Struggling with dating apps

[Sam W]

So, obviously this is going to vary from person to person, because we each experience things like interest or attraction a little differently. But, interest in dating someone generally means feeling like you want to get to know more about them as a person, or find out what it's like to spend time with them. That's part of why most dating apps have some room for describing interests or hobbies; it gives you a peek into that person's life to help you figure out if you'd like to get to know them better. That interest in getting to know them, combined with some level of attraction to them, is a good indicator that you're into the idea of dating them.

[0PT1M15T1C]

I can’t really detail that for you because it’s different for everyone.

In my experience, it’s been when I feel good in myself and with who I am/where I’m at, and that I’m willing to add a whole other person with thoughts and feelings into the mix. I seriously think that when the time comes you’ll kind of know at that point. Taking a break to work on yourself can be a really powerful thing, personally, the guys I’ve been interested in have all done that, they all have a pretty strong sense of what they want, who they are and where they want to be going. They’re confident in themselves enough to say “alright, I’ve got my piece handled, and I think I’m ready to build something with another person” not because they want to try something out because others say it’s good, but because they feel it would be good for them. Does that make sense?

I’m sorry if that’s not very helpful but it really depends on a whole lot of factors.

EDIT: I’m seeing Sam got to this a bit before me, but I think we touched on some of the same things so I’ll leave that here.

[wolfcub]

Well I'm a huge geek. I really enjoy video games and anime. I guess it'd be nice to have someone that has at least a little of the same interests because it would be so much easier to talk to them. The thing is I know most girls aren't interested in that sort of thing despite it being mainstream nowadays. I realize this online dating thing is going to take some time but I still don't like my chances. But I also know if I don't put myself out there and put at least a little effort into it, I'll have zero chances at all (it's kind of how I got stuck with no girlfriend in the first place). I also know love is unpredictable. I could fall for someone who doesn't even like games and anime, and I don't want to ruin my chances. I realize I don't have to get a date now. I think I can deal with that. I guess if someone told me how to move forward from here, how to raise my chances of meeting someone, anyone. Or if my usage of dating apps and going to community service clubs is enough to at least give me a fighting chance when I had none in my life before. I think knowing that would help somewhat

[hotdogfriendo]

I'm not sure it's true that "most girls" are disinterested in video games and anime. Most of the girls I know are into video games, and many are into anime as well. I think it really depends on who you surround yourself with. You might be able to find friends (and potentially a girlfriend later, although I wouldn't make friends purely with the intention of later dating) if you found a social group surrounding anime and/or video games, such as through Amino or Discord.

[0PT1M15T1C]

I know soooooooooo many girls who are interested in video games and anime, actually one of them totally just ditched me to go do that. Sometimes depending on where you are and your age those interests vary but honestly I kind of like thinking of it like this:

Even if 99% of the world isn’t interested in you, in that one percent, it’s like 77 million people who will. That’s crazy and so cool. I don’t know how else to phrase the first part better, sorry but I still think it’s a cool demographic.

So many girls are interested in those things, it kind of shocks me. My friend who’s interested in those things met a lot of people with those same interests of all ages on apps like discord (there’s more but that’s the only one I’m actually familiar with and use).

I get you think you have to put yourself out there but honestly, we’re all quarantined, although it’s nice to have someone to talk to, I don’t really see how having a girlfriend would change a whole lot at this moment. I really honestly think giving those apps a break and maybe trying to connect with people online as far as in video game forums and such and make friends you can communicate with would be such a better idea. There’s other ways to put yourself out there besides dating apps. My parents met through a chat room thing like 25 years ago, no for dating - actually what they would talk about all the time is how done with dating and how boys/girls were just irrelevant to them... they now have two kids together.

If you’re interested in anime and video games, get something like discord and find a server that talks about those things. I’ve met tons of people doing that.
This has some options for gaming tags: https://top.gg/servers/tag/gaming
Really though, look up “discord servers for [whatever thing]” and a ton will pop up.

I hope you’ll take that into consideration, I really don’t know how much more I can throw into this thread. Maybe some others can still help you out, but I’m not sure what else to say.

