navigating bdsm with a potential partner

[KC]

This is kinda an awkward subject for me- since i find it slightly embarrassing haha. But I could use some advice on it?
For a little context- I've been talking to this girl for a few weeks now and we're really hitting it off, I wanted to take things a little slower and court her (call me old fashioned but I just think that a girl deserves three dates and the best treatment before deciding if she wants to shack up.) We went out for coffee, it was a really good first date, and we're having dinner this Sunday with my family. She's mentioned she really likes me and I feel the same and we're both undeniably decently sexual people so I wasn't about to complain when she initiated some things of the sexual nature.

It just gets a little difficult for me when we enter the kinky side of things. Don't get me wrong- I am an avid fan of bdsm and I enjoy when we get a little kinky especially since she's a fan of the dom-sub relationship, bondage, and masochism. The issue with me is that being trans and both of us being switches I feel almost sick after getting topped by her because I've been conditioned (mostly by superrrr sexist family members) to feel as if I'm less of a man because she was in control. It's bullshit- and I don't hold that as a personal belief but like my brain just really had to betray me like that huh.I'm not too sure how to quell that after-thought and anxiety, because in the moment it's excellent but afterwards? Dysphoria city.

the second issue here Is that I'm a little scared to show my sadistic side. She finds it hot and has reassured me over and over that she enjoys the thought of me being rough e.t.c because she is a masochist (I'm talking like 365 Days rough.) But I can get pretty intense- I bite hard, I leave bruises, and choke hard enough to leave marks, and I'm super worried about hurting her. We have established a safe word so we know if the other is getting uncomfortable, but I don't want these fears to ruin the mood or stop us from dating and having a good and healthy sex life. Any tips for how I can keep my emotions in check or improve the situation?

[Sam W]

Hi KC,

Ooof, it can be so annoying when those messages that you know are nonsense end up popping up and messing with something you're enjoying. Do you have any techniques that you use in other parts of your life to counter those "I'm not a man because X" messages that you think you could use here?

As far as the pain elements go, it can help to remember that that comfort of the person administering the pain is as important as the comfort of the person receiving it. So if there are levels of inflicting pain that aren't comfortable for you because you're afraid you're hurting her (even with the safeword) have the two of you talked about how you can meet that desire for S/M in a way where you aren't worried about that?

(As a side note, we generally don't recommend people choke their partners, even if it's something both parties enjoy. It's hard to do truly safely, and if it goes wrong it goes very wrong very quickly, so it might be worth talking with her about ways to recreate what you like about choking that are safer).