Feeling Ashamed/Unsure

[Moxy1984]

Hello. 17 year old girl whos obsessed with the 80s here again. I'm here to just get some thoughts out, and ask some questions. Sometimes, usually late at night, I seek out various gifs or short clips of lesbian couples, that are usually/most likely from television shows or adult films. I think that can explain itself. They are never graphic (I am almost afraid of looking for actual porn on actual websites, because I know that it's wrong in general, and I would feel horrible if I did, due to the content, and the fact I've never seen/done certain things), but they are definitely very sexual in nature. I usually get aroused, but I never masterbate to any of it (mainly because I've never done it/don't know how). I tend to be only attracted to girl on girl clips, and I find the gifs I see of the man being practically in control of the woman almost disturbing (I know that real sexual relationships aren't all like this, but those are the ones I usually see online of straight relationships, and I just don't really enjoy it). I sometimes have fantasies of no real woman in particular, and myself, having a sexual encounter. Again, I have no idea if I just want to have sex with a woman, or actually be with one, and it's driving me kinda nuts.

[Alexa]

Hey A.Feind1983,

The question of what your sexual orientation is is entirely up to you. It sounds like attraction to women may certainly factor into it, but you get to decide how that defines your identity. Want to take a look at our article, Q is for Questioning? I think it might be really helpful while you're working through this process. Let us know what you think!

Re: masturbation, I have another recommendation -- Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation. It's a great intro to exploring your own body & pleasure.

I want to take a moment to address this:

I am almost afraid of looking for actual porn on actual websites, because I know that it's wrong in general, and I would feel horrible if I did, due to the content, and the fact I've never seen/done certain things

Porn isn't inherently wrong! In fact, when the people who make it and star in it are empowered and happy with their work environment, it can be great -- both for the performers and for their customers. The porn industry itself, unfortunately, is rife with people who want to capitalize on the vulnerability of others -- but not all porn is bad, and wanting to watch it isn't necessarily bad. If you want to talk about this further, we're definitely here! I just wanted to make sure we addressed this in case it's a place of shame and/or stigma for you. Gonna end here with, you guessed it!, an article: Looking, Lusting, and Learning: A Straightforward Look at Pornography

Do some exploring on the site and let us know what you think <3