I'm not sure what turns me on

[amusicfan]

Ok so I don't really know how exactly to explain this fully, but I'll try. I'm 16 almost 17, and I think I started puberty maybe the end of grade 8 / start of grade 9, so I was maybe 14. Anyway I found out about masturbating, and I guess since the hormones were going crazy, anything even remotely about sex or girls would um work for doing it. But whenever I would do it, it was never in a way that was really in touch with my body and how it feels. Just lock the door, do it quickly for a few mins, and be done. (Also cause I was worried about ppl catching me).

Anyways, now that I'm older, I've realized that I still masturbate in the same hurried way, and I want to really get more in touch with my body and actually know what feels good and what I like. Instead of just like forcing it.

But I don't know what exactly turns me on or how I can explore that. Like in terms of porn or erotica, or what. Cause as I said before anything talking about sex or (sorry if this is TMI but just any pic of girls in less clothing) would do the trick before, but I guess not anymore. But I especially wanna start taking it slower and break the habit of rushing it, and idk what to do.


Sorry if this is confusing, I'd appreciate even a little bit of an answer on this cause I guess even I don't exactly know how everything fits together, and I can clarify stuff if it's needed. Thanks

[Sam W]

Hi amusicfan,

It's awesome that you're looking for ways to get more in touch with your body and your fantasies! I think this article offers some starting places for that exploration that could be really helpful for you: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms. If you haven't already, you could also try setting aside some time where you know you'll have privacy and no one will be likely to disturb you to just get really in touch with your body and find out which parts of it feel pleasurable (in a sexual OR non-sexual way) to touch.

I do want to add that it's not that unusual for our sex drives or what turns us on to fluctuate. Sometimes the novelty of what we were fantasizing about wears off, sometimes we learn new things about our desires, and things like stress, puberty, general health, and a whole host of factors can influence how much we're interested in sex.

[amusicfan]

Thanks Sam, I'll check out that article! And yeah I think finding a time I can really dedicate to this exploration would really help me, instead of trying to just fit it in in a short period of time.

And that last part makes sense too how there's a lot of factors that can influence sex drive, I'll try and keep those in mind.

I guess some more conflicting feelings I'm getting is that recently it doesn't feel that pleasurable, which I guess is tied into not fully taking the time to explore, or just lower sex drive. But it's weird because I'll get a boner and feel like doing it, but then when I start I sometimes don't even reach orgasm because everything just goes away after a bit and I lose the feelings. Is that normal to masturbate but not always reach orgasm? Maybe I'm expecting to always have one, so when I don't it makes me feel down about it...

Thanks again for your response, I'll definitely read and do some thinking about the article you linked, and sorry if I kind of get into rambling.

(The link didn't work when I clicked on it but it let me Google search it and I found it from there).

[Sam W]

You're welcome!

Plenty of people masturbate without reaching orgasm (and one person may masturbate and reach orgasm one day, and masturbate but not orgasm another), and the reasons for that can be vary. Sometimes people focus more on general pleasure or exploration, with orgasm as an added benefit rather than the main goal. Other times, people start masturbating, then find they're not in the mood, or that their arousal goes away fairly quickly, or the get bored, or something is uncomfortable and their body just goes "nope, not today."

I will say that our brains play a major role in how we experience sexual pleasure, so if you're noticing you've had a hard time getting into fantasies or finding things that turn you on, that could be a main reason why you're noticing a decrease in pleasure. How about, for the next little while, you only try masturbating when you notice your brain is turned on as well as your body?

[amusicfan]

Ok that makes a lot of sense, I think I should focus more on the exploration aspect for a bit. And I read the article, the information about porn and the inclusivity/consent aspect was really helpful, cause I think I viewed it as kind of weird or kind of fake / over the top, but I realised there's a lot more options out there.

And yeah, definitely, cause I usually just take physically turned on as a sign, but I think I should work more on getting mentally turned on as well (if that wording works? Lol). and I can figure out what I like overall.

And thanks for the reasurance about orgasm, because sometimes I feel I rush there too fast, but I should just enjoy it and it's still good even if I don't get there every time.

[Amanda F]

Hi amusicfan,

There's an article here with some suggestions for exploring your body in different ways, which might be applicable here too!

https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... ensitivity

[amusicfan]

That seems really helpful too, thanks both of you for the help!

[Sam W]

You're welcome!