Being Control of the Physical Aspects of Your Relationship

[Scarlett1]

Hi Heather,

I talked to you on Friday during the chat times, and you said I should do some reflection and reach back out. I tried to get with you today during the chat hours, but I guess y'all were tied up, so here I am on the message board. Quick side note, I can't believe tomorrow is election day #I'mWithHer! Anyways, I have been doing a lot of thinking about the best/easiest way to let go of the not really anything official relationship/mostly just super physical thing I had going on with my family friend. Everything you said really made sense to me, I didn't feel like I had control with what was happening and we weren't doing enough communication when being physical, and it did bother me, bringing out fears that I think manifested in an unrealistic pregnancy scare etc. You did an amazing job of helping me really look at things the way that I should. I had a wonderful weekend with my friends, managed to not text him without giving my phone away, and feel like I'm doing an ok job of trying to give up on this pipe dream of us having any future. What advice do you have for me moving on and moving forward? What can I do to make sure things go better with my next guy? I know we discussed communication, so maybe the best ways to do that, and anything else you can think of? Your help has been so awesome for me, I still am so glad I got to talk to you, and I really appreciate all that you do! You da best!

[Heather]

Hello again! I was checking in before bed and saw this, but my brain is too foggy to be of use to anyone at this point!

I'll be sure to pitch in first thing tomorrow. (And tomorrow! So exciting! FINALLY. We're so going to win this thing.) Really glad you had a good weekend with your friends!

[Scarlett1]

Heather,

Thanks for your response, I am definitely surprised to see it at this hour, but really appreciate you letting me know you'll get back to me! YES, I HAVE A GOOD FEELING TOMORROW WE ARE GOING TO BE MAKING HISTORY! I'm also really strangely excited for Bill to be the first First Gentleman and seeing what all of that will entail-something tells me they won't force him to pick out any china or decide on Christmas tree themes....haha. It was super nice, being with the girls is always a wonderful distraction when sometimes things are a little wonky relationship wise. I look forward to hearing from you tomorrow!

[Heather]

Okay! Going to post through the nonstop flow of my happytears today.

I have a few thoughts for you.

One biggie is that it sounds like you had this guy on the brain -- and in the heart and loins, to boot -- for a lot of your life, given the close friendship between your parents. It may even be that this person was the first person you really had all these feels about, which has given them a pretty big monopoly when it comes to this part of you.

So, the very first thing I'd suggest is that for a while you not even think about "the next guy." Give your brain a break from there being a guy in it, basically. Let it all breathe for a bit, so you can regroup and get back to a better sense of who you are, separate from any guy, and live the other parts of your life fully.

Then, take some time on and off to think about what you want in this kind of relationship as well as what you need. Think about, knowing yourself better than anyone else can, what you'd need in order to feel like as much of the driver of this car as someone else you're involved with in. What you'd need to feel free to be assertive and in charge. What you'd need to have sex be something you do at your pace, and on your terms. What you'd need for good, clear and open communication in this kind of relationship or interaction.

And THEN, if and when you find you do have these kinds of feelings for "the next guy," whoever he turns out to be, you bring all that to the table, and stay focused on what actually IS, rather than on what you may have fantasized about or dreamt of. And if any given next guy can't jive pretty darn easily and quickly with all that stuff above, or you don't feel is really a fit, you just move on to the next possibility, rather than just waiting and hoping a relationship somehow turns into what you want and need.

How does all of that sound as a start?

[Scarlett1]

Good Afternoon Heather,

Thank you so much for this response-you're really helping me view the situation in new ways and see things that my friends had never brought up/I had never thought about. How did you get so good at this? I guess you've been working in this field a long time? I wish I could be as bomb as you! Election Day Side Note: I'm so glad I'm not the only one crying happy tears haha. I'm hoping they'll continue this evening as the results role in!

