Scarleteen

Hi There,

I've been taking the pill for about 6ish months-and I've been having my period for around 11 years. In December, my periods had been super wonky, I missed a few months and then it came back-we found out I had some hormonal imbalances. After taking some medicine to kinda correct that, it still wasn't as regular as I would like, coming at weird times and doing we things-so then in June I went on the pill.

I guess I was asking you how to deal with this particular guy, but also guys in the future, where I feel like I've kinda been in that grey area. Idk, I kinda feel stupid for wanting some closure in something that was never really a defined relationship-and that I sometimes feel they saw as trivial. However, I'm sure he'll try to sneak back in at some point, and when he does I'm just not sure how to talk to him about anything emotional or how I see things without sounding crazy because he believes it was all probably super casual and nonchalant haha. Like I don't think he has any desire to be in a relationship, so I'm not gonna be like WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? haha.

Everything you're saying about gender makes total sense. As someone that has studied history, and the women's movement, I totally get what you're saying. I know I should be better about how I view these things, and realize that I am not defined by a relationship in any way. Unfortunately, I think I just grew up in a very gendered family and society, and sometimes I think that impacts me more than I like to say it does or than I wish it did. Does that make sense? I have a very beautiful, accomplished, godmother that is pretty high up in the corporate world. She is not married and does not have any children. She is so fun and I love everything about her. I know that I should look to her, and how she is content and happy, and see that I can make of my life anything I choose and do not need a man or children to define me. I can't wait to hear all of your thoughts on this-thanks so much for your continued help and support!!!

Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with asking him what he wants from you/your interactions moving forward, but if that's not something you feel comfortable asking, that's understandable. What about, the next time he tries to contact you or reenters your life in some way, you just state plainly that while you may not have clarified the kind of relationship you've had with each other up to this point, you're not interested in having any kind of sexual relationship with him moving forward, and he needs to respect that. That might sound blunt, and kind of awkward, but does it sound at all doable to you? (If not, obviously, just say so, and we can work on figuring out a different strategy!)

As far as your ideas about gender and relationships, it's totally understandable that you're impacted by the ideas you were surrounded with growing up: we all are, and oftentimes those ideas are so normalized they can feel very natural and hard to undo, even when we work at it and intellectually know that that's not how things have to be. It sounds like you have a great role model in your godmother, a model of how many different ways life can go without necessarily involving "traditional" relationships, and I'm wondering if it might be worthwhile for you to sit down with her and have a chat about how she navigated that?

I think that's a good idea-I think I need to let him know I'm still not open to having sex moving forward. He contacted me the other day to hangout, but thankfully I had family in town, so I just simply said that I was unavailable because of that. I've talked to him about it before, so I know I could be able to again, and I think that would just be better and kinda help things end better than talking about our non defined relationship haha. Do you think it was cowardly to simply say I wasn't available and not to try to talk about things?

I could see how having a talk with my godmother could be a great thing-however, I've never really spoken to her about relationships before, she's a pretty private person, so I don't want to overstep in any way. However, I could see as I get older, that being something we could talk about together easier.

In the last post I provided some information about my periods and the pill, based on that do you think I may go back to being erradic or stay regular when I go off it some day? When I started it, I started it not after a period and just kinda on a random day, which my Dr said was fine-so my first period on the pill did hold off onto the placebos and was longer than a regular cycle-but I think it's supposed to do that. I have really appreciated knowing when it is gonna come and all that.

I hope y'all are all having a good week-it's great talking to y'all as always

Some people definitely feel better if they draw some kind of line themselves - like letting him know what you're not up for in the future - rather than just waiting for the other person to perhaps make some kind of move in the future, and then responding - so if that's you, then yes, letting him know sounds like a good idea. I don't think it was cowardly to avoid the issue: you've still been figuring out what you want in the future and how you might communicate about it, so it sounds like you just weren't ready to have that conversation. There's no one rule and one right way for everyone, but generally, when there's been some kind of ongoing interaction and you feel safe and like you'll be heard by the other person, it works out better overall to communicate about where you're at. Otherwise, things can get more muddled and awkward, as the other person doesn't know what you want now, and then they're just guessing what they should do, and sometimes they (understandably!) get it wrong. If he knows that you don't want to be sexual with him any more, he'll know not to suggest it, so both of you should avoid any future awkwardness (And anyone who still does suggest anything? Would be sending a signal that they're really not so great.)

