Comfort during sex

[pinkcities]

Hey!

So, I have this problem during sex that I cant shake off. I can't seem to be comfortable in my own body when I 'bottom'. I love topping my girlfriend and I love being able to make her feel good, but when I want to be touched I get disgusted that she has to see me or my body. Sometimes I even get turned off, and it sucks because I know I want it and I know I want her to do that for me, but I cant shake off that I'm weird looking to her.

I'm really comfortable and confident in my body, but I just dont know how to be comfortable enough for her to see me. Any advice?

[Heather]

Hey there, fellow Chicagoan, sorry you're struggling with this! <3

It sounds like some baby steps might be a way to go here. How about we brainstorm some ways you can start to build up some body confidence that are smaller, and that have you feeling less vulnerable when you try them?

One place you might start -- and a thing that can be cool to do, regardless -- is to ask your partner if you two can just have a back and forth share about what you both love about each other's bodies and parts. You tell her something you like about hers, then she takes a turn with you, and you keep going back and forth. How does that sound? Open to other ideas like this?

[pinkcities]

That sounds super great! I'm definitely open to more ideas too!

[Heather]

Awesome!

Have you ever talked to her about these feelings at all? Even if you don't share yet at the level you did here, how do you feel (if you haven't already) about sharing some of these insecurities with her?

I wonder, too, if it might be helpful to talk here a little about what the expectations are you have for yourself in this that you aren't meeting. For instance, what do you feel like you *should* look like that's the expectation you aren't meeting? And where do you feel like those expectations are from?

[pinkcities]

I've shared my insecurities with her before, and I'm comfortable with telling her. I just haven't felt like the problem was 'solved'. I just want to be able to look as cute as I think I am, but I get so embarrassed of myself and my body. Honestly, it might come from being scared I'm doing something weird and getting laughed at. I'm 100% open with my girlfriend and I love her so much, but I do everything I can do to avoid looking embarrassing. I'll cover my face, my mouth, or completely turn away. I get so frustrated when I do this, I just want to be able to have sex like a normal person haha.

[Heather]

You know, I'd actually say it's pretty normal for people, especially when sexual partnership is new, to feel the way you are, where you're worried about embarrassment. We're really vulnerable when we're having sexual responses in earnest.

If it helps -- and maybe it won't, but it's the truth, so what can I say? -- everyone looks pretty weird during sex. It just doesn't tend to be the way that we see it when we're into each other, is all: we have on the rose-colored glasses of sexual desire, so we either don't see the weirdness or we think it's charming/hot/beautiful.

I think the thing here that is maybe worth some more thinking and talking about is how to keep building trust so you start to feel like you can look as weird as any of the rest of us but NOT have to worry about being ridiculed for it. Maybe talk about that piece some more and see what you can brainstorm together?

[pinkcities]

Thank you so much!

I talked to my girlfriend about everything that bothered me and we were able to talk about it together! I'm trying to learn to take things in the moment and try not to focus on everything else, it kinda worked!! Trial and error though, but I'm really happy with my baby steps (: I'm still scared I might be weird or embarrassing but a little less now!

Is it okay if I ask a different question here too?

[al]

Hi pinkcities,

I'm so glad to hear that!! The baby steps are so important, and communication makes all the difference.
I wanted to add that the comfort with ourselves and our bodies' quirks that you're working towards is also something that we're constantly developing and growing with time, different experiences, and exposure to other people's bodies' quirks as well. (I hope that sentence makes sense.)

Feel free to ask away! You can also make a new topic in one of the other sections if you think it would fit better there - whatever works best for you.

[pinkcities]

In general, my libido is really high compared to my girlfriends, which is lower. I feel like its so easy to get turned on when I'm around her but sometimes I don't even want to have sex. It's suuuuper frustrating when I just want to hang out and enjoy our time together. I was wondering, is there any way to lower my sex drive?

[Amanda F]

Hi pinkcities,

in reference to your first question, I also wanted to share this article with you! The Sex Goddess Blues: Building Sexual Confidence, Busting Perfectionism

Now, about your libido. First off, it's healthy to have a high libido (just as it's also healthy to have a lower one), so although you didn't ask, I want to reassure you that you're both totally normal. It can be frustrating to get those messages when they're unwanted, but there's not too much you can do to make them go away. Your body is doing what it was made to do - hey! attraction! hormones! excitement! - and it doesn't really "know" any better. While sometimes it would be nice to have an on/off switch that you could just flick, since that doesn't exist, how would it feel to be kind to yourself (rather than be frustrated) and accept these feelings, without necessarily feeling like you have to act on them?

I wonder, too, if it would be a bit of a "release valve" to be able to tell your girlfriend when you're feeling aroused but don't want to actually have sex. That way you don't have to hide or try to suppress this natural reaction by your body, but instead can just let it come out into the open by acknowledging it, and then you can both move on with whatever you were doing.