I definitely agree with what you are saying about having this guy on the brain (and in my heart and loins) for a lot of my life-I never really thought about it so much like that before. And he really was the first person I had been so attracted to or really hoped I would become something with. I think when a real relationship never materialized I always just kinda assumed we would both move on, as I said sometimes we wouldn't talk for months, especially when I was living away, but he's one of those people that always just seemed to pop up again out of the blue as they do.

I think taking a break is a wonderful step-something I do agree with. No matter how much I want a relationship, which is probably why I focused so much on our potential for one, I need time to "do me". At this point in early adulthood I have a lot to focus on, such as establishing my career and just finding myself. I've been doing a lot of maturing over the last few years-but there is so much more to do. Currently I'm job searching (I have a job I work on the side to make $ but it's not in my field) and I always made sure I was ready to move wherever or do whatever is needed, but letting go of whatever delusions I have had about us should make that easier. At times it was super annoying because every once in awhile he would mention how he wished I would stay, but he never wanted to be less casual.

As far as what I want and need a relationship to feel comfortable and secure with the physical side of things, I think ultimately it's a certain level of commitment and trust. As much as I don't like to admit it, I think I have my own set of "daddy issues" due to my parent's failed relationship, and because of that I've put up a certain wall with men and feared things not working out. I think because I had known him forever, I felt safe enough to try somewhat, but ultimately still didn't have what I needed which was that commitment. In fact, I realized while reading your post that a lot of my crushes thus far have been family friends or someone I've known awhile, I think partially because of similar values and upbringings but also how you said people feel "safer" getting involved with someone they know. I think then I would feel comfortable with moving on physically and be a better communicator. I also sometimes feel a little embarrassed by my lack of experience, and worry most men these days will see that as more of a liability than an asset. I think I am self conscious about that when things get physical, maybe assume they are more experienced, and as a result kind of let them control the situation, which I know isn't right.

I think reflecting on all of this does sound really good as a start, and I know I shouldn't fantasize about or focus on possibilities. I think unfortunately I'm learning a lot of lessons know people sometimes learn when they're a good bit younger, and I'm still kind of figuring out how to navigate men and dating and all that. I think I've been afraid of things not working out or investing time in something meaningless, so I've always kinda looked at men with the idea of "could this be long term" and probably focused too much on that with him, it wasn't there, but I focused on what I thought it could be.

I guess just your thoughts on these reflections? I really appreciate your advice, help, and I feel like you're extremely wise . Every young women should have the opportunity to talk about these things with someone as knowledgeable and caring as you! Fingers crossed for Hillz tonight-looking forward to your response

[Heather]

More from me on all this tomorrow -- I'm too distracted by the election to be of much use! -- but I wanted to be sure to suggest a book for you that I think would be a GREAT fit with so much of this. (I want everyone to have mine, of course, but I think this one would be extra perfect for you.)

That's my friend Jaclyn Friedman's book "What You Really, Really Want," which is a bit of a workbook/reflection book on all this, as well as something with a ton of information. If you can get your hands on it, I think you'd find it valuable.

[Scarlett1]

Haha I totally understand being distracted by the election-I am as well! I think tonight's gonna be a really pivotal moment in our history. I'll definitely look into getting the book-I enjoy reading when I have time, and this is definitely a topic I could learn more about! Thanks for making sure you let me know about it, looking forward to hearing your thoughts tomorrow-it's certainly an exciting time!

[Heather]

Hey, Scarlett: I'm sorry, I know I said I would pop back today, but as the staff and volunteers here know, I am just of no use to anyone right now, because I am too, too devastated. I put it all on the field with this election, as I often do politically, and all that effort paired with how this has me feeling about around half the people in this country right now just has me too wrecked at the moment to be able to give anything to anyone.

That's not the kind of person I ever like to be, but alas, it's the kind of person I am right now.

Please know other folks working here have it a bit more together than I do right now, so until I can get myself back together, I assure you, you can continue this conversation with someone else here, if you like, who can have it just as well as I can. Again, my apologies.