Especially with something where you don't have any agreements or arrangements between you, I'd think that it's much more constructive to talk about the future and how you might relate in the future, rather than the past. If you're wanting to talk about something in the past, it's important to think first about what you're hoping to get from that conversation, and whether the conversation can realistically give you what you're looking for.

I think Karyn's suggestion of talking with your godmother is an excellent idea! That's great that you're being so respectful of her privacy: I think it would be fine to let her know that you've been thinking about these kinds of things for your own life and why you'd like to talk with her about it, and ask her if she'd be up for talking with you. Even if it turns out she wants to keep some of her personal stuff private, she may still be up for sharing some of her perspectives and insights. She may even be happy and honoured that someone wants to talk with her in that way - some people are

As you've been having periods for 11 years and taking the pill for a few months, it's less likely they'll be regular. What can happen is that someone starts taking the pill when they're still fairly new with periods and their periods are still irregular, stop the pill some years later, and then hey presto! their periods are much more regular simply because they would've settled down anyway. Clearly, that's not the case for you. Because you have some specific health stuff in the mix - you said you had a hormonal imbalance - the best information you could get about what decisions to make with the pill, and what to expect, would be from a healthcare provider, who'd have the right expertise and knowledge about your overall health.

I realise last time i missed responding to your questions about the work here - sorry about that, it wasn't intentional, it just escaped my mind! Only Heather has Scarleteen as a full-time job; everyone else is very part-time, and it's mostly volunteer work. People who think that comprehensive sex ed should be funded are often not the people who have money and power, sadly! But I do agree it is very very cool to be here, and I love it.

I'd absolutely co-sign Karyn's

t's totally understandable that you're impacted by the ideas you were surrounded with growing up: we all are, and oftentimes those ideas are so normalized they can feel very natural and hard to undo, even when we work at it and intellectually know that that's not how things have to be.

I'm sorry if i sounded like you "should" be any different to how you are, because that's not what I meant to communicate! I also very much dislike the messages that are so often said explicitly to women that we shouldn't care so much about our relationships, that we're focusing too much on relationships and/or a man. We get a huge amount of messages that we are defined by a relationship or husband and children, and then the world turns around and says "you shouldn't define yourself by a relationship/man". I am really not here for that bandwagon. That's an unpleasant and ironic piece of sexism, that we, the indivdual woman, is at fault for feeling a thing that the world has suggested so often. Oh that it were as simple as "I shouldn't feel that way so I ... won't"!? Worked for no-one of ever.

Yes, I agree that I just wasn't ready yet to have that conversation. I think when the time is right, or if it seems like he still wants to hangout and the issue needs to be brought up, I'll definitely say something in order to try to avoid future awkwardness. I agree that talking about the past won't give me what I need or am looking for, and that if need be I just focus on the future.

I'll see if the right timing presents itself in order to talk to my godmother, like if we get some alone time over the holidays or something. I agree that it couldn't hurt to just let her know I've been thinking about those things and I value her advice and opinion. It is true that she might find it flattering-I know she has always kind of looked at us as some of her kids since she doesn't have her own.

My periods have been coming regularly since being on the pill, but I guess that's because of the fake hormones it's putting into my body? And you're saying when I go off the pill someday it would likely return to it's pre-pill pattern? If sometimes I wasn't having my period does that mean I wasn't always ovulating and that my fertility might be a little wonky? I know I'm not ovulating now because I'm on the pill, and that it also makes my lining less so that's why my period has gotten a lot lighter when it comes.

Are human eggs microscopic? I've always kinda wondered about that when I learned as a kid that I was dropping an egg haha.

I love what you said about thinking "I shouldnt' feel that way so I won't..." haha, because that's definitely how easy I wish it was. I'm an educated, modern, woman and I know I should be able to cast all of the sexist ideas and things about society aside, but it can be very difficult. What are some ways you have found in order to try and make sure you don't let them get ya down? You seem so self-assured and it's really amazing!

Thank you as always for the support and guidance you all have been giving me, it's the best! Can't wait to here from you again-I feel like I'm learning so much and doing some great work by thinking these things through!