[wolfcub]

Meeting people online? Is that really safe? I don't know. There's just so many factors that come into play. It would be so much easier to just meet IRL

[0PT1M15T1C]

Usually when you don’t have permissions like you’re saying, the thread has an “introduce yourself” section or something where you usually have to talk to the moderators so they can get the basic ideas of who you are but it depends. I haven’t done it a whole bunch, I’m in two servers, one for youth mental health and another is a QSA. So you’ll have to play around with that I guess.

Too, with the servers, sometimes you’ll join and it takes a while for the moderators to approve you.

Every server has its own etiquette, meaning there’s usually a #rules room that explains all of that. I know in the mental health one, you’re kicked off if they find your messaging people on their individual accounts, and there’s rules around dating/talking about those things. In the QSA, they advise you not to for safety reasons, but it’s a bit different. Like I talk to one person from there because we were sorting out our classes for next year because they are coming to my school.

You have to pay attention to those things really, and again, what I’m saying is right now, I what good is meeting people in person when you’re in quarantine? You shouldn’t be doing that. It’ll give you some options for meeting people (and I’m really not suggesting you should be looking romantically however I guess that’s up to you) when you’re talking to people online and hopefully help a bit with the loneliness portion of that.

I feel like we’re going in circles here with you saying you’re fine to give dating a break and then pushing that so I’m stuck as what to say when you aren’t really listening to the advice/opinions/ideas recommended by others and myself.

I’d encourage you to keep playing around with the discord and take a break with the relationship piece right now.

[wolfcub]

Im sorry. You're right. I have been giving mixed messages. I guess I don't see how I can give something a break when it feels like I didn't even start. I guess its just some mixed personal feelings. I keep forgeting that we're in quarentine. Maybe its because I subconsciously don't want to believe that all this is happening. It's a long story but I felt I was stuck in a rut all my life and I was finally starting to get out of it just before this virus hit. I can't quite explain it but it's just been hard. I just didn't want to go back to the rut

Man putting like that makes me feel like a selfish asshole

[0PT1M15T1C]

Yeah, that makes sense and I’m really sorry you’re dealing with that. You’re certainly not alone in that. I certainly get the whole piece of feeling you were finally getting out of that rut and making progress that way. But also, everyone is having to adjust and however you do that is okay. There’s no right way to act during this, it’s a pandemic, like that’s hard. Really hard. For everyone.

I get that whole idea of you just started, but it really seems harmful to your mental health and it’s for those reasons I don’t see it as the greatest decision.

Honestly, it’s your choice as to how you move forward, I’ve given you a few ideas and I hope those help.

[wolfcub]

Um............ I know this is an awkward question but I just wanted to ask this before I forget.

I heard that most dating apps will put men at the bottom of the priority list if they swipe right too often and they are less likely to come up for other people. I'm guilty of doing that and I really don't want to create another account (after the whole ordeal of struggling to pay for my last one)

I'm planning to not use the dating sites for a while (at least until the quarantine is over) but when I bring them back up again, is there any way I can fix the damage I did before without creating a different account?

To be clear, this is just for future reference. I'm terrible at putting stuff off and remembering to do them later so if I don't ask now, I'll probably just forget

[Jacob]

Sounds like quitting for now is a good choice.

Honestly, dating apps are private companies with closed code, so nobody really knows how they work and their settings probably change all the time too, or if they 'demote' people's profiles for poor behaviour - I doubt it.

You might just have to use your own judgement about how you approach it if you come back to dating apps.

[wolfcub]

I think I figured out why I want a girlfriend right now so badly. I could be wrong but I think it's because I want to experience young love specifically. When everyone isn't trying to act all mature and strict. People keep talking about all these experiences they have with dating and I want to feel like I can relate to those experiences. That seems to be the main motivation behind a lot of my actions lately

[Mo]

I can certainly understand wanting to relate to other people's experiences with dating and romance. I do think, though, that it's important to keep in mind that there's not one way that dating will look when you're in your 20s and another way it will look when you're in your 30s, etc. I'm not sure exactly what you mean by people not acting mature and strict, but whatever kind of dynamic you're looking for in a relationship, that might be helpful information to let someone know (either in a dating profile or, if you find someone you click with elsewhere who you may want to date, early on in the dating process) so they can know what you have in mind