Pregnancy? A lot of pain!

[Heather]

(Btw, it also sounds like it's likely a big part of this stress and pregnancy panic is centered around having your sex life found out by your parents. So, talking about how you feel about sneaking around, or hiding that you have one from them -- and maybe even brainstorming ways to change that situation -- might help you out a lot here.)

[_itsmeisa]

I could pay for the appointment and the shot with my saved money until it runs out, that would be my last choice.
Brazilian government clinics provide condoms (which are thick, small and have a smelly lubricant... I never use them), the plan B pill and the contraceptive pill. That's all we get in this fucked up contry, if you mind me being honest

Anyways, I read somewhere that the health insurance can pay for the Depo shot. I would just have to inform myself better and hope my parents don't read the monthly insurance letter.

Well, I would like to know more about the Depo shot, its side effects and the weight gain matter, please!
How about vaginal rings? Do I need a prescription for them? Would my parents know about it? Is it expensive?

About my family situation:
My parents have never talked to me about sex. Everything I learned about sex and contraception came from sex ed. classes or the internet. I guess they think instructing me about what to do would be a kind of permition for me to have sex (which is ridiculous, my body, my rules about having sex and with whom). When I went to the OBGYN, my mom got into his room with me. Idk if she did that because she was worried about my excruciating pain or to make sure I didn't hide a thing from her. Probably both. This way I couldn't talk to him about contraception and get the prescription, what a waste of a good opportunity!
I had 3 long term boyfriends and my parents had always let me go to their houses (not sleep over, though) and let them come over. Sometimes we even got alone at home. I really don't understand if they don't talk about sex not to influence me doing it or because they really don't want to know the details about my sexual life and prefer not to think about it on the same way I don't like thinking about the idea of my parents having sex because that's unconfortable and not private at all!

[_itsmeisa]

Plus, what makes me really worried is the lack of an legal abortion possibility in my country. I hope someday Brazil recognizes the human reproductive rights and women's rights and legalize it.
I would totally do it anyways, despite the life risk having an ilegal abortion brings.
My parents would probably make me have the baby as a punishment for being dumb and not being well educated about sex. Oh, the irony.

[Heather]

I completely understand and empathize. I know that pregnancy is a whole lot more scary in places where legal abortion is out of reach. And no, I don't mind anyone being honest about their feelings per the politics of where they live! I'm certainly glad for whenever anyone has strong feelings, no less, about being afforded a lack of human rights or basic care!

I'm also very sorry to hear all of that about your parents. No wonder you're feeling so scared.

With Depo, it is the one method associated with some weight gain. However, from what I can tell counseling people who use it over the years, those who do gain weight on it do not tend to gain much, and those who do gain considerably seem to be people who, in general, struggle with being at a healthy weight. In other words, certainly not people who weigh as little as 120 pounds! It sounds like you are generally an active person, so if you also eat in generally healthy ways, this is unlikely to be an issue for you with Depo. And since you seem to want a method you can hide, a method like the Depo shot, an implant or an IUD all appear to be the best options to fit that bill. You also could ask your healthcare providers before getting it if, when insurance covers it, that will show up on the statements or not: often statements aren't itemized like that, so it may not be anything you need to concern yourself with.

With the ring, that has the same hormones in it, and works the same way, as birth control pills. But it also is something where you have to keep the packets of it around, so even though the one you are using at the time is hidden (because it is in your vagina), I'm not sure that answers your desire for a method your folks can't find very well. And since the pill would be paid for, it seems to me that if you're going to use a method like the ring, which isn't, you might as well just use the pill?

Of course, we could also talk about being honest with your parents about this, as another option, if you like.

[_itsmeisa]

Oh, got it. I pictured me inserting a ring per month and I thought that would be all. I guess the Depo shot would be the better option, I go to the gym 4 times a week and if I gain a lot of weight I can always quit on a method and go to another one that suits me better. I'll work on this option first and I'll call the insurance to know whether the appointment will show up on the letter or something.

I would like talking about being honest with my folks. That would be the most mature and right thing to do, despite scaring me as hell! Have you counseled people in my situation before? How was the outcome for them?

