I'm struggling with how I feel about sex

[Johanna]

I don't know who you mean by "anybody else involved", but I do know that we all react differently to the things that happen to us. We are all different people, with different histories, defenses and coping mechanisms. Something you may feel is no big deal might knock another person out, and something another person can deal with easily may be super difficult for you. This is exactly why we don't talk to people based on how "bad" we think their situation is - what matter is how they feel about something.

I hear you on not knowing who to trust. When we've had some bad experiences and been disappointed by people we care about, it can be difficult to know who truly has our best interest at heart and who does not. While we can never read someone's mind, you can, in time, become better at recognizing warning signals, and at speaking up for yourself when you recognize those signals. Above all, this is about learning to trust yourself - learning to honor your gut feelings and your instincts.

[hawley-smoot]

Well, the guys I've been involved with have all said they've been hurt or treated badly/unfairly by me, so why don't they seem to be having these kinds of problems? They're different from me, but not so different that they would be unaffected by such dealings. I still think I'm being an unnecessary drain on the resources of this forum, but I don't know where else to go.

I feel like my gut feelings were telling me that he was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and nothing he or I did told me otherwise. So I'm not so sure about that.

[Johanna]

Well, I don't know their side of these guys' stories. I am also not talking to them, I am here for you and to talk to you, so how they are feeling is not something I am concerned with. But as far as I can tell, you are the one who was sexually assaulted, and you were also the one who was having sex they were not really into in an effort to placate them. So from where I am standing, they do not have any reasons to be feeling badly, but you have plenty of reasons.

I hear you saying you felt this guy was the one, but I know that you've also told me earlier that you ware afraid of being honest with him, that you were afraid of his anger, that he made you feel scared and anxious. You've said yourself that you do not know, in retrospect, whether the relationship was a healthy one. So, it sounds to me like your gut feeling is spot on, and that you did feel uneasy with this guy. Now, it is perfectly possible to be completely in love with someone who is not good for you, and it's not at all unusual or surprising if you're having conflicting feelings about him. It is totally okay to acknowledge that you felt deeply for him and wanted to be with him. But I think it's also important to acknowledge that you did not only feel positively about him, and that he's turned out to be bad news.

[hawley-smoot]

I think "sexually assaulted" is an overstatement of what happened. And there's a good chance that my attempts to placate them actually made them both more likely to cause conflict, so they have plenty of reasons too. I'm sure of it, because the first guy wouldn't be behaving the way he is if he didn't have a reason.

I didn't realize that he was the source of my fears until after he broke up with me. The fact that I still have feelings for him after all he's done, and that I haven't had feelings for anyone else since I was with him, and while being with him caused a lot of problems for me, I don't know if they were really his fault, or if they were mine as results of things he did, that shouldn't have caused me to react the way that I did.

[Johanna]

Self-blame is a very tempting and easy place to go when you've been treated badly. For one thing, it can be hard to reconcile the image of someone you care about a whole lot with the image of someone who hurt you. It sucks when we have to realize that someone we love was bad for us. And for another thing, it can be hard to swallow that sometimes shitty things just happen to us and we have no control over them. That's another reason some people blame themseles when they're hurt - it restores some amount of agency and control.

The fact that you still have feelings for him doesn't say anything about him, or about you. It just says that you have feelings for him. We can't control who we have feelings for, and feelings for someone don't just dissapear just because that person isn't so great for us.

I'm out for today, but I will be back tomorrow if you want to continue our conversation. How have you been doing on self-care, in the meantime? Did you find the time for that cup of tea last night? I think it would be a good idea if you could spend some time thinking about strategies, small things that you can do to make yourself feel a little better, get some help or support. Maybe you can take another look at those self-care articles Sam and I linked you to, or you can revisit the idea of talking to your mother or calling a hotline.

[hawley-smoot]

I think I had far more agency in what happened than I've been saying, and most of the problems were my fault. I think he must be the only one who actually understands what happened, and he knows even more than I do that I caused the problems. I'm sorry I haven't been that clear. The fact that you called what happened "sexual assault" further evidences my inability to correctly explain the situation.

It's not just that I have feelings for him, it's that they haven't gone away even though he's been constantly deriding me for six months. The fact that I can't seem to make myself let go of them does say something about me.

I had no energy for self-care last night, I went back to my usual strategy instead. Sorry.

[Johanna]

Please don't apologize to me about not having gotten into the groove with self-care yet. You don't answer to me and yo don't owe me anything - I am just here to listen and make a suggestion here and there. What you do with that is up to you. This is your healing process and you get to call the shots.

One thing that I've been wondering about is whether you do anything that is just for you, just for pleasure and enjoyment. You've told me all about your busy schedule and I understand that you are doing this for yourself, because you have plans for your educaction and your future, and I really admire that and think it's great that you are so focused. However, even if we are 110% into the working or studying that we do, if that is ALL that we do, we'll burn out sooner or later. It is important to have balance, and to do something that let's us catch our breath and just focus on taking care of ourselves. So here is my suggestion that I have for you: I'd like for you to make a pact with yourself that every day, you will do one small thing that is just for you, in that moment. One small, enjoyable thing that you want to do and that makes you feel good. I know that you are busy, but I am not talking about taking an entire day off. I am talking about something as little as taking three and a half minutes off to lean back, close your eyes and listen to your favorite song. Do you think that you can commit to that?

[hawley-smoot]

I apologize because you're trying to help, and I feel as though I'm being resistant to being helped.

I try to avoid such things, because all of my spare thought energy is directed towards keeping my fear in check, and if I don't otherwise occupy myself mentally, I'm prone to breaking down and then losing even more time.