[Scarlett1]

Hey Heather: Please do not worry, I have also been feeling an insane range of emotions since last night. I've cried multiple times, currently I'm just trying to not be seen doing it at work haha. I totally understand you needing to take some time and figure out how to process this-that's also what I'm currently doing. I had such high hopes and feel really really blindsided. I love being able to have this conversation with you, however, I welcome any of your team to chime in-I will also value their advice, and we can pick up again once you're in a better place. Tonight I will be emotional eating and watching anything but the news to try and deny the current reality-know that I'm thinking about you and hoping we can figure out a way to find some good in this situation. No reason to apologize, thanks for all you do!

[Redskies]

Hi, Scarlett - I can pick up with you if you like. I totally agree with you about the amount of wisdom and caring in Heather! All the staff here learn a lot from Heather - speaking just for myself, I'd say bucketloads, really - so I hope some of what you like so much gets filtered down As with any of us here, if you'd like different input at any point, that's absolutely fine. If you'd like to know a bit more about Heather and their career, there's http://www.scarleteen.com/the_scarletee ... volunteers , and then there's http://www.scarleteen.com/about_scarleteen which is more about the place as a whole, but Heather is the founder, so.

Btw, I am also upset about the political situation, even though I'm insulated (by my location) from the domestic implications. My biggest of thoughts are with all of you - and likely will be for a long time - who are upset and don't have that insulation.

I think there's a lot of very smart and helpful stuff in your reflections. One thing I'd observe is that your interactions with this guy seem very much to have all been on his terms: he pops back into your life when he feels like it, when it suits him, for what he wants. I don't hold with the notion that relationships automatically involve sacrifice, but they do involve negotiating and giving. Receiving something - kinds of communication that work for us, respect and compassion, a relationship structure that also suits us, something - is a thing we all deserve in any kind of relationship, and I'm not hearing that from him at all. That's pretty selfish and disrespectful in my book, and you deserve better.

Someone hopping in and out, rarely and unpredictably, can also function as a big hook to keep us hanging on. There's just enough of a tiny sign, just often enough, that there might be something for us with this person that we end up more determined and more committed to keep trying and maybe someday we'll get the result we were hoping for. It's a hard thing to break out, and a hard thing to let go of definitively. But truly, when something and someone has been the same way for a good period of time, there's no reason to think it'll ever be different.

You asked in your first post about moving on and moving forward - I have a few thoughts that might help. When someone's been in your head and your daydreams for a long time, part of moving away from that is actually habit-breaking. When someone, and maybe-someday-being-with-that-someone, has been in our head so much, some of that is because of habit. So, one thing that can really help is to create some new dreams. Take some time to think about and create some dreams: what do you want in your life, just for you? When you're wanting to think about good possible things in the future, what are those for you? For this, I'd suggest you just think about you, rather than you-and-a-someone, to help you get used to focusing on yourself and your own happiness. Then, when this guy pops up in your thoughts - and he will for a while, and that's okay - you can say to yourself something like, huh, okay, but no, that's an old dream that wasn't working out and wasn't being good for me, let's swap it out for a newer better dream. And swap it out in your head for one of the things you've decided you'd rather think about.

With time, you should find that you end up thinking about him less, and that it gets easier to not think about him. It's okay if it's hard for a while! Letting go of something we've wished for is a hard thing to do. Too, I don't think you're on the older end of this learning curve, at all: there are plenty of people, of all ages, who have a mighty hard time letting go of their wish about who someone else is and how that someone else would behave.

No matter what kinds of sex someone has had before, if they're new to sex with you, they won't know what you like. So, you always have something new and significant to bring, and your wishes and interactions will always be equal to theirs. Too often, I think, sex is seen as a skill: that's actually pretty inaccurate, and instead, it's a shared, co-operative activity. Someone can learn things about what they tend to like as an individual in partnered sex, and take that into future interactions with future partners, sure; but they'll know absolutely squat about the kind of partnered sex you both might create together!

I'd also pick up on the thing you said about being afraid of things not working out, of "investing time in something meaningless". Can you talk a bit more about what those things look like to you, and what's frightening about them?

