicidal leanings (which I have not had since the end of the relationship) and codependent tendencies. I think at one point he actually admitted that he didn't respect me, but that was based on a specific part of my behavior. In general, I think he was very critical of me, my friends, and my family, and that caused me to act in ways I normally wouldn't so that he would be nice to me. I definitely told myself that I felt comfortable and safe with him, but it's too hard to tell in retrospect how I felt, because I've been afraid of him since he broke up with me. I did feel very nervous when we were intimate, and I don't know how supportive he was of it, because I intentionally moved sexual activity at a pace faster than I would have wanted because he was affectionate and kind when I did. I feel mostly at fault for the sexual problems in the relationship for that reason.

I met the man on the internet a month or two after the breakup, and I talked to him mostly because he flattered me, but then he proposed that we have an online D/s relationship, with him as the dominant and me as the submissive. Up until very recently, I had an interest in BDSM, particularly the D/s situations within it; so I agreed to it. I think he genuinely felt bad when I kept getting hurt, but he would just get angry or refuse to talk to me in a sexual manner when I was interested, because similarly, I initiated sexual contact to get positive attention that I lacked. I'm not sure whether I was comfortable interacting with him in nonsexual situations, because after the first few weeks, we only had sexual conversations. I also feel at fault for most of the problems in this relationship for these reasons.

[Johanna]

Given what you are saying about both of those relationships, I am not really surprised that you're experiencing feelings of fear in sexual situations. Neither of those relationships sound like they were safe spaces in wich you could explore your sexuality. If we experience a lot of negative feedback to something, sooner or later we are going to intrinsically connect that event with the negative feelings and anticipate them. And it sounds like that's what has happened here: you've experienced a lot of feelings of anxiety and fear around sex, and now those feelings start all on their own before anything has even happened yet.

That is a pretty crappy space to be in, for sure. But the good news is that it does not have to stay that way.

The first thing I would suggest is that you hold off on any partnered sexual activity for a while. If I understand correctly, you are not seeing anyone right now? So that means that you can use this time to focus on yourself, and on healing, and on figuring out what happened so it does not have to happen again.

One thing that is jumping out at me is that you feel "at fault" for the problems in both of those relationships. Do you have any idea why you feel that way?

[hawley-smoot]

What would constitute the kind of safe space you describe, then? I had a pretty active role in creating the sexual environments of those relationships, although I don't feel that I had very much control in the rest of either relationship, which was a result of my own actions as well. I also feel that the problems were my fault, because I wasn't comfortable reciprocating in what they did for my benefit, which made them more likely to become frustrated or bored with me.

There isn't anyone I would even be interested in having partnered sexual activity with anyway, which is good because I don't have to worry about hurting their feelings by freaking out all the time. How do I heal from this? I can't do anything alone without feeling badly, but I do it a few times a week anyway.

I know that I am at fault, because I initiated sex to get attention when I was feeling neglected or needed validation. I initially started with the first guy because I was curious and thought it was what I wanted, and I thought that it was what he wanted, and then I continued the sexual aspects of the relationship while violating my own boundaries because I both felt that he expected me to and that he would resent me or abandon me if I didn't. Both the guys expressed that they didn't want to go any farther or do any more than I was comfortable with, but I didn't do what they wanted for me. When they said that we should slow down because I was obviously uncomfortable, I felt like the first would just be mad at me even more than he already was, and the second wouldn't respond to my messages.

[Johanna]

In either of the relationships, did you feel comfortable with your partner? Did you have an honest relationship in which you discussed wants and needs, as well as boundaries? Were you able to communicate freely about sex, and did you do so before you became sexually active?

A safe environment is one in which both partners are able to be honest, feel comfortable, and feel able to voice boundaries. From what you are saying it, it doees not sound like that was the case in either of your relationships. How do you feel?

Now, even in the safest of relationships, someone may step over their own boundaries, or engage in activities that they aren't ready for. It sounds like that's what's happened, and we can talk about why you felt you needed to speed up the pace, and do things you did not necessarily want to do. But a respectful partner might have checked in with you, asked how you are doing. Instead, you are saying that one of your partners responded with anger, or ignored boundaries you'd stated, and you say your feared your second partner would ignore you if you were honest with him. So even though you initiated sex in your relationships, it doesn't sound like you did so in a safe space, and it does not sound like you had partners who treated you with a whole lot of respect.

Now if you want, we can talk some more about why you wanted to initiate sex, and also why you are still continuing to masturbate right now even though it leaves you feeling so badly.

[hawley-smoot]

I dunno anymore. I think so.

I think I'm overreacting and shouldn't have posted anything at all.

I'm incapable of impartiality, so I have a feeling it was much more my responsibility than it seems from what I said.

I don't really see the point, I don't know how it could make anything better. I'm sorry for taking up so much of your time, I see now that my problems aren't worth it.

