Feeling like I shouldn’t contact friends

[Sabine]

Now, I have contacted my friends, as in video chatted them last week and have texted some of them. I want to, However, due to my moods and sometimes feeling like I disturb them, I feel like I shouldn’t contact them. My intrusive thoughts also come into play thinking ehhh, why would they care or they would just bail on me. Also, what makes me shouldn’t contact them is when my sister and her boyfriend go out and hang with their friends. I want to reach out and do the same, but I often feel I don’t deserve it, especially when I don’t feel close to anyone or especially have a long distance girlfriend right now.

This came up because a group chat wanted to google meet and that not only conflicted with my time zone, but even though I felt good when I was in a group zoom it wasn’t going to last and that I have I didn’t fit because the majority was about Star Wars and what is the use in joining a chat when you can only listen. No other friend wanted to initiate chatting or followed up so, I feel bad and more isolated that I don’t have a consistent schedule of socialization via video chatting.

This is especially bad since Pride and my birthday is coming up this month and I am thinking what gives, who cares about my birthday, who will care to come and truth me to told, I don’t know how to celebrate it. I want to zoom, but I don’t know if they want to celebrate my birthday or will be busy during that time.

I know I cannot afford to isolate myself for my mental health and I know theres something beyond my thoughts about my friends, so what to do? How do to this? How will it get better?

[Sam W]

Hi Sabine,

It sounds like there's a part of your brain trying to convince you that contacting your friends isn't worth it. That can be such a tough, crummy spot to be in, especially right now when social distancing is in many ways still the sound call.

You've mentioned intrusive thoughts a few times; have you ever talked to anyone about them, or gotten support around managing them? And when you do text your friends, how does that normally go?

[Sabine]

Normally that goes very well and it goes amazing.
I’m trying to manage it with DBT and I am thinking of doing some expose therapy. Other than that some distractions, but that works temporarily.

[Sam W]

Got it. Is there a way you could leave yourself a note or reminder that talking with your friends goes well and is worth doing? Sometimes having a physical note from "past you" can help challenge whatever unhelpful thoughts you're having.

With the different forms of therapy, are you working on them with a mental healthcare provider offering support? Or have you had luck doing them on your own?

[Sabine]

Thats a great helpful tip. I want write that note and I really want to remind myself more to contact them. I really want to keep a schedule too. However, I don’t want my moods interfering making me think, why bother, my friends don’t want me for me ... etc.’

I am also kinda anxious that I will be ghosted especially by some new friends that I am trying to make online.

I am having two therapies, mainly psychotherapy and DBT. I always wanted to try expose therapy, but with the type of obsessions and intrusive thoughts I have, it would be kinda hard. I am really curious about what types of exposes to do for more covert obsessions and intrusive thoughts.

[Sam W]

Maybe having the note or some DBT tricks in place can hep with scheduling and keeping appointments with friends? I'm actually a big fan of scheduling friend calls (or even setting reminders to text someone who I want to keep up regular communication with). It helps maintain those friendships and, with the scheduling calls, can make things less stressful for more introverted friends who aren't huge fans of spontaneous calls.

If you're working with a therapist at all, have the two of you discussed ways for you to be comfortable taking risks around things like making new friends? In other words, ways of thinking about things like potentially being ghosted that allow you to still take the risk of making a new friend?

[Sabine]

I should talk to my therapist more about that. Like text more with her. But we meet like once a week and can only focus on one situation at the a time, I unfortunately didn’t focus on my anxieties with my friends and I didn’t get to discuss with her, at least not yet. Only so much time in a session and always so much time in a day. I don’t wanna bother her. So, what could be some other tips to overcome some anxieties about contacting some new people like video chatting with them?

[Mo]

I understand how hard it can be to make time for everything you want to cover in therapy; hopefully this is something you'll be able to address someday. I do think Sam's idea to schedule regular calls might be good. It sounds like some of the anxiety you were expressing in your first post was around larger group hangout chats, does contacting a couple people for one-on-one chats sound any less intimidating to you? I wonder if you could set a small goal to contact one or two (or whatever feels doable to you) friends every week to see if they can have a video chat.
I think that reaching out those first few times might feel the hardest, but getting in the habit of it will likely make the anxiety easier to handle. I find that when I put off contacting someone, the longer I do it my anxiety about it builds and builds, but if I can just MAKE myself sit down and make the call (or send the text/email, etc.) I'm so relieved, and it's almost never as bad as I build it up to be. Maybe you can come up with a small reward for yourself that you can indulge in after you contact your friends, as a little treat for taking that initiative.

[alanajoy]

Hi Sabine,

Wondering how you're going with this sitch? I've also been finding this a strange period of time in terms of maintaining old friendships and nurturing new ones. What Mo said about the larger group hang outs is so true, I think! As much as it's great that group zoom calls are a thing, I think it can create this new kind of social pressure at the moment. Even video calls themselves can be quite a big thing to sit down and do! Maybe if those kind of formats are feeling a bit overwhelming at the moment, you could focus on starting a little smaller with texting/messaging – even if it's just by sharing a funny meme or a movie recommendation or an article you've read. Just reaching out in whatever way feels most comfortable, making a little connection, and then working up from there?

Sometimes when I'm feeling like I want to retreat and like there's no point contacting friends, I try to treat it like personal homework. I'll write down a little list of the people I'd like to check in with in the week, like a to do list, and then just trying to tick it off like that. Even if it's just a text literally saying "Hey, thinking of you and hope you're going ok!" The rule with that is that you're not allowed to feel guilty or bad if you don't actually reach out to those people during the week though. I just find it can help me to feel a little less anxious by having some kind of little plan or guide. And practicing to get in the habit, like Mo also said!

It's a strange old time for lots of people navigating relationships at the moment, and I would probably bank on the people in your life feeling some kind of uncertainty too – even people like your sister and her boyfriend who might seem to have it sorted. You're doing well for even having this great self-awareness!

[Amanda F]

Thanks for your great suggestions, alanajoy, and welcome to the boards!