[Scarlett1]

Hi Redskies,

So I guess that means you're living out of the country currently? That has also been one of my biggest concerns about the situation, how we will be viewed by other nations and leaders. I'm hoping he can learn to play nicer in the sandbox of life haha.

Hearing your thoughts has really helped me to understand just how selfish he was, and I agree, I don't think I should really expect any kind of change in his behavior. I liked how you said thinking about yourself with that person becomes a habit, that really does make sense, and I should focus on dreaming about the things I want for myself in my own life. I think I'm definitely doing better of thinking of him less, but I liked how you said when those thoughts pop up to just kinda focus on my own goals and where I'm headed. I also think it's a great idea to think just about myself, not me and a someone, because I think that's dreaming I've done my whole life.


When it comes to what you said about people viewing sex as a skill, I liked how you said it was a co-operative activity and something you kinda figure out with each partner.

When I was talking about investing time in something that wouldn't work out or something meaningless, I guess ultimately I am afraid of pouring my heart into a relationship and having no end game and facing dissapointment. I think because of my parents divorce I fear that happening to me and just heartbreak in general. I probably ultimately have trust issues, but know I need to let people build that trust with me.

I also think one reason I'm not super experienced sexually is because I feel like it is a big deal for me to have those interactions and it is emotional for me. However, i do want to have a good relationship eventually and find a partner. What do you think I should be doing to make that a possibility for some day? Thanks for all your help, I really appreciate it!

[Redskies]

I'm not from the US I'm British by origin, but settled in continental Europe. Still have a pretty big stake in US politics, though, because the US is a major world power, and because of the colleagues and users here who are in the US. No-one in Europe should be judging the US as a whole, because goodness, we seriously need to look in our own back yards at some very similar issues; but yes, I'm deeply concerned at what such a person with such power might do. As someone who does anti-abuse work, I'm also sick that a predatory, manipulative liar has got to this point - but that's a thing that I've still not felt up to really thinking about or processing yet, honestly.

I'm glad to have been helpful!

What would be disappointing to you? Being afraid of heartbreak is a legitimate fear, i think: it hurts, and it's hard. The thing is, there's no guarantee for any kind of relationship. Change - of situations, of people - is a part of life, and even just as human beings, we're all impermanent. That can certainly be very hard to come to terms with. If something ends, does that make what it was seem different to you?

Can I ask what things about your parents' divorce seem significant to you? I realise that can be a very personal thing for some people and you might not feel okay talking about it, and that'd be fine. I'm asking because you're identifying it as having an impact on how you feel about relationships now, and if you're able to see where some of it might be coming from, that might be helpful for you for finding ways to work with it.

Per having relationships in the future: first, I'd think, really focus on you. Not on how to be anyone's partner or how to find or have a suitable partner, but just you. Who you want to be, what you want to do in life, what makes you happy, what you enjoy, what new things you might want to try. That's not even about you-as-an-individual-is-more-important-than-relationships stuff; it's that the answers you find - and the large amount of other things you find out about yourself along the way! - are really vital to knowing what to seek out in relationships when the time comes, and it's hard to find the answers if you're not making a lot space for your own self in your head and your life. Then, I would absolutely second Heather's advice from up-thread:

Then, take some time on and off to think about what you want in this kind of relationship as well as what you need. Think about, knowing yourself better than anyone else can, what you'd need in order to feel like as much of the driver of this car as someone else you're involved with in. What you'd need to feel free to be assertive and in charge. What you'd need to have sex be something you do at your pace, and on your terms. What you'd need for good, clear and open communication in this kind of relationship or interaction.

As an example, if having this kind of relationship is a big deal and emotional to you, you absolutely get to honour that and to seek out people who will respect and honour it too. It might mean you want a slower pacing so that you have time to build intimacy in other ways; if that were the case, you'd probably want to seek out people who are compatible and happy with that slower pace, and who also want to build intimacy in other ways with you. Does that help you get a sense of how to go about this?

