I'm struggling with how I feel about sex

[Sam W]

I know how that feels hawley-smoot. It can feel like, sometimes, if you could just keep the image of being okay going long enough, things would actually start to be okay. But the hard truth of things like this is that, no matter how hard we're trying, the unhappiness and hurt shows (and the process of trying to keep it from not showing is so incredibly draining). And ultimately, sacrificing your actual well-being for the sake of trying to look like you're okay just means you have more stuff to deal with down the line because the awful feelings just kept piling up underneath that trying to be okay exterior. I'm not saying this to pressure you into a decision about therapy. That choice is ultimately yours.

I think one of the hardest things to find out is that most people, even people who are really awful to us, are not 100% evil or bad to the core. So, even if it was ultimately good for us to cut ties with them, there can still be things that we miss about them. It's not uncommon for those feelings to exist at the same time. I do want to ask, is he still harassing you?

Asking questions is good. Even if the answers are a long time coming, the process itself can help you deal with what happened. We do have a journaling space here on the site, if you'd like access to it, for users who want a place to just write about their feelings (essentially it's like a digital diary).

Something that we see happen with people is that there are folks who either initiate sex because they feel like it's what people in a relationship are supposed to do, even if they're not really into it. Or, sometimes, they think that sex is the only or best way to find intimacy with a person they want to be close to. Do either of those things resonate for you?

[hawley-smoot]

Getting help hurts the people that I care about, so I can't. I also don't want to admit to everyone that I'm having problems again. It doesn't matter whether or not it could make it easier.

I don't really understand what happened to make him treat me the way that he did, and then make him change so much during the breakup, but he's mostly stopped harassing me since he only has my current alternate phone number, and I only see him a few times a week. He tried to date my best friend a few weeks ago, so that caused a new burst of hatred for me, but otherwise he just ignores me.

Okay.

I guess both of those things make sense, although I was searching for attention more than intimacy in both cases.

[Sam W]

I see. If it's possible, would you be able to explain how you getting help or taking care of yourself would hurt the people you care about (also, are those people friends? Family?).

I mean, given his behavior to you during the relationship, this was not someone who ultimately had your best interests or well-being at heart. So, when you stopped being in a relationship, the negative ways he treated just became the default. Also, since you say he's still harassing you to some degree, what form does that take?

It's okay to want to be paid attention to, especially by a partner, and you are not the first person to want that. If you'd like, something we could talk about (either now or in the future) is ways to get the type of attention or intimacy you desire in a relationship that don't require you to also do something you don't want in exchange for that feeling of connection.

[hawley-smoot]

They'd know that I'm feeling badly, and they freaked out about it last time.

I guess so. He sometimes makes spiteful comments that pertain to things I used to tell him, vindictive statements about me, or constant criticism of things I do that he sees (we're both in a Statistics class). A few weeks ago, he threatened to tell my parents about the "sexually descriptive text messages" I sent him (which he claimed to have deleted when we were still together), because he thought they might be illegal, and I think he wanted me to get in trouble. Otherwise it's like I don't exist to him.

I don't know if I wanted it on an excessive level, though; I feel like I demanded too much of them. Is there a better way of either lessening my need for others, or at least communicating that need to my partner?

[Sam W]

And then what would happen? That may sound like an odd question, but their emotions are theirs to deal with. So, if all that happens is they would be worried, but they wouldn't stop you (or might even help you), that's not the worlds worst outcome. And, in truth, we cannot go through life letting ourselves be eaten up from the inside because our emotions might cause someone else a little bit of stress. Too, there's a big difference between actively trying to make someone feel bad and saying to someone (especially someone who is, in theory, supposed to support and love you) "hey, I am struggling with some stuff and think I need help." It can also help to remember (or perhaps remind them), that you are not having these feelings AT them. You're not doing this to make anyone else unhappy.

Okay, I am going to advocate cutting this guy out of your life as much as possible. I know that's a hard thing to hear, especially if you still feel some affection for him. But from where I am standing, he's bullying you, and worse, he's using things that you did within the confines of what you thought was a loving relationship as ammunition to make you feel like crap. That's not a safe person to have in your life. Do you want to discuss some ways that you could start getting him out of your life? Also, do you have any friends who are supportive and kind to you who are not also friends with this dude?