Just had another thought while waiting for you guys to get back to me, I asked a little about eggs in the last post, we are born with all the eggs we will have right? And you just assume you emit one every month? What happens to them when you're on the pill though? Thanks so much as always!

Eggs are just one cell, so if you've learned about cells in your science classes you'll have some idea of just how small that is - definitely microscopic! So you wouldn't be able to see an egg cell if you looked for it during your menstrual cycle, for example. (This was the first thing I asked when I learned about periods - I wanted to know if I'd be able to see the egg!) I've seen some conflicting information as to whether people are born with all the eggs they'll ever have or if they're able to produce more; it looks like some fairly recent research may indicate that later egg-production is possible but from what I could tell from a quick look is that it's not conclusive.

In general, one someone begins menstruating they'll ovulate once per cycle; you can assume that's happening although occasionally someone might skip a month of ovulating, or ovulate twice in one cycle, because bodies do weird things sometimes. One of the ways that combined birth control pills work is to prevent ovulation from happening altogether; the eggs just hang out in the ovaries instead of being released as they would be otherwise.

Thanks so much for that info Mo! So does that mean my eggs are just kind being stored up for later use, that because I've started the pill I'll actually have more than I would have?

Yep, your eggs just stay there while you're on the pill, but given the number of eggs a person starts with, having a few extra because of ovulation being suppressed for a while doesn't really make a big difference in terms of overall numbers. Have you seen our piece on the menstrual cycle? You might find it answers some of your questions about ovulation and menstruation: On the Rag: A Guide to Menstruation

Thanks for hooking me up with that On the Rag article, it was very informative! When you do start to go through menopause eventually, do you just kinda start having less periods and slowly taper off, or one day is it just gone? Does that happen because you ran out of eggs?

Also, a few posts back I asked if my fertility could possibly be at risk due to my pre-pill period behavior, what do you think about that?

Update on my lack or relationship haha: I'm trying to work on myself, advancing my career, and overall just learning from my experiences. However, I do sometimes find my mind wandering back to people, probably because it's a habit as we discussed, what are some ways y'all have found really helpful to keep from doing that?

(Just poking my nose in to say hello, and apologize for not being able to pick up the conversation with you. Looks like you've had some good ones regardless -- and of course you have, because our staff rocks! -- but I am sorry I opened a door with you I wasn't able to see through.)

Menopause is generally a long process, and it starts with perimenopause, which can, and often does, go on for years, someones even ten or more. If only it were this sudden thing where periods just stop without everything that happens in between, like hot flashes, acne, changes in sexual desire, energy changes, trouble sleeping, and the works. IF ONLY. In a lot of ways, it's usually like puberty allover again, just in reverse. Good times.

Can you clarify what concerns you have about your fertility? Not sure I understand.

Hey Heather! It's great to be able to hear from you again, don't worry about it at all, there are still many days now where I find myself questioning the election and trying to make sense of it haha.

Yikes-I figured it could take awhile but had no idea it would be like puberty in reverse! I guess it makes sense though, since I assume your hormones are changing all over again? My mother had some issues after having her tubes tied and ended up having a procedure that pretty much ended periods and all that for her, so I feel like she didn't really go through what women typically deal with.

In regards to my own fertility, I had a time when I wasn't getting my period (and where pregnancy was not possible, as you helped me realize it still is haha) and my dr figured out I had a hormone imbalance-we are trying to get it better and the pill has made my periods come regularly now, but I wonder if once I go off it they'll go back to being funky? So then I wondered if that meant I maybe wasn't ovulating?

Thanks so much for your help, look forward to hearing from y'all again soon!

A lack of periods will usually mean that someone isn't ovulating (although, unless someone knows medically that they don't ovulate ever, ovulation can potentially start up again any time, which is important for people to remember if they need to think about pregnancy prevention). Per your own fertility and what your cycle might do if/when you stop taking the pill, questions about those are best asked of the doctor you've been seeing about it already. As you can see from the On The Rag piece, there's several different hormones all involved in the fertility cycle and responding to each other, so it very much depends precisely what hormone imbalance you have and exactly what's going on with your own body and health. Your doctor should have your detailed health information and be able to tell you what it likely means for you, specifically.