[Scarlett1]

Yea, I feel he definitely doesn't have women's best interests at heart . At this point I'm just kind of hoping the wheels of government turn very slowly and he isn't able to achieve most of what is on his insane agenda, followed by a replacement in 4 years haha . I love that you're British, I've visited about 3 times now, and always enjoy my trips. However, I went around this time last year and it was freezing haha.

I don't think if something ended it would make what it was seem different to me, and I should learn to just enjoy things, I think as I've started to get older I've been thinking I need to find more serious things that would hopefully last, but I know in reality I'm still pretty young and have time.

When it comes to my parents divorce, my father just really changed and lot and didn't/was no longer able to take care of his obligations as a husband and father. I know that he loves me, but it still continues to be very hard to feel loved by someone that took the actions he took and that just kinda became a bum. They were separated for about 2 years and he just couldn't get it together, so they got divorced. My mom is now in a happy relationship with my step dad, they clearly love eachother, and that has been good for me. Divorce isn't encouraged in my family, it was probably the first and only one my family has ever had (in fact, I think they would still be together if they just hadn't loved eachother, which is sad). So I think I just worry about a man possibly abandoning me at some point ultimately, and if I felt I had given him everything it would just make it even more defeating. Does that make sense? I do feel ok talking about it with you.

I totally get what you said about finding someone that is willing to go at my pace eventually, but working on myself for now.

I think with this guy I just was scared things were happening when I didn't feel we had that emotional trust and security, which really bothered me, so I dwelled on irrational pregnancy fears, such as getting pregnant through clothing or ejaculate getting on my back/possibly butt area, when I've also since gone on the pill and been bleeding on my placebos, so I know I was irrational, and Heather really helped me dig down to the deeper issues. Am I processing that right/does that make sense?

Thanks so much for all you do! You're a lifesaver and rockstar!

[Redskies]

I'm so very glad to be able to do it, and you're very welcome. Thank you for such a wonderful thank you! It's the loveliest thing anyone's said to me all week, and heavens, if there were ever a week for receiving that, it'd be this one.

Starting with your last paragraph: yep, that makes sense to me. Irrational pregnancy fears can come from a number of different fairly-common places, and 1) feeling not in control and/or not comfortable with the kinds of sex you're having, and 2) having other big concerns that you're not able to recognise/face are both in the list.

While I think of it, per you assembling your thoughts on your needs and wants in a future relationship: we have a few pieces on the site that talk about what kinds of different relationships people might choose, what's healthy, and how to figure out what you need and want. If you haven't already seen them, they're likely to really help you out when you do this kind of thinking, so I've gathered a few for you here. Probably you'll want to take your time to mull over them and what it means to you, so there's no hurry to get through it!
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship
Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots
Safer Sex...for Your Heart
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models
When Sex "Just Happened" (And How to Make It Happen Instead)

I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your father. It tends to hurt very much indeed when someone important - particularly someone usually formative, like a parent - doesn't fill their role for us, doesn't step up for us, isn't there or isn't what we needed. Especially when it's a parent, it's also usually very hard indeed for us not to take it personally, even if we rationally know it wasn't personal. From what you've said, it sounds like your father's actions were very much about him and how he was doing - or how well he wasn't doing - and not about anyone else, not about you.

From your posts so far, I think I'm hearing a few different things, so I'm going to run them past you and see if you think they're part of the picture.

I'm wondering if for you, and/or in your family or social culture, a relationship ending is considered a failure? Perhaps something to be ashamed of? Too, I feel like I'm hearing a gendered element to some of this: would it reflect worse on a woman? Or, is it harder for a woman than a man to not be in a relationship?

"if I felt I had given him everything" - there's some stuff to unpack in there. That sounds like you're imagining putting a great deal into a relationship and gaining little or nothing while being in it. Does that sound like where you're at, or am I misunderstanding?

