Lackluster Orgasm?

[sunadonis]

Hello all! I'm a 22 yr old transmasc nby person and I primarily use he/him and it/it's pronouns. Now onto the topic at hand.....

I've been masturbating for a couple of years now and while I feel pleasure, I also feel like I either don't know how to properly reach orgasm OR I do but it's.... dull if you will.

I do mainly clitoral stimulation, combined with penetration (usually not thrusting, just sitting in my vagina canal because I like the feeling of something in me if you will) and I can reach a point where I tense up but whenever I stop stimulation when it gets to be too much, I feel a "throbbing" in my genital area. I don't actually know if that's me orgasming or if it's something else. Any thoughts?

I am talking to my therapist about this (my possible inability to orgasm, coupled with thoughts of inadequacy and feeling "broken") but wanted other opinions.

[Sam W]

Hi sunadonis,

When you experience that tensing up, is it followed by any sort of sense of relief or release? Or is it more that the throbbing feels like there's still pressure or tension that hasn't yet found it's release?

I'm glad to hear you're discussing this with your therapist and getting support that way. Have they recommended things for you to try?

[sunadonis]

It is kinda a tensing up with a bit of release but the throbbing feels like it's an afterthought, if that makes sense? I'm been feeling it for a couple of years now but I've never really put much thought into it.

My therapist is technically a grad student who's monitored by a licensed therapist but she hasn't. I think she's just glad that I'm opening up about it.

[Mo]

There are some medications, especially some types of antidepressants like SSRIs, that can change sexual response and make orgasm underwhelming or difficult to achieve. I don't know if you're taking any medication like that, but it's something I wanted to flag in case you are.
When you're masturbating, are you doing it when you're already feeling pretty aroused?

[sunadonis]

There are some medications, especially some types of antidepressants like SSRIs, that can change sexual response and make orgasm underwhelming or difficult to achieve. I don't know if you're taking any medication like that, but it's something I wanted to flag in case you are.
When you're masturbating, are you doing it when you're already feeling pretty aroused?

I've talked to my psych about possibly changing my medications (Lexapro, Abilify and Lamictal) but I think that I have had this issue since before taking meds but it's been such a long time since I've actually kept track. My therapist thinks that it might be a combination of medications and negative internal dialogue now.

The internal aspect as been hard to overcome mainly because I've been dealing with it for such a long time. I'm trying very hard to get more comfortable with talking to my therapist about it (read; shame) while talking to my friends make me feel more as ease. It's only because of my friends that I found the courage to talk about it.

Now that last question is the real kicker! It's partly out of arousal and partly out of obligation to routine. I have multiple routines but that is one I do out of either 1) the feeling of simmering arousal or 2) the need to tucker myself out if you will. It's occasionally satisfying but other times it's just something to do.

I think another aspect is that I'm on testosterone and so my sex drive is all wonky.

[Sam W]

Ooof, I know from folks in my own life that Lexapro alone can make it harder to masturbate orgasm. I think it's really sound that your therapist is approaching this both from the medication angle and from the internal thoughts and feelings angle. It sounds like you're making progress talking to her about it, which is awesome!

What if, for the next little while, you aimed to only masturbate when you were feeling arousal (even if it's mostly the simmering kind)? Our brains play such a big role in how we experience pleasure that if they're not super engaged and aroused, masturbation is unlikely to feel great or lead to orgasm. Too, once you start masturbating, is it pretty easy to fall into a fantasy or other thoughts that keep you turned on? Or does your brain kind of space out or start worrying/thinking about other stuff?

[sunadonis]

Ooof, I know from folks in my own life that Lexapro alone can make it harder to masturbate orgasm. I think it's really sound that your therapist is approaching this both from the medication angle and from the internal thoughts and feelings angle. It sounds like you're making progress talking to her about it, which is awesome!

What if, for the next little while, you aimed to only masturbate when you were feeling arousal (even if it's mostly the simmering kind)? Our brains play such a big role in how we experience pleasure that if they're not super engaged and aroused, masturbation is unlikely to feel great or lead to orgasm. Too, once you start masturbating, is it pretty easy to fall into a fantasy or other thoughts that keep you turned on? Or does your brain kind of space out or start worrying/thinking about other stuff?

