Coming out??

[mattwithabat]

So I've known that I was most certainly not straight for a long time, but I never knew what label to give myself and was uncertain as to how people would react (more specifically, my parents).

Today I have more of a support network in college than I did growing up, but in the five years it took me to figure out I was bi, I still haven't come out to my family. I love my parents very much, and I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for them. I tell myself there should be nothing to worry about, but whenever I get that far, my mom or my dad will say something on the fence of being homophobic, and there I go locking the door to the closet again. I know my mom means well, and I feel she's come a long way from the things she learned growing up in a very Catholic household. But more often than not, I fear deep down she'll resent me for merely liking both men and women. And to be honest, I have no idea where my dad's standing on things like this is because he's the kind of guy to give one-word answers to essays.

Recently I met a girl in college we'll call J. And I really like her. She's apart of an entire facet of my life I feel I can't talk about because I'm afraid I'll lose my family (and college funding). I know sooner or later I have to tell them, but I honestly have no idea how. Any advice is much appreciated.

[Sam W]

Hi mattwithabat,

I totally get why your parent's behavior makes you unsure as to how (or if) to come out, since that "maybe they'll be fine...OOP okay maybe not" is a hard thing to deal with. Doubly so when there's an important person in your life who you want to share with them, but can't because of that fear.

Do you have any family members, or even older family friends, who you know for certain are supportive of LGBT people?

In terms of more general coming out advice, including weighing risks, this piece is a really good place to start: Becoming Out: A Totally Non-Exhaustive, Step by Step Guide to Coming Out.

[mattwithabat]

The immediate family I have don't talk about this sort of thing much, which is why it's been difficult to gauge a reaction. I have next to no contact with the rest of my family. I haven't heard from more than half of them in years. I live in a very conservative area now that I'm home, so I'm kind of in the dark until next semester. However, my university friends have been so supportive, and my best friend happily asks for updates on J daily.

I read the linked article and found it helpful, and while I have yet to decide whether or not to come out while I am at home, I feel a bit more comfortable about the thought now.

[Sam W]

I'm glad the article was helpful, and that you have friends who are supportive! It can be so hard to be in a conservative area when you're part of the LGBTQ community, especially if you aren't sure being out to your family is safe. In addition to your friends, do you have ways of staying connected to the LGBTQ community?

[mattwithabat]

I plan on joining an LGBTQ university club once classes are back in session, but other than that I mostly get news from Twitter and a few Instagram pages (not really a community-based setting). So not really in the much of staying connected with an overall community right now. I am trying to become more involved under the radar at home, though.

[Sam W]

Joining the club sounds like a great idea!

As far as how to get more involved under the radar, these articles may give you some ideas. Some of them are framed as about celebrating pride, but a lot of the advice applies to getting involved in or staying connected to the community in general: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/poli ... ant_be_out, https://www.vice.com/en_ca/article/m7jv ... otally-out?, https://www.vice.com/en_ca/article/wxqj ... tq-friends?

Do you see some ideas in those pieces that feel doable in your current living situation?

[Raffles]

I know that a lot of people test the waters by bringing up an unnamed friend or even a celebrity that has come out. That might be a good way to figure out where they stand. It also might give you a chance to dispell any myths they might believe beofre it's directed at you, if that makes any sense.

[mattwithabat]

Thank y'all for your help! I'll definitely be using these ideas for the future I'm currently waiting for a more comfortable situation to do this, and I'll get back to you on how it goes

[Sam W]

You're so welcome, and I hope you know we're all crossing our fingers and hoping things work out for you!