(I know I'm asking a lot of questions! I do have a bunch of things - hopefully helpful things! - to say, but I want to make sure I address the things that you're actually talking about. It's no good me blathering on about anything that's not relevant! )

[Scarlett1]

Aw thanks! I'm so glad I could brighten your week!

That totally makes sense about the irrational pregnancy concerns really not being about that at all. I'm trying to work on finding a way to look at these situations practically and realistically. If I've gotten anything out of it, I think at least I've gotten some good sex Ed I was denied growing up. I went to very abstinence only preaching schools. Do you know good ways to try to not freak in the future?

Thanks for the support on the situation with my dad. It's not something I talk about much, my family is very private and no one really knew of the divorce until it was in the paper. I think it was very much about him, and I get that. I've also done my best to find a way to love him where I don't get hurt when he doesn't meet expectations. I try to do that and be accepting.

You're so insightful! I think in my family/social culture a marriage or long term relationship ending is definitely considered a failure. And yes, I think there is a double standard for men and women. Not necessarily with reflection worse on women or it's their fault, but a double standard for sure with women being single. I think women where I am from also sometimes take it harder too, even when we shouldn't, because we think "our eggs are dying" or just "what if I die alone".

I do think I definitely sometimes fear or think about putting a lot into a relationship and getting nothing back because I kinda saw that in my mom when he didn't deliver. I know though that I want love and I can't let fear stop me. Although I still agree and know I need to work on myself, my career, and finding out who I am right now most importantly. I sometimes feel really stunted since I haven't had a real relationship or behind, but I don't think that's necessarily true ya know?

Keep asking the questions. It's good for me. This has been an amazing way to do work I myself, and you've really challenged me to think about things. Have an amazing weekend, I can't wait to hear from you again and get your thoughts!

[Redskies]

(My responses here to you are a little slower than I'd like: I'm sorry for that! We're a bit lower on staff than we'd like, for probably obvious reasons this week, so we're working more thinly than we'd ideally choose.)

If someone's feeling very freaked out about anything, I'd say that's an indication that something isn't right and needs addressing. So, I don't have specific advice about how to not freak out in the future. I'd say that that's coming at the question from the wrong way around: I don't think a freak-out is a thing to solve and to make go away, I think it's a sign that something is up, and the best way of dealing with it is to address the something. I hope that that's part of what we (collectively) are doing in this conversation, looking at what was up for you in your interactions with that guy, so that you can choose situations in the future that feel better to you and are more what you need, and so you can avoid situations that don't fit with what you need and want.

It's a pretty common thing that a relationship ending is considered a failure. The more I think about it, though, the less sense it makes. Does that mean that a relationship is successful so long as it continues, or if the people never break up? Do we want that to be the deciding factor, the only thing that really matters, about a relationship? ... Probably not! You were getting into this, really, when you said it was sad that your mother and father would probably still be together if they simply hadn't loved each other. I think it might help you identify and see your own priorities to make a list here: what things do you think are important in a relationship? What things do you think make a relationship successful?

As some food for thought, a relationship - of any kind, not just a romantic/sexual one - doesn't have to be permanent or long-lasting to give us something very meaningful. Personally, I can think of a number of people who were in my life for a very short amount of time who had a big impact, and the whole thing - including the brevity - was profoundly positive. I would be confused by a suggestion that any of those relationships ("relationships" in the broadest sense, and including a romantic one) were failures either because they were brief or because we're not in contact any more: what those relationships gave me and what I discovered there is an important part of who I am and a bunch of the things I think are the best about me. I wouldn't consider the endings as failures, either: some of them were simply a natural part of that relationship and the circumstances, and even one ending which i wish could've been different was actually a big positive, because it was right for the other person at that time, and that kind of honouring of their own well-being was a shining healthy example that I hold and thank them for - in my mind - still now.

I mean, I'm not "yay, endings!". I've experienced an absolutely stinky awful ending, too. It sounds like the situation with your father is much more to the stinky side of things, and I'm sorry for that. The foul endings tend to stay with us, and it's very natural not to want to go through something like that again. I think I'd suggest that it's not so much a relationship ending that's so very bad, it's more about the wider circumstances around it and how people behave.