It's not weird or bad, by the by, to want to have connections with other people. That's not something that you need to change (unless our want for them is crossing a boundary that they've put in place). It's more a matter of finding people who will reciprocate your feelings and do things that show that they care for you. And that's not always an easy thing to find. As for communicating, being direct and open usually helps, both about what you need and what you feel in a relationship. However, those approaches only work if the other person involved actually values and respects you and is willing to communicate as well. Does that make sense?

[hawley-smoot]

It was bad enough for me to admit I was having problems once. Regardless of whether you think it's wrong, I won't do it again.

He's as far from my life as he can be right now. My friend, after seeing what he's done to me, is too afraid to completely cut ties with him. She's dating another of our friends, so he isn't pursuing her so relentlessly, but she's definitely not friends with him.

It may not be weird to want connections with others, but it is possible to ask too much of the people in your life, and I'm worried that's what I've been doing. At least one of the guys respected me, at least at the start, and both of them were willing to communicate about my needs. This isn't that relevant to me right now, because I don't have interest in anyone I regularly interact with who would also consider entering a relationship with me, so I guess it's my problem and it's not that important.

[Sam W]

Okay, I think it might help for us to circle back to the beginning and refocus a little. What, as of now, would be things that we could do to help you? And what are things you are willing to do to try and help yourself?

Too, if you'd like, we can talk about some ways to keep closing channels with this person (because there are still channels that can be closed), little by little, in a way that doesn't feel big and scary.

And, for the other questions, I think you might want to read this few articles and then take some time to think about them and what they say:
Love Letter
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

[hawley-smoot]

What can I do to make the actual episodes more manageable in the short term? I can honestly deal with a lot of crying, but when I'm having trouble falling asleep because I'm feeling super scared and anxious, and I only have three or four hours of time to sleep every night, I have trouble finding balance. Everything else kind of spiraled out from there, because I'm not very concerned with finding a long-term solution.

Without changing my phone number, I don't think there's anything else I can do to cut ties with him. I've already talked to a school counselor and the vice principal about his comments (back when he was more direct about it), and they won't do anything, and they told his parents, which means I hurt him again.

Okay, thanks then.

[Sam W]

Okay, for that, practicing some self-care to use in those moments might help. We have a starter guide to doing that right here:
Self-Care a La Carte
One other option is, if you would be open to it, talking to something like an online chat space or a phone hotline. Those are ways of accessing some support, and having someone to talk to in those scary moments who has some kind of training that wouldn't require anyone else to know what was going on.

Would you feel comfortable blocking him on all social media and blocking his phone number (if you haven't already)? That takes him out of those spaces at least (the only caveat is if you think he might escalate to threats about harming you, then you need to have a way to keep track of those threats). Too, it may be that the school administrators think he's stopped completely, so they don't perceive it as an issue anymore. You have a better sense than I do of how they would respond if you told them he was still not stopping. And, is there anyone like a teacher at the school who you feel safe around or you feel would support you.

You didn't hurt him by telling those in charge what was happening. First off, you were doing it to protect yourself, which is a very good instinct to have. But, this behavior does not lead down a good road for him either. If he gets called out on it enough now, it might be the kick he needs to stop being awful to people, which will ultimately result in better outcomes for everyone.

[hawley-smoot]

Okay, thanks. I don't think any of those options will work out, but it doesn't really matter that much anyway.

I don't have any social media, and he only has a phone number of a phone I don't usually use. I don't think he'll hurt me, but I don't think he's been overt enough for anyone to realize what he's been doing, so I don't think I have a chance of getting any help from them. I also did hurt him, because when he told his parents, they apparently beat him multiple times (they're abusive). I tried to keep from them finding out, but he told them, which is mostly why he had been continuing to attack me after the initial breakup was over. We only have one class together, so I usually just do everything perfectly and don't talk to him.

[Sam W]

Okay, I need to say this at the front: He told his parents (and made the choice to do so, and also made the choice to do the things that hurt you), and they made the choice to hurt him. That's what you just told me. You did not make any of those choices, nowhere in that story are you the cause of that harm (expect if we tell a version of it where you are all powerful and everyone else has no self control). Other people did. You are not responsible for what happened (even if your brain is trying to convince you otherwise).

