Gender fluid and female?

[Hel]

Stereotypes have always annoyed me. All I want is for people to recognize me for who I am, not for my appearance and gender. I'm okay with identifying as a girl now (when I was younger I was more agender), but it frustrates me that so many people assume I'm not as smart or strong as guys. It really is hurtful to me that I am expected to be pretty, emotional, etc. For this reason (being free of stereotypes), I like gender fluidity. For me, it is a way in which I can explore my gender, without having to settle on one title.

Is it possible to openly be gender fluid and female? I don't know if I should tell anyone I know that I feel this way; gender fluid. I already came out as trans and then kind-of took that back, since it didn't fit me. I don't want to go through the struggles of coming out again.

[Sam W]

Hi Hel,

I completely understand why you'd be hesitant to come out again, or even to broach the topic with people if last time involved some struggle. But it can certainly be tough to be trying to navigate these questions while feeling like you have to keep it from people. Were there people in your life who were really supportive of you exploring your gender?

Genderfluidity can look and feel a lot of different ways, so if this is the one that feels right to you right now (or forever), then you get to use it. Have you been able to spend any time in genderfluid spaces, or talk with genderfluid folks whose experiences are similar to yours?

[Hel]

There are people in my life who were very supportive of me. When I came out as trans, they were surprised, but willing to help me in lots of different ways. However, I always got the impression that they were hoping it was just a phase. And it that case, it was. I would be hesitant to come out to those people again, mainly because I'd feel like I would have to change my behavior to prove it isn't a phase.

I have explored gender in a therapy setting, which was very helpful to me. I also play a role-playing game in which I sometimes create characters for myself that are genders other than female. I change my outfits a lot, because for me, expression is a huge part of gender.

[Sam W]

I'm glad therapy gave you a safe space to explore your gender. And hooray for role-playing games! They can be such a low stakes but high impact way of exploring or expressing different parts of your gender identity.

If you're worried that people will think how you identify now is a phase, it can help to sort of reframe how you think of phases when it comes to gender identity. People who are arguing in bad faith often use the word to dismiss people's experiences by implying that if something is "just a phase" then it's not real or important. But we humans' aren't unchanging, static objects; we're constantly going through phases as we learn knew things about ourselves or our circumstances change. And many of those "phases" are deeply important and help us understand ourselves, and just because they don't last forever doesn't mean they weren't real, or that we were somehow mistaken in our conclusions. You identified as trans based on the information you had at the time, and now that identity doesn't match with the new information you've gotten. Does that make sense?

[Hel]

Yes, that does make sense. Thank you for the clarification!

[Sam W]

You're welcome!