That seems more than enough for one installment, but I'm not forgetting about the gender stuff and other things you brought up! I'll come back to those soon

[Scarlett1]

Don't worry about your responses being a little slower than you would like, I totally get y'all being short staffed this week!

I really like what you said about freak outs being good because they help you understand that something is wrong and you need to get to the bottom of it. I think you and Heather have really helped me realize what I need to be focusing on so that in the future I will feel a lot better about things and I'll be prepared.

As far as what I think is important in a relationship, I definitely need: someone that shows me they care, someone that follows through on their promises,and for there to be mutual respect. I think relationships are probably the most successful when you have good communication, trust, and you find ways to love each other through all the ups and downs of life.

I really enjoyed your food for thought about relationships in the broad sense, even short ones, having the ability to be meaningful and teaching us something. I believe people come into our lives for a reason, and that we really should focus on what we learn from our interactions with them. While sometimes I'm sad about not having people around anymore, and maybe even this person sometimes, I feel like I began to discover some things and it has led me to these interactions with y'all, which have really helped me. Does that make sense? haha.

I'm looking forward to hearing more from you on the gender stuff and other things I brought up-your advice is so awesome, and I really appreciate you being here for me! Are you a staff member with Scarleteen, like this is what you do for a living? Because if so, that is literally so cool!

Lastly, I just am still kinda curious about periods on vs. off the pill (I talked to Heather a little bit about this on the chat before she directed me to these lovely message boards). I heard on the pill you don't release eggs, but I guess without the hormones your body just freaks out and releases the lining?

I appreciate you so much, you're the best! Can't wait to hear from you again.

[Karyn]

Hi Scarlett, I think Redskies will have a lengthier response to what you've said here, and I don't want to interrupt the conversation you two have going, but just to respond to your question about the pill: yes, the combined pill (two kinds of hormones) prevents ovulation, or the release of an egg each month. A withdrawal bleed - the "period" you have on the pill - happens because of the drop in hormones that occurs when you go from the active pills to the placebo pills/pill-free week. There's a more detailed explanation of how the pill works here: How do birth control pills really work, even during the placebo period?

[Scarlett1]

Hi Karyn,

Thanks for touching base with me for that information-I welcome hearing from any of you! So your withdrawal bleed or "period" while on the pill is still a shedding of the lining and couldn't happen if a youth was up in there, but is just triggered by that drop in hormones? Thanks so much for your help, I look forward to hearing from you!

[Karyn]

That's right, the withdrawal bleed is a shedding of the uterine lining, and won't happen if someone has become pregnant.

[Scarlett1]

Ok cool-thanks for clearing that up for me! I went on the pill after I had some fears about irrational situations (your articles said they were no risk), and haven't done anything since. It has made my "periods" or I guess withdrawal bleeds a lot more regular when previously they had been super irregular. I generally get it after taking my 3rd placebo, it seems to be a lot lighter now though than before I went on the pill, however that's normal right? I stupidly have had nightmares about being a terrible "I didn't know I was pregnant person"'haha, although I know that's an insane show that is filmed to be super crazy. I also think I attributed super powers to sperm, like they really can't move that far if not in your vagina right? You're the best, thanks for your help!

[Scarlett1]

Also, just been doing a little more thinking so wanted to discuss with the next person that gets back to me, what do you think is the easiest way to end a relationship that was never really defined or ever had a label?

[Mo]

Hi Scarlett, I hope it's ok if I jump in with some thoughts.

It is definitely common to have withdrawal bleeds, when on the pill, that are lighter than your periods before the pill were; that's a common reason for people to take birth control pills even if they aren't at risk of pregnancy at all. So, nothing unusual there.

In terms of how to end a relationship when it wasn't well-defined in the first place, are you asking about how to let the other person know that you're not interested in pursuing things (as nebulous as those things may be) further? Or how to feel the closure of a relationship ending for yourself, when you didn't really get that closer from the other person?