[Johanna]

I don't think you are overreacting at all, hawley. If you felt the feelings you described, then you felt them. Your feelings are valid. I am not sorry that you posted here, and I think it is absolutely worth it to talk about what you are feeling. I'm still here to talk to you about this and try to help you, and I am not going anywhere. So whenever you feel up to it, I would be happy to continue this conversation with you, alright?

[hawley-smoot]

I think I must have misled you, I am the only one at fault for my problems, and I don't see the point in trying to talk about it when that only makes it worse. I don't know what I might be missing by feeling this way, but I shouldn't have said what I did, it isn't fair to the people I was involved with. I posted here because it's starting to take over my life, but I think this was just bound to happen, and it was only a matter of time.

[Sam W]

Hi hawley-smoot,

I know the instinct to blame yourself for what happened is strong. But believe me (and Johanna) when we say that, from where we're standing it doesn't look like your fault. That might be something to keep in mind when those thoughts come up. That's not too say that how you're feeling now is wrong or invalid. But from our perspective, you're not being unfair or somehow lying in how you're describing this too us.

I also want to say that, if you are not seeing a counselor or similar for how you're feeling, that might be a sound thing to pursue, and we are more than happy to help you work out how to access that type of resource.

[hawley-smoot]

There's not any way that I could see a counselor, but thanks anyway.

[Johanna]

Regardless of who is responsible for what happened, you are feeling badly now, and no one deserves to feel badly. I hear from your posts that you are feeling overwhelmed, and if you are interested, we can help you find ways to get some help, including finding local resources for professional help. But if you'd rather leave it as is for now and take a break from this conversation, we'll also respect that. You're in charge, and you get to decide what you need right now.

Edited to add: I see you responded while I was typing. If you want to tell us why you do not think you can see a counselor, maybe we can find ways to work around that.

[hawley-smoot]

It's too late for me to keep it from happening at this point, so I guess it doesn't really matter to me at all.


I can't see a counselor because my family can't know, and I'm not independent enough to be able to do anything on my own from a purely logistical standpoint.

[Sam W]

Okay, we've given you quite a bit of info and a lot of stuff to process all at once and that can be super overwhelming. Something that might help at this point is to take a few days (or as much time as you need) to sort of process and think through what we've talked about, and then decide how you'd feel most comfortable proceeding (if you want to come back at all).

Too, just as an aside about counselors, if you are currently in school, you may be able to access resources that way that your parents will not know about

[hawley-smoot]

Alright. As my last question, do you have any strategies for coming to terms with the fact that I'll be feeling this way for at least the next few years?

Nobody at my school can know, either. It's too personal.

[Sam W]

The thing is, we can't tell you about the next few years and what they will be like (as much as I wish I could predict the future, I can't). But, one thing I can say is that we have users in this space who have been around for years, and who we've talked with through multiple events and life changes. So, this can be a space for you to process things and talk with us in an ongoing way. You don't have to have all the answers today. We'll still be here tomorrow.

[hawley-smoot]

I don't mean to ask for all the answers in the next few years, I'm just asking for either an alternative to crying myself to sleep 5-9 times a week, or a way if beginning to accept that I'm doing so. Attempts to process will be redundant and counterproductive, as even talking about it in this context triggers the anxiety and makes me feel even more guilty than I did before.

[Johanna]

Working through something is almost definitely going to make you feel pretty anxious at the start. After all, feelings that need working through and processing are usually pretty big and uncomfortable - that is why they need processing in the first place. But that is also pretty much the only way to tackle something and put it behind you. Trying to suppress something may seem like a short-term fix, but it's really not any kind of fix, becasue it just allows the feelings to fester and keep making you feel bad.

So while I totally understand the impulse to run and hide, I really can't advise that. And that's why we also can't give any tips on how to accept crying yourself to sleep. If this is where you're at right now, of course it is important to be patient and compassionate with yourself, but ideally you'll work towards finding healthy ways to cope with your feelings, and eventually, to get to a point where you're not having these feelings anymore, or only having them rarely.

Like Sam said, we get that that's an overwhemling prospect, and no one is saying that you need to start right now. But whenever you feel up for it, we'll be happy to help.

[hawley-smoot]

Okay, then, it's just that it's hard to fit things like feelings into my schedule right now, but it's getting to the point that not dealing with them takes even more time than dealing with them. Where do I start?

[Johanna]

I don't know that there is ever an ideal time to deal with negative feelings. It sucks to have to make time for that, and I completely understand your feelings of resentment towards that.

I think a good place to start would be for your to think about the questions I posted further up in the thread, and then for us to see where those answers may lead us.

First of all, though, I want to link you to an article you might find helpful: Self-Care When It's Scary. You've been through some emotional stuff today, talking about those feelings and considering the prospect of working through them, and that can't have been easy. I want to make sure that you're being compassionate with yourself, and taking good care of yourself.