With your mind wandering back to people, partly it'll just take time, because these things do. There's probably no need to try to completely stop it (and fighting with our mind is a thing that we're all going to lose): instead, try to just observe that it went there, and gently take it somewhere else. What might help too is to ask yourself: what is your mind wanting or looking for when it's trying to think of this person? And what different, more positive, ways might you give yourself those things?

Coming back round to where we were a few posts ago: thank you for the compliment! Personally, I find one big thing that stops me feeling down about the times I notice limitations in how I'm thinking or what I'm doing, because of sexism, is remembering that it's not just happening in a void in my mind, it's coming from somewhere, it's all in the world around me. So, I didn't inflict it on myself! That kind of understanding and compassion for one's own self, even when we're not being quite the person we would want to be, is very healthy and helpful, I think. It helps me too to hear and read other people talking about times it affected them and they wish it hadn't: I hear their experience and I think "ohh I Totally see how that happened to you... and now I understand better those times it happened to me" and "I wish they wouldn't feel so bad about responding that way, it's really understandable!... ohhh, it was also understandable when I did a similar thing". It really helps to remember that the problem isn't me personally, it's a structural problem.

There's something you said a while back that might be helpful to dig into a bit:

I think I just worry about a man possibly abandoning me at some point ultimately, and if I felt I had given him everything it would just make it even more defeating.

I realise that that's deeply personal for you, from your own family experience, and it's really understandable how that's a fear for you. Perhaps if we look at it some, we can help you to de-fang some of that fear a bit, and also to give you some framework of things that you can do to protect yourself in a healthy way rather than things which are more likely to not protect you, but instead keep you from the good stuff.

It's sounding like you're imagining giving up a lot of things to a relationship with someone else, and getting little or nothing good from the relationship yourself. Do I have that right?

Hello! I think ultimately I've always just kinda fantasized about being in a relationship and because he was the closest I've gotten recently, he kinda just pops into my head. But I know I should be focusing on working on myself and my own career goals and passions, so I guess I could maybe just try to steer more toward that?

I think you have it totally right. I think I don't really trust men to always give me what I need or deserve or to make me feel loved and safe and worry that I'll be the main one making sacrifices and contributing to the relationship. But I don't want that to stop me from being open to things when I'm ready-what do you think are some good ways to defang this? Because I do want to find a healthy way to protect myself and not one in which I ultimately become very independent and isolated.

In many ways I also think men are still very much a mystery to me. I have lived in a very female sphered world-being close to my mother and grandmother growing up, attending an all girls camp, and being extremely active in my sorority in college. All my best friends are female, I've always kinda been the "girls girl". Do you think this will have hindered me in some way?

Also, how light is it normal for your period to be while on the pill? I have found that mine have really gotten a lot lighter. I realize as long as you're having any bleeding on placebos you can take that to mean that you're good, but is that just because my lining is a lot lighter? I started yesterday with pretty much nothing (just a little noticeable when wiping) and today it seems to be doing a little more-but nothing like what I had before. Thanks!

Update: Today was supposed to be day 3 of my period (things seemed to be kinda stopping last night and I woke up this morning to not much), a little redish discharge when inserting a tampon but nothing in my underwear or anything-I've been on the pill awhile now and it hasn't been this short yet, could it possibly start up again, is this something that happens and I should just be fine with it? thanks so much!

It's a very common side-effect of the pill that periods become much lighter, shorter, or sometimes non-existent. While many people feel comforted by getting a bleed to see that they're not pregnant, you don't actually need to get a bleed to know that your pill is working as a contraceptive. If you're taking it as directed, you can know it's doing its thing.

(Sorry for the lag in response time, again! The last couple of weeks, many of the staff here have been involved one way or another with our big post-election project, putting together and putting out our document for young people about how to approach the likely way the US is going. We're glad we did it, but it certainly took time and effort, and at a time when many of my colleagues also have personal concerns and struggles to deal with around the incoming administration. You matter, and we and I aren't forgetting you!)