Oh, my therapist and psychiatrist are two different people, fyi! Therapist is a grad student being monitored who I'm finally opening up to while the psychiatrist has an established practice and the degree to prescribe medication whom I originally brought this up to. But my psychiatrist has agreed to play with my meds a little bit, so far only upping my lamictal (25mg->50mg) and seeing what it does. (So far, hasn't made me feel any different so I think that one is safe!)

While I appreciate the advice, my sexy drive and testosterone unfortunately don't always agree. It's fickle and really only wants to activate, so to speak, when I'm in bed or, rarely, during the day and I have downtime. I did my dose for the week (100mg in 0.5mL IM) so in a day or two it'll feel unbearable, like I have to masturbate just to take the edge off or else I'll go nuts.

To answer the second question, it is easy to fall into fantasy but I also worry that how I experience arousal isn't normal? Or I suppose "typical" is the better word. It's there but it's rather subtle? It's hard to explain but, while I can and do find certain things sexy and arousing, it's not important in the grand scheme. Clitoral stimulation is the only reason why I even get anywhere. I've never been one to "get wet" while aroused (or perhaps I don't secrete much lubricant) but I feel arousal in a sense but it's on the back burner.

[Alexa]

I just want to reassure you that there isn't one "right" way to experience arousal. A lot of people experience pleasure from clitoral stimulation primarily or alone. As for subtle versus intense arousal, I think that's pretty subjective and you're not experiencing arousal the "wrong way," if that makes sense.

I wonder if thinking a lot about how you can/should get aroused, when/how often this happens, and whether masturbation is "properly" satisfactory is contributing to stress that is making it, ultimately, harder to feel pleasure. I agree with Sam that not pressuring yourself to be aroused or masturbate can be a good start re: helping relieve this pressure on yourself.

To that end, do you want to talk a bit more about when and how these concerns that you're having lackluster orgasms/not masturbating correctly arose for you? Maybe we can help dispel some of those myths. <3

[sunadonis]

I just want to reassure you that there isn't one "right" way to experience arousal. A lot of people experience pleasure from clitoral stimulation primarily or alone. As for subtle versus intense arousal, I think that's pretty subjective and you're not experiencing arousal the "wrong way," if that makes sense.

I wonder if thinking a lot about how you can/should get aroused, when/how often this happens, and whether masturbation is "properly" satisfactory is contributing to stress that is making it, ultimately, harder to feel pleasure. I agree with Sam that not pressuring yourself to be aroused or masturbate can be a good start re: helping relieve this pressure on yourself.

To that end, do you want to talk a bit more about when and how these concerns that you're having lackluster orgasms/not masturbating correctly arose for you? Maybe we can help dispel some of those myths. <3

While I do recognize that arousal is different for one another, I personally feel like I don't experience it in a conventional way that I can properly process. It's mainly stems from my own issues, such as feeling that, despite knowing it's not important for actual satisfaction, the feeling of inadequacy/the fear of disappointing a partner. And yes, I also know that many of those with a clitoris primarily need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm as opposed to penetration alone. I, unfortunately, own a clitoris but we're not opening that can of worms*.

I believe I have already stated that I do feel pleasure; and perhaps what Mo said earlier might be my issue. Orgasm is "underwhelming" due to my medications and I unfortunately have an expectation that it's supposed to be some big event. It's not an issue of not masturbating "correctly" per say, seeing as there is not right way to do so but I fear that my body responses aren't what I expect to recognize my orgasm**. The main reason I posted this is because I do actually have a sneaking suspicion that I do actually achieve orgasm but due to mental illness and medications, it feels lackluster and thus I can't tell what it is for what it is.

*I'm fine with what I have so please don't try to analyze this response. I've come to terms with my feelings on this.

**Please note that I do think that there shouldn't be expectations on what orgasm should be but it's hard to separate cultural ideas that have been ingrained.

[Sam W]

Given what you're describing, I think you're right in that you may be experiencing orgasm, just one that is underwhelming or not what you expect. Or, potentially, you're getting very, very close and then not quite getting there, which also, understandably, ends up feeling underwhelming.

With all that in mind, what would be the most helpful direction we could take this conversation right now?