Boyfriend depressed?

[wildprincess]

The school day went pretty okay. I continued my usual laughing and talking and banter. I didn't really talk much about him as I didn't really want to annoy my friends. I feel really happy when around these people but when I get home it's like the crushing sadness returns. Perhaps the happiness is a facade and I've become so accustomed to putting it on whenever I'm out. I'm not sure what it really is.

I haven't yet returned his stuff as I didn't see him. He didn't text me asking about them nor have I texted him. Should I text him now as he has a whole long line up of exams this entire week or should I just hand it to one of his friends to give back to him? Perhaps a little part of me feels that if I leave it long enough, he'll miss me again and then that interaction of me giving back his things to him could spark something again. But at the same time I feel like just giving it to his friends as it would make everything much simpler. I am aware that I am less stressed (aka not constantly checking if he texted me, worrying what he's doing etc) and much happier (around people at least) but I still kind of want him back. I don't know. I feel so confused.

[Sam W]

Do you feel like there's one or two of your friends who you're comfortable opening up to about this? The ending of a relationship is rough, and having people who support you and who you can talk to can make it a little easier to get through. That mixture of relief and sadness is really common, because your mind is adjusting to not having that person around, and the part of you that cared about him is still hurting from the initial break.

With returning his stuff, if he hasn't expressed an opinion yet, what choice would feel more comfortable for you? Would passing it along to a friend make it easier because you wouldn't have to see him while you're still stinging from the break-up?

[wildprincess]

Thank you so much for the support given to me from all the Scarleteen staff. It's honestly really rough because he was my first sexual partner and I don't know. I just feel like maybe it was the wrong decision. In response to the question about friends, I don't really want to talk to them about it as 1. it might annoy them and 2. I feel like there's too much judgement from everyone.

"Perhaps a little part of me feels that if I leave it long enough, he'll miss me again and then that interaction of me giving back his things to him could spark something again. " < that's the only reason I want to give his stuff back in person. But the handing of stuff back also seems kind of final- like it's really over. It was toxic I acknowledge that (especially at the end) but yeah, I'm not sure if I'm ready for it to be over.

[Karyn]

That feeling of finality with giving things back is totally understandable: sometimes it takes a while for us to really accept and be okay with the fact that a relationship has ended. If he hasn't asked for his things back, you could hang on to them for a few days until you're feeling a bit less raw emotionally. (On the other hand, some people find that doing something like returning items can help in terms of accepting the end of a relationship: it's up to you what you think would be best for you.)

Per talking about the breakup with your friends, I'm sorry you're feeling judged; that's tough enough to deal with on its own let alone when you're also dealing with the end of a relationship. In an earlier post you mentioned that your friends have been supportive: has that changed in the last couple of days?

[wildprincess]

He has been viewing my snap stories more (in contrast to how he rarely ever looked at them when we were dating) and he honestly does seem extremely stressed in school. He's been studying a lot and isolating himself from his friends so perhaps it wasn't personal and I have overwhelmed him with my needs. But I do realize that it was extremely toxic and I am not sure if see us having similar plans for our future. However if the chance of us getting back together arises, I feel I wouldn't hesitate to say yes. Do you have any suggestions over how to ge to over him? In the past, I've kind of just transferred my feelings for someone to someone else. I don't think this is healthy and would like to get over him without just simply replacing him with someone else.

For my friends, some of them have been supportive still but others have seemed judgement. They judge my intensity of my feelings and say hurtful things like "can't you survive without a guy"? It's not that I can't. It's just that I don't know, I guess it's a part of me- the whole flirting and dating thing. Some friends also feel the need to tell me what to do and force me to follow their opinion basically. I just don't feel comfortable to be able to talk freely like I do here with my friends.

[Mo]

The two things I've found to be most helpful, when getting over a breakup, are: time and keeping myself busy/distracted. Time is something that just can't be forced, but you can take an active hand in the other half of things. Is there a hobby or fun activity you love but haven't done much lately, or want to learn? Sometimes throwing yourself into an enjoyable project can be really helpful. At various times, I've used reading, knitting, painting, taking long photography walks, bike rides, meetups with friends, baking, and cleaning, among other things, as projects to keep me busy and productive when dealing with breakups.

In terms of getting back together with someone, I think it's really important, any time you have the opportunity to do so, to ask yourself and the other person: "what's changed between the breakup and now? What are we both going to do differently to resolve that issue?" If you can't come up with an answer to these questions together, then getting back together is probably not a great idea. I know it can be tempting anyway, but having some concrete questions to think about can help make that decision.