[Heather]

I'd say that a lot of the time, I see young people assuming parents will not be supportive without any real signs that that will be the case. I mean, it's one thing to figure they might be when they outright tell you they won't: when they say it is not acceptable for you to be sexually active clearly.

Just them being silent about sex doesn't really tell you much of anything. A lot of parents are because they just don't know how to talk about it with their kids, so they just don't. I'm not on board with that choice, but it is very, very common for fear of doing those talks wrong, or just troubles with talking about sexuality out loud, period, to result in silence.

So, how this goes really depends a lot on who your parents are, as well as the stance you take. For instance, you are a legal adult, so they really don't get a say about your sexual life. However, if you're a legal adult but they are still paying for your healthcare -- rather than you taking care of that without them -- then this is really about you asking them to help you in this way by letting you use that healthcare for all it covers. Have they ever said you couldn't? Have you had any discussions with them -- a discussion that would be all between a group of adults, yourself included -- about what it means for them to be paying for your healthcare, and if that's something they have any restrictions with?

I'm centering on that because that really seems to be the central issue here, rather than if you are engaging in sex or not.

[_itsmeisa]

Once my mom's friend who I can talk about sexual stuff and ask for help said my mom is unconfortable and don't know how to talk about sex with me. I don't know a thing about my father, but fathers tend to be overprotective over their daughters and wrongly think they're fragile and should not enjoy a healthy sexual life. About other matters such as alcohol, partying, traveling alone and stuff, my father always said I can do whatever I feel like doing if I take care of myself, do it responsably and be prepared for the consequences.
I have never had a conversation like that, healthcare is something we have always had and I never showed any interest on it. What I do know is that my parents always say I owe them respect all the time, especially while they're paying for all my bills and I'm not economically indepedent. I don't know if that means "you should do whatever we say you have to/can't do what we don't want you to because we pay for your living!" I would always respect them, like, if they don't want me having sex I wouldn't stop but I wouldn't do it at their home or using their money to buy condoms, etc.

[Heather]

Well, what if respect just means saying, plainly, "I know it is included, but because I don't know how you feel about this, are you comfortable with my using the insurance you pay for to cover contraception?"

That friend of your Mom's sounds like they also might be someone good to talk with about how you might address any of this with your parents, btw. But it does sound like she's saying that silence isn't about disapproval, so much as it is about your mother's discomfort with the topic.

[Heather]

It also may be obvious, but figured I should also mention that it sounds like doing what you can to gain more independence, period, might help out a lot here. How about seeing what you can do to start paying some of your bills, for instance?

And if talking to them about contraception and any of this just feels way out of reach or way outside what you feel able to do, maybe paying for your contraception yourself -- perhaps with your boyfriend chipping in, since this is about him, too? -- is one of those first steps?

[_itsmeisa]

All of them are greats first steps. I applied as a law trainee (I'm doing law school) but I got denied because I'm a freshman and freshmans, at least in Brazil, are rarely hired. I don't want a ordinary job, I want something related to my career. Maybe I'm being to picky, but I'd rather study to get a law related job than be a cashier instead.

My boyfriend is kind of rich and even knowing I disapprove it, he buys all the condoms himself and pays restaurant bills. I guess getting him to help would be easy!

About my parents, my plan is: when my parents get to know my boyfriend better (they already like him a lot) and when we have a few more months together, I'll tell them I'm not a virgin IF and only IF they ask it. Otherwise, I'll just carry on as me and them seem to be more confortable: not talking about it.

[Heather]

For sure, this is all about what choices you make. If it feels like a better fit for you to be less independent right now and hold out for a job you want that's about more than paying your way and getting out on your own -- and you can make that choice, per having parents willing to support you -- then it does!

Same goes with talking to them or not: there aren't rights and wrongs here, just what seems and feels best for you.

[_itsmeisa]

Thank you for all your support. I'm just waiting for my period to come soon, hopefully!

[_itsmeisa]

I am pleased to inform that I got my period this morning. Period = no pregnancy, right? The internet boards are freaking me out again claiming that pregnant women do have periods in the early months.

[Heather]

It is on you to choose your media, gal! Pick what you look at carefully with this info, sticking to credible sources about reproductive health. The internet is a great tool, but not if you don't use it wisely.

Have what you know to be your period? That feeling of relief is real. Because yep, period = not pregnant.