[Johanna]

Have you considered types of you-time that would be fun for you but would also keep your mind busy? Such as reading a book that is not school-related or doing a puzzle (I really enjoy nonograms lately)? Alternatively, you can try to channel those feelings of fear into something creative. I know you've said you don't enjoy writing, but how about painting or crafts, or something movement-related like going for a run or putting on some music and dancing? Getting those feelings out as you are experiencing them may leave you feeling less drained and more energized and calm.

[hawley-smoot]

I don't really have time or energy to read a non-school-related book (I barely have time for the school-related reading as it is). I feel like I'm too easily frustrated by logic puzzles, and I'm prone to becoming obsessive about my hobbies so they take up more and more time and absorb my mental energy until I don't have time to do things like study or sleep. I used to run, and I dance, but I have patellofemoral pain syndrome that flares up when I do too much. Sorry again.

[Johanna]

Okay, I have to confess I am all out of suggestions for now. But I do have a few thoughts. You came to us asking for help, and I knwo you came in expecting something that we unfortunately cannot give you - a quick fix. As I, and also Sam, have explained, there really is no quick fix for dealing with things like having low self-esteem or depression, or coming to terms with unhealthy relationship dynamics and sexual assault. So, with the option for a quick fix off the table, what do YOU think you need most right now? What do you need to heal, and what do you think our role in that can be?

[hawley-smoot]

I still have no idea what I need, and I still think I must have miscommunicated, I don't feel that it was a sexual assault, and I'm sorry if I led you to believe that it was or that I thought so. I don't know what would help me, and I think I'm kind of just continuing to ask questions just so that I know someone is on the other end, because I don't like it when I can't reach anyone, regardless of whether or not I know them.

[Johanna]

You came here describing a situation and asking what it was, saying you were not sure about it. I've given you my answer to your quesions. It's alright if you're not ready to accept that - it's a hard thing to live with. But I am going to keep calling it what it is.

So it sounds to me like what you need right now, at least as far as Scarleteen is concerned, is a space where you can come and feel safe and heard. We're happy to be that for you! In fact, we've recently started offering journal spaces for users who are looking for a safe space to get their thoughts out. Please let me know if you are interested in such a journal, and we can set it up for you.

[hawley-smoot]

No, what he did was wrong but it wasn't assault. I must have described it incorrectly, I'm sorry.

I dunno. I should probably just stop coming on here, I don't deserve to feel better anyway. Sorry to waste your time.

[Johanna]

You are not wasting our time, hawley. If you have found coming here and posting useful for you, please continue to do so. We wre here for people like you, and we are happy to continue to be there for you.

[hawley-smoot]

No, you don't understand, I described the situation wrong, and I don't see why anyone should feel they have to help me feel any better, it doesn't matter whether or not I felt helped anyway.

[Ashleah]

Hi Hawley,

Johanna will be away for most of the day but I wanted to let you know that we have seen your message and she will get back with you soon as she ca,. I just want to echo that being here for all or users is what we aim to do!!! You in no one are inconveniencing us or taken away resources from anyone else. Please continue to post if you want.

[hawley-smoot]

I dunno, I still feel guilty for being on here, and I can't tell if it's making the other feelings come more frequently because of the emotional associations I already have.

[Johanna]

Only you can know if posting here is helping you, and if it so something you want to keep on doing. We are coming up on a direct services break next week, so maybe you can use that time away from the message boards to think about the things that we have talked about and how you feel about that, and where you want to go from here.

All I can do for the time being is repeat again that you have nothing to feel guilty about, and that we are here to help you in whatever way we can.

[hawley-smoot]

I can't really tell if this is helping, but I have nowhere else to go, so if this isn't helping, then I'm not going to be able to feel any better for some time. The idea of just giving up still scares me, so I guess I should probably continue on here anyway, at least for now.

[Eddie C]

Hello there, hawley.

Just as Ashleah did, I want you to know that someone saw your post. Johanna is not around today but as soon as she can I'm sure she will reply to you. Also, I would like to echo what Johanna said about the boards having a break for a week. Maybe you can really use this time to think about all that has been said in here so far. It's been a lot of things and sometimes it is hard and takes time to process and sink in everything.

If the idea of giving up scares you, then don't. We are here for you in case you want us to.

So hang in there, hawley, we are rooting for you.

[hawley-smoot]

The timing of the break scares me a lot, because I have AP testing this week and next week, and I'm really scared that my performance will be compromised because I'll be losing so much sleep to my inability to move on, especially because I don't feel like I've been getting any better. I guess I appreciate your faith in me, but I think it is misfounded.

[Johanna]

Hi hawley. I just wanted to check in again before the direct services break. I am sorry you are feeling like the break will be a struggle for you, but we will be right here again in just one short week. Maybe in the meantime, you can still write out your thoughts? Whenver you feel the urge to post on Scarleteen, you can just write down in a journal whatever you would want to post here. And if there's anything specific that you are really preoccupied with, you can make a note to bring it up here after the break.

You can get better, hawley. I have faith in you, too.

[hawley-smoot]

I meant to say this a week ago, but I didn't get to the site in time. I don't feel that 'better' is in the cards for me. Sorry for continuing to waste your time.

[Heather]

So, sounds like maybe right now, you're just feeling awfully stuck, and not in the headspace to even envision "better" as a possibility for yourself, let alone take steps towards positive change. Does that sound about right?

Bt the way, I feel I can speak for anyone here and say the conversations we have here aren't a waste of time. Just because someone isn't yet in the space -- be that mental or otherwise -- to practically apply information from those conversations doesn't mean they wasted our time.