[wildprincess]

It's frustrating for me because he's still consistently checking my snapchat stories and his friends have been giving me odd glances and my gut feeling just tells me he still likes me and that it's not over. I don't really know what to do at this stage. I don't really want to approach him but at the same time I just want everything to be alright again. Perhaps I should take up such activities. I've been doing a lot of studying and investing a lot of my time into prepping for my final exams which start in about 3 weeks. I also have started watching a lot of tv shows.

My feelings still oscillate radically between liking him and feeling as if I am really over him. I've become more okay with the idea of giving back his stuff as time went on so I guess the healing process is happening and I'm doing well?

[Redskies]

It's usually a good idea to try not to read too much into the other person's behaviour after a break-up. Even for the person who did the breaking up, break-ups are often still hard and confusing, and they also often need time to process and to adjust.

One option you do have, if you'd like more space from him, is to block him for a while on social media. Plenty of people do that so they can have some space and time to adjust. Having the other person popping up multiple times a day - even in situations where a break-up is caring and amicable - can be much too hard, especially for the first while.

No-one has a crystal ball for the future, that's true. However, it's clear about where he's at at the moment: from his behaviour, from his decision to break up, from his asking for a break, from him saying that he doesn't know, it's very clear that at the moment he isn't able and isn't wanting to be in this relationship. I know it's complicated by the fact that he's got a lot going on in life right now, but that doesn't actually change what the best-for-you response is. You've been doing right by yourself by focusing on what's going on in your own life, both the gritty stuff like exams and the fun, kind-to-yourself stuff like watching tv shows.

I think it's important, too, to really centre what you want. What he might want is only a half of the picture: what you want, and whether you could have your needs met by what he is actually able to offer in a relationship, is really important. From what you were telling us, that wasn't happening in the relationship that you both had.

It tends to take a while to get our minds and feelings around a break-up, so it's not surprising that you're having a lot of mixed feelings. That's very natural!

[wildprincess]

There are moments where I am sure I am over him. It's almost always after school or when I'm surrounded by people. However it's during those moments where I am blur (I guess when I'm most vulnerable?) like when I have just woken up from a nap or sleeping or when I see a couple on TV or when I caught a whiff of his deodorant (a lot of guys in my school wear the same deo) that I start doubting myself again. I don't know what's happening. I'm darting between the two extremes and I feel so overwhelmed.

I guess the whole feeling over him could be due to me being completely shut down emotionally and just mainly focusing on defending my feelings and suppressing them. I don't want to do that anymore. He got me out of that habit but I feel like I just fell back in. And I know, it must seem so stupid that I am acting like this even though we haven't dated a long time but I feel so intensely for him. After all, the length of a relationship doesn't exactly always correlate to how much/how deep the feelings are right?

[Sam W]

It's very normal in a break-up to feel that kind of back and forth in your emotions. Even when a break-up is for the best, there are still going to be things you miss about the other person. That can lead to those random moments of really missing them. As time goes on, the feelings of missing them become more and more manageable.

You're right that length of relationship does not always correlate to how intense the feelings are. Too, this is someone who you've identified as being your first sexual partner, and it sounds like that carried a lot of emotional weight for you. So that probably added to the emotional intensity of the relationship.

[wildprincess]

The break up itself doesn't still upset me: I guess the only thing that really still upsets me is the fact that he promised he would fight for us and not give up so easily and the fact that he could break them so easily still kind of gets to me. We talked about future and stuff but I never really saw that happening. What I did see was us both trying really hard and not giving up and I believed him. I 100% believed him when he said he wouldn't give up on us and that he loved me. And the fact that he went back on his word so quickly and abruptly kind of threw me for a loop.

I voiced this to my friend who just said "it doesn't matter because he's a jerk." How does him being a jerk justify how I feel? He went on to say how the promises don't matter because he's a jerk. But his promises did matter to me. They do. I find it so annoying and irritating that he basically brushed off my feelings, maybe even invalidated them, just on the premise that my boyfriend (well ex) was a "jerk".

[Sam W]

It certainly sounds like your friend was not grasping what kind of support you needed in that moment, which sucks. Something it might help to remember is that people can make promises like that and completely intend to do. But, and this is often true when a relationship has only been going on for a few months, they make those promises before anything comes along to test their ability to keep them. Then they discover how hard it is to keep them, or they realize that their feelings about the relationship have changed. But that can still leave you feeling a little blindsided if you're the person who the promise was made to

[wildprincess]

I think on a whole I am a lot better. I feel much more at ease with the break up and I find myself focusing less on his good qualities and placing him on this pedestal and realising his faults. Thank you so much for all the help given by all the Scarleteen staff! I really wonder how I would've done it without this support.

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and glad to hear you're feeling better