When you and your parent are different people

[BuddyBoi21]