Out of curiosity, why do you think something like a anonymous hotline would not help you out?

[hawley-smoot]

I may not be the proximal cause of the harm, but I am the ultimate cause of it, so even if what happened after the first time I sought authority was not my fault, it would be my fault if it happened again. And I can tell that he's often using me as an outlet for stress in other parts of his life, so the worse things get for him, the worse they do for me, even if I had no urge to protect his feelings.

I was referring to the "a la carte" link, because I have too much thought capacity for anything relaxing to keep me from thinking about things, so the only way I can distract from my current stress, is by introducing new or other stress, and I already have so much cortisol in my bloodstream it's rivaling my brain for the main source of cholesterol. An anonymous hotline most likely wouldn't do anything either, however, because my panic-riddled brain adopts a very egalitarian and existential viewpoint in which everyone else is wrong or lacks enough perspective to understand what is really going on, and I am the cause of not only my problems, but everyone else's, regardless of what others may say. In addition, talking through the immediate attack is counterproductive, because it amplifies the feelings of guilt and terror, and keeps me from shutting down the feelings before I start thinking of ways out. So really I don't know what else I can do.

[Johanna]

(I'm back for a little while, but it looks like Sam's got you covered! I do want to throw one thing out there: I noticed that you are talking a lot about how busy you are, and that you don't have a lot of time for self-care. And if you're super stressed, to the point of only getting a few hours of sleep a night, that may actually be a big part of why you're feeling so badly right now. Are you open to talking about what's keeping you so busy right now, and maybe brainstorming some ways to cut down on that stress, so that you can get some breathing room and hopefully feel a bit better?)

[Sam W]

You are not the cause of his parents hurting him. They are the cause of that. Period, end of statement. It sounds like the stressed part of your brain, from how you're describing it, is trying to tell you that I am ultimately wrong in my call there. If you can, try telling your stressed brain that I have seen this dynamic many times. And if I know very little else int his world, the abused are not responsible for their abuse, and a third party is definitely not responsible. That's like saying that because a dog barked all night and made his folks irritable, it's the dogs fault they abuse him the next day because they have a headache, not their's for deciding to abuse (this is not to compare what's happening to you to a dog barking, it's just an example).

Do you have anythings you like to do that involve other people? Even just meeting some friends for coffee can go a long way towards distracting you (and might make you feel supported and loved as well). And do even reading and things like that not work at least a little?

I will say that, to a certain extent, you are talking to a kind of hotline. So, it may in fact be able to offer you something that you're already seeking out.

If you can, what would happen if you spoke to someone on a hotline and kept them there while you rode out the waves of feeling (because sometimes, when they're big, all you can do is ride them out)? Have you ever tried that? Because, as much as shutting down feels like it's working, it's ultimately not working very well (I know this from personal experience, and from your descriptions of how you're feeling).

[hawley-smoot]

Regardless, then, of whether or not his parents' actions are indeed my fault, I still feel the need to protect him from them as much as possible, even if he would not do the same. (The case for me as the ultimate cause of his pain is that the abuse is not a common occurrence since he became involved in martial arts maybe six or seven years ago, so I made what was an angry dynamic into a hurtful one "under the guise of morality".)

Even if it were logistically feasible from a time standpoint (it usually hits between 11 pm and 3 am, sometimes extending to about 6 am if it comes back when I wake up), that wouldn't work, because my friends are too busy. Hell, I'm too busy. That's why I'm here instead of just doing whatever I used to do.

I usually would have taken my concerns to a romantic partner, I don't do well trying to think things over on my own, and the context is such that I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone else about it. Because I have no person who would be interested in a romantic relationship with me, regardless of the state of respect and/or comfort I would have in it, I sent an email to an advice column (which must have been ignored), and then came here.

I would argue that shutting them down is the only thing that works, the only problem with it is the high rate of user error. I would feel bad taking up the time of someone on a hotline when they could be helping someone who really needs it. I feel guilty about continuing this conversation, too, but the fact that the forum does not require a prompt or live response minimizes the guilt enough that I keep replying.