[Scarlett1]

Ok, awesome! I just wanted to make sure you could still count on those for no baby up in there, which Karyn let me know I could, and it's great to hear from you that it's super common! It's been nice because now I know exactly when they're coming, but does that mean when I go off the pill they'll go back to their crazy behavior of being irregular that I had before?

I guess I'm asking about both of those things: How do you let the other person know that you're not interested in pursuing things (as nebulous as those things may be) further, and how do you feel the closure of a relationship ending for yourself when you didn't really get that closure from the other person?

I am always so surprised how y'all see things in my statements and questions that I do not always see, and how you always give me a new way to think of things. I have loved my interactions with every single member of your staff so far, and I really appreciate y'all helping me work through things. What you do is amazing, I appreciate it so much! Can't wait to hear from y'all again!

[Redskies]

Per going off the pill and irregular periods: maybe, maybe not. Using the pill for a while can't make your periods regular for all of the future after you stop using it. But, it depends what your body would be doing anyway: sometimes people have shifts and changes in their menstrual cycle. How long have you been taking the pill, and how long had you been having periods when you started taking it?

While sometimes I'm sad about not having people around anymore, and maybe even this person sometimes, I feel like I began to discover some things and it has led me to these interactions with y'all, which have really helped me. Does that make sense?

Yes, very much. In one set of circumstances - where things felt good to us and we're sad about an ending - we can move from that sadness and loss to look elsewhere and discover new things about ourself and the world that we wouldn't before, and even learn helpful and positive things from the ending itself. In different circumstances - where something that wasn't good for us or wasn't so good overall ends - we then have the time and emotional energy that we were previously using on it to spend on something different that is good. Not that the good things tend to happen straight away, of course - although they can sometimes - but they're there when someone's ready.

For how to let someone know that you're not interested in pursuing things in the future, that'd depend on a mixture of what kind of communication you usually have with them anyway, and what feels right to you. Are you asking about how to deal with this particular guy?

For closure: again, assuming we're talking about this guy (correct me if I'm wrong!), what are you looking for in closure? What are you wanting from it? That could sound flippant; it's not. People want different things from closure, and it means different things to different people.

Going back a bit to a promised earlier response : for the gendered stuff, where it's seen as worse for a woman to be single (I think that's what I'm getting from what you said), it might help to think about the big ol pile of sexism that's coming from. These attitudes that we still have around so much today come from a historical place where women had a great deal less power and control than men did. Practically and legally, there were a whole heap of things that most women were blocked from doing, or were incredibly hard to do. Going back one or two hundred years, it was difficult for most women to attempt to live independently, without literally depending on a man, be that a husband or father. Women were not considered to be whole people in the way that white, free men were, and a lot of basic rights and abilities just to survive were difficult or impossible to come by. This isn't just about the distant past, either: as late as the 1970s, and sometimes later, it was difficult for a woman to get credit in her own name: banks usually required a husband or father to co-sign, and considered the man's finances rather than hers, or they refused altogether.

Not that having the required man was necessarily a good thing, either: when there's that much of a power imbalance, there's a huge vulnerability to exploitation and mistreatment, and little that most women could do about it. But it's easy to see how, just in a practical sense, fear of a woman being unpartnered comes from somewhere. And then there's the part that's just sexist, where the most important thing about a woman, and her defining feature, is to be someone's wife and mother, and if you couldn't say that, then who are you and what is your purpose? (if those are someone's chosen priorities, someone of any gender, I am for them being able to live their chosen life. But not as an automatic thing for everyone of one gender, and nor of any person only mattering because they're a partner or a parent.)

Sometimes having some context for a situation and opinions can help us figure out where we fit, or don't fit, with it, and how much of it we want to take on board for ourselves, and how much to leave at the door if it doesn't fit with what we want. That's really what I'm intending here, to give you some context around some of this to help you figure out what you want for yourself and what might be not-so-helpful and not-so-welcome from the world around you.