You know, it's not a bad thing in itself to not feel comfortable or willing to put ultimate responsibility for our own needs and safety in anyone else's hands, whether that someone else is a man or not. For any of us, we're likely to be happier and safer if we make sure we stay in the driving seat of our own needs and happiness. There's some interpersonal and practical implications to think about:

- interpersonally: it's never a good idea to rely just on one other person to meet our emotional, social and relationship needs, no matter how great or close that relationship is. For one thing, no one person can be everything, and our own personal world will be richer and more fulfilling if we have a slightly larger personal circle. Too, life is never simple, and it's a guarantee that something will happen at some point where people in the relationship will need more or different support than they can offer each other. That's natural and okay, and it makes a huge difference to well-being in those circumstances if both people have even a couple of other close people to turn to. So, to build yourself a healthier, more resilient, more protected interpersonal life, it's important to have a few people who you really value and know you can rely on, and who really value you. What does your close circle look like at the moment? Do you feel like you have enough of the right kind of people in your life, who you feel really good to know and who you know you could turn to if you needed them?

- practically: it's important that each of us feels able to be self-reliant, about the basic, big stuff. This is a bit complex, because of course humans always need to lean on each other, it's natural for shared households to share some responsibilities, and some people (eg with some disabilities and/or health needs) need someone to do some tasks. But what I mean is, if everything suddenly went to hell and/or any one person suddenly let us down in the hugest way imaginable, we should have the resources - including asking other people and networks for help if we need it - to be able to get through it, somehow, even though it'd likely be very hard and unpleasant. It should never feel like it'd be the end of the world or we truly have no idea what we'd do if one person turned everything upside down. Sometimes, being able to look this kind of practical situation in the face and know that we could get through it, if we really had to, can help us not to feel quite so afraid of it, and give us confidence in our own abilities. How do you feel about your own ability to face and manage difficulties?

How do you feel generally about meeting and getting to know new people? Is it something you do sometimes, or not so much? Can you fill us in some, too, on how a getting-to-know-someone would go for you? If you meet someone, what sort of timescale do you tend to have before thinking things like, this is someone you like, or this is someone you'd like to have in your life, or, this is someone who could become important in your life?

In your life generally, how good would you say you are at identifying your own wants and needs, giving them their fair importance, and asking another person for those?

Hi again! Thanks for letting me know that it's very common for your periods on the pill to become much lighter, shorter, or sometimes non-existent and that I can trust that it's doing it's thing. I haven't been up to anything, and I know what I've done isn't a risk based upon y'all's articles, I've just never seen it this light before haha. I guess I should probably count it as a blessing . And you can still count on bleeds you've had previously if nothing has happened right?

I didn't know you were working on this post-election document, but it's definitely something I will look forward to seeing. I have struggled with how to move forward, as I know many of you have. I really appreciate you taking the time to show me that I matter and you aren't forgetting me! You have been so amazing and a really big help in my life!

I definitely agree with what you're saying about not relying on someone else for your own needs or happiness. I am pretty independent, and have gotten a lot better about being content with myself as I have gotten older-but I think ultimately I always pictured walking through life with a partner (although I don't mean it's something I need to necessarily be doing right now-I'm still very young in my 20s).

Currently my close circle is full of my girlfriends and my family. I have my friends from school, many of who I still feel close to, but I always have my few best friends. I then I also have my good friends in the town I live in now whom I feel like I can turn to. In my life, I have definitely been blessed by my friendships and the family support I have had (minus my father).

I feel like I've gotten a whole lot better about my own ability to face and manage difficulties. A few years ago when I was looking for a new job, I was very upset and constantly felt like a failure. Currently, I am also not exactly where I want to be in my career, but I am working, picking myself up by my bootstraps, and trying to make the best out of it that I can. I do not let my happiness depend on whether or not I feel successful, and that has been a big maturing thing for me. I have gotten a lot more comfortable with rejection and constructive criticism.

I think in general I'm a pretty outgoing person that does well with meeting new people. I like having a network of friends, and socializing is important for me. I feel like pretty quickly I can pick up on whether or not I like someone and kind of go with my gut-however, recently there have been a few people, especially guys I have become friends with, that have taken longer to grow on me-like several months even. I think after a few months I can kinda decide if I want them in my life, and then if they stick around for awhile and we are getting along and having fun then after several months they do become important to me. The girls I would say are my best friends now, or the girl who is probably my very best friend, has been in my life for about 6 years. Although my best friends in my town now I have known for about a year and a half, and they are important to me. I like to think I am a good friend, quality time is very important for me. That is probably my love language, and it's how I show people I care or feel that they care.

I think I've gotten a lot better about figuring out my own wants and needs and prioritizing them as I have gotten older and matured, however, I think I need to work on asking another person for those. I think I don't want to seem vulnerable, especially in relationships with the opposite sex, and that I sometimes attribute the way I would approach things to a guy and that just usually isn't how they view a situation at all. Does that make sense? haha

I love how you help me unpack things I have never really considered. I'm doing a lot of good work with myself thanks to our conversations. Can't wait to hear from you again! <3

Hi Scarlett, hope you don't mind me popping back in.

It sounds, from what you've posted here, like you have a lot of really wonderful people and relationships in your life, balanced with a good amount of independence and self-reliance, which is fantastic. The thing that really stood out to me, though, was your comment about vulnerability: could you talk a bit more about what it is about seeming vulnerable that makes you uncomfortable, specifically in your interactions or relationships with guys as opposed to your girl friends? I ask because anytime we form a relationship with someone - of any kind - there's a certain degree of vulnerability involved; sharing our feelings with someone else, letting them see us when we're not in the best mood, that's a vulnerable space to be in no matter who the other person happens to be. It's pretty likely that you've experienced being vulnerable with your friends, so what do you think feels different about that to you, as opposed to vulnerability around a guy?

The big post-election project that Redskies mentioned is here, by the way: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/polit ... ed_america

Hi Karyn, I don't mind you popping back in at all! I really enjoy the support and information I get from everyone on your wonderful team !

I think I have a lot more difficulty being vulnerable around guys mainly because I've grown up and I think for a lot of my life been in a predominantly female sphere, if that makes sense? My parents divorced when I was about 10, but separated around age 8, so I haven't spent much time with my father (my step-father joined our family when I was around 17). I have until pretty recently had almost exclusively female friends, went to an all girls summer camp growing up, and was super active in a female group in college. I've had guys as acquaintances, ones I've interacted with socially, but never really ones I feel like I've gotten on that deeper level with. I have loved the sisterhood I have felt with my fellow women, and I usually can be pretty open with them about who I am and what I'm feeling (I've also felt this hasn't been as hard for me with gay men that I've been friends with more recently strangely), so ultimately idk if it's just something about that attraction piece that makes it hard for me? Or I just don't want to feel like I give them a way to take advantage of me or know my weaknesses, idk. I've always just felt really comfortable around other women. And oddly enough, in my past job I had a female boss and a male boss, and I think I interacted much better with her and she saw a lot more of who I am on the inside-so idk. Do any of you have some tips for me in this area? I hope this won't be something that could really hold me back in the future.

I also haven't really had a serious relationship with a man, so I've never gotten to that point where I'm really being vulnerable and showing them my true colors. Trust is hard for me I think, I guess in some ways I have your typical "daddy issues" which I hate to label myself in that way. I don't look for someone to be that in my life though I think, I'm just more like closed off about it?

Looking forward to hearing y'alls thoughts on this-thanks for the link to the election piece!

I guess I should probably add that I do have two brothers, but that has been different for some reason? Thanks!

What are your relationships with your brothers like? If they've been good, it might help to think about seeing men as your brothers.

Personally, I know some of the best relationships I have with men -- my friendships -- tend to be relationships where we really see and treat each other as brothers and sisters in the best ways. (And also often involve good-natured ribbing that feels very sibling-like, too. )

Hi Heather, it's nice to hear from you again! I would say my relationships with my brothers have been good, of course we have had the occasional sibling arguments like anyone else, but I really love them and enjoy when we get to spend time together. That's interesting, how possibly might going about seeing men as my brothers help me?

On a side note, someone I know recently found out that they were very pregnant out of nowhere, but she had been on the shot I think, do those women usually not get a period at all anymore? I also assumed you would be showing a lot of signs by then. I feel like it's one of those insane things you hear about but that never really happens to someone you know. I know that I'm in the clear based on everything we've talked about, and that being on the pill is a really good option for me,and currently I'm abstaining, but in the future do I just need to make sure I use the pill as well as condoms as an additional backup and try to listen to my body?

I got a chance to look at the material you put out for election aftermath and I am looking forward to having a chance to read it in depth-it looks really great and I commend what you're doing Thanks again for all your guidance and support-looking forward to learning more!

Also, just another thought, I'm seeing the gyno more regularly now, what can be expected at a yearly visit if you just do a Pap test every 3 years now?