[hawley-smoot]

I'm assuming you're referring to the questions you asked about my previous relationships. I considered myself to be comfortable with my first boyfriend, although I felt a bit intimidated by him because he was much smarter than me. I think we both tried to maintain honesty in the relationship, but he has trouble controlling his emotions, and I was sometimes unwilling to be honest because I thought that telling the truth would make him unhappy or cause him to suggest we break up, which is what he did when he felt insecure in the relationship. I generally have a pretty flippant view of my own boundaries, because I do not have particular aversions to any sexual activity (although I've recently realized that the thought of giving oral sex to a male partner is probably not something I could ever be comfortable with), and when emotionally invested, I will do anything to please my partner as long as I don't feel strongly enough about it to be unable to do it. I was the one who initiated the discussion about sex, because I had an inkling that it would please him, and he said something to the effect that it would increase the strength of our relationship by building intimacy and through pair-bonding hormones. I thought our discussion of sex was thorough, but at the time I had no experience, and little habit of masturbation, so I didn't really understand what I wanted; when we began to do things he would kiss me and kiss my neck and touch me, but I was too afraid of him and of making a mistake to touch him back, I guess I kissed back
after he kissed me, but I didn't touch the rest of his body except the backs of his shoulders and the back of his head, mostly because we were embracing.

With the second partner, I didn't notice whether I was comfortable, because I was too attached to the feelings of worth that I got from his attention. He began a discussion of wants, needs, and boundaries, but I also told him that I wanted what would please him, I didn't really need anything, and my boundaries were completely based on how close the relationship was. We were sexually active from the start, we never really did anything else, so it's not really true to say that we discussed before we were active.

In terms of why I initiated sexual contact, it was in the first relationship an attempt to bridge the gaps in the relationship caused by my low self-esteem and depression, I would have suicidal thoughts when we would fight and I was very dependent on him for my self-worth, and I (correctly, at least at the start) thought that sexual activity would make him more affectionate, more likely to feel secure in the relationship, less critical, and happier. In the second, I initiated sexual contact mostly because it was the most reliable way to get his attention so that he would respond, and I felt alone when he ignored my attempts to contact him.

In terms of my current activity, I usually begin to feel physical urges, and I've found that it's better to act on them, because the risk that I won't be able to finish (and so will continue feeling the bodily response, but with the opposite emotional reaction) is small enough that I most often reach orgasm, then begin to feel miserable, but have enough post-climactic hormones in my body that I can go to sleep quickly, which often (though not always) stops the feelings and relaxes me.

Edit: for the self-care link, I would like to use these methods, but I'm too busy. In a few weeks, I will have time for myself, but it's not really feasible at the moment for me to do anything but sleep in my free time.

[Johanna]

Have you ever received any professional help for your low self-esteem and depression? If not, are you at all open to a conversation about obtaining help?

Thank you for writing all of that out, and for trusting us with your story. One thing that stands out to me is that you talk a lot about wanting to please or placate someone else. I don't think you mention anywhere whether you actually wanted to be sexually active, for yourself, for your own pleasure. Did you ever feel that way? With any of the sex you initiated, did you do it because you fully, enthusiastically wanted to be sexual? Was the sex you had pleasurable for you?

I am going to sign off for the night now, but I will be back tomorrow. If you want to respond in the meantime, another volunteer may reply. Either way, I will be back tomorrow and we can continue our conversation then, if you'd like. Have a good night!

[hawley-smoot]

I did see a counselor about my depression, but stopped because my symptoms stopped as soon as he broke up with me, and because the counselor was not particularly helpful.

I was definitely curious and interested in having each relationship, and the resulting sexual activities (I'm reluctant to call it sex, for personal reasons) were sometimes pleasurable for me. I don't know if my interest in the activities was caused by genuine desire, or just a need to receive attention and affection, but I did have a reason to pursue these situations for myself. It's somewhat difficult to think back, even as recently as it was, because in the past few weeks many of the things I found arousing at the time produce no response or a negative response now.

[Sam W]

Hi Hawley,

I will say, it says something about the quality of that relationship that many of your depression symptoms stopped once this person broke up with you. Finding a counselor who you mesh with can be tricky, and sometimes you do have to try one or two before you find someone who works for you (which can be frustrating). Too, as much as we often wish it would be different, counseling usually takes months before we begin to feel or see any changes in our lives. So, given how you're feeling lately, and how much stuff you're processing, it might be sound to investigate some new counseling options.

It's okay to not be able to know right away what your reasons were for pursuing , or to know how you feel about it now(we're mainly asking these questions not to make you give us a concrete answer, but so that you have a space to work through them).

[hawley-smoot]

I know that counseling would be the most effective way of feeling better, but it's really not feasible for me to pursue right now. The immediate appearance of wellness is better than the actual pursuit of it for me right now.

In terms of the relationship, I thought he was The One while we were together, but he started bullying me and harrassing me after he broke up with me, so I'm afraid of him, even though I also miss him.

I've been asking myself those questions for a while, and I'm still not sure what the answers are. Even when I was asking myself why I kept initiating sexual contact when I didn't really have an interest in it, I was initiating sexual contact without really feeling much of a desire for it, so I really don't know.