[Johanna]

I actually volunteer at a hotline for abuse survivors, and I can tell you that, if I were to be talking to you on the line, I would not feel at all like you're taking up time, or tying up the line for "someone who needs it". If you are going through tough stuff and want to talk to someone? Then you're someone who "needs" that hotline. It's what we're there for. So, please do not let that hold you back. If you feel comfortable sharing your location, I can look up some local numbers for you.

Another great space to just get your feelings out can be writing. Have you ever done any journaling at all? If not, why not give that a try. It is also something you can easily do if your feelings are keeping you up at night. They do not require anyone else to be awake for you to talk to them, and you don't have to worry at all that you may be burdening someone with your stuff.

[hawley-smoot]

I don't need it as much as other people, though, because I'm fine on my own, I just wanted to use my time more effectively. I'm too emotional, so I must me making it seem like I need help much more than I actually do. I also don't like other people being able to actually hear me, it's too personal.

I'm already too much of an echo chamber when I'm not writing down my feelings, so I think I'd probably compound the issues by reflecting on how I've felt before, bringing to my mind several different causes all at once. I've been known to start feeling panicky from reading text conversations in which I'd felt panicky before. I used to write poetry when I felt alone, but that was before my brain was such a minefield, and I've grown sick of writing from a seemingly endless litany of reports and essays and free response questions, to be honest.

[Johanna]

You know, it's actually not totally uncommon for people who are going through stuff to minimize what they are going through, and to feel like their situation is not "as bad" as that of other people. On the one hand, it can be part of trying to repress your feelings: if you can convince yourself that it's not a big deal and you're just being too emotional, you can justify not reaching out to get help. On the other hand, some people also do this because they struggle with low self-esteem, and feel like they are not deserving of help, and of other people making time and effort for them.

I don't want to talk you into reaching out in ways you're not ready for, but I do want to give you some food for thought.

I also want to circle back to something I said earlier, since I feel like that post may have gotten lost in the shuffle. This is a copy/paste from an earlier post of mine: I noticed that you are talking a lot about how busy you are, and that you don't have a lot of time for self-care. And if you're super stressed, to the point of only getting a few hours of sleep a night, that may actually be a big part of why you're feeling so badly right now. Are you open to talking about what's keeping you so busy right now, and maybe brainstorming some ways to cut down on that stress, so that you can get some breathing room and hopefully feel a bit better?

[hawley-smoot]

It's been seven months since the worst things happened, and it did get worse two or three weeks ago when I felt abandoned by my second partner, but if it were really as bad as other peoples' problems, I would have had to seek help immediately. Since I've lasted so long already, I'm clearly not a priority or important enough to merit the time or energy of others. I'm sorry I keep replying on here, but I'm worried about what would happen when I stop.

I mostly wish I didn't have to keep thinking about it and talking about it, I just want it to go away. I'm sorry that I can't do it myself.

I'm in my junior year of high school, and the AP exams are next week and the week after, so I have four classes of cramming and rushing through material in order to cover the necessary material. I also have four other classes, of which three are honors, so I have to learn a bunch of sheet music for a concert in a few weeks, a math class to teach, a list of Spanish to remember, nuclear applications to research, papers to write, SAT II's to take, and I have to be really successful at all of it, because I'm only fourth (or mayyyyybe third) in my class at the moment, and I want to go to MIT or Caltech, so there's not much room for error. I also have to worry about getting my SAT superscore above a 2300, preferably above a 2350, in order to be more competitive in the National Merit Scholarship. I'm also trying to run for 1-4 class offices (probably secretary, but also vice president, president, or treasurer, although I'm very unlikely to get president or vice president), for president of my chapter of a music honor society. In addition, I have a month or so before my dance performance, so I'm expected to remember three dances worth of choreography and timing, because the teacher is busy doing other things.

[Johanna]

I have been talking to you since yesterday, and I don't at all feel like you're making a big deal. I think you're struggling with some really tough stuff, and your problems are fully as important as other people's problems, and you are 100% deserving of getting help. I know you're not ready to hear that, and that's okay, but I am going to keep saying it a few more times, in hopes it starts to ring true for you.

Please do not apologize for reaching out to us. This is what we are here for.

As for your last parapgrah - whew. Just reading that is making ME feel a little stressed, too. I hear that you're a super driven, motivated, ambitious person, and that all of this is important to you, so I am not going to suggest that you ditch any of these engagements. Some of us just have a tendencey to go above and beyond, and that's totally valid. But: if you are going to be one of those people who is always juggling a million things at once, it is important that you learn to do so in a way that allows you to take care of yourself, too. Maintaining that kind of schedule is not sustainable in the long-term if you are just running yourself into the ground. So, I am going to ask you to do me a favor. I'm going to ask you to make an appointment with the academic counselor at your school for the purpose of talking about sound time management. They will be able to help you arrange your schedule in such a way that you can honor your commitments, and still get a good night's sleep. How does that sound to you?

[hawley-smoot]

I've heard that I'm prone to melodrama and overstate my problems, because I'm weak and I depend on others for self-worth. So I'm not sure if that's true.

No, I'm really sorry for coming on here, it's clear that I'm being irrational.

I'm actually far less busy than most of my peers, this week was unusually labor-heavy because I had a practice test, an essay, a report, part of a lab report, and a topic review guide (which is like a graded set of questions that count as notes for a unit) due within two days. We don't have academic counselors, and I have generally good time management, but there's only so much work that can be effectively managed before the time has to be cut from somewhere else. I'm only number four in the class- number 1 had two consecutive all-nighters. I don't have much tonight or tomorrow, so I'll be able to run a practice for my trivia bowl team, and maybe organize when I'm going to be tutoring some younger students in Spanish in the next few weeks. It will all be over soon, though.


Sorry, I feel like I'm refuting any kind of help you're trying to offer me, it's just that I don't feel like any of these options are possible for me right now.

[Johanna]

I want to repeat, again, that what you've posted here certainly qualifies as a difficult situation. I also don't think that you're at all weak - you're here with us working through some tough emotions, and you also appear to be a very smart, ambitious young person. (And you know, whoever told you that you're "prone to drama" and "weak" doesn't sound like they were very kind to you, or like they had your best interest at heart. I'd not give that too much weight.)

I am going to sign out of the message boards for tonight. I think you've done a lot of hard work here today, talking to myself and Sam, so I hope that you use the time you have tonight to do something good for yourself. Maybe you can try developing a soothing bedtime ritual that may make it easier to fall asleep, such as drinking some herbal tea or reading a chapter of a favorite book.

Please don't apologize for not taking up our suggestions. They are just that: suggestions. You are the expert on what you need most right now, so you have all the freedom in the world to decide what can work for you and what cannot. In the meantime, we are happy to just provide a space where you can talk and feel safe.

[hawley-smoot]

I don't feel it's urgent enough to warrant everyone's time, though. And the one who said I was melodramatic and weak also said that I was selfish, immature, irresponsible, and sexually boring, but I let him know me better than anyone, so I'd still consider his point of view more reliable than mine. You keep saying that I'm working through these feelings, but I feel exactly the same as I did, so I think I'm doing it wrong. Sorry.

Thanks for trying to help me, I'll try. I'm sorry I'm continuing to waste your time here.

[Johanna]

I don't think you are doing it wrong at all - feelings like this don't go away in just a day or two of dealing with them. Coping with depression, low self-esteem and sexual abuse isn't something that's easy, or that happens all at once. You are off to a great start by opening up here and being willing to engage with us and allow your feelings rather than repressing them. And I am glad to hear that you are willing to keep trying.

Also, as to what that person said about you: I don't consider his point of view reliable at all. When we call someone things like selfish and boring, those are not things that come from a place of caring and wanting to be honest with someone. Those are things that come from a place of wanting to hurt someone. I think he was saying these things to make you feel insecure and upset, not because they are at all true.

[hawley-smoot]

No, but I don't think anybody else involved has had any trouble dealing with anything, so I feel like I'm overreacting. Thanks for continuing to respond, in any case.

He knew me better than anyone, and he's the main reason why I'm here, but he insisted that he wanted to improve my self-esteem because he cared and wanted me to be better. I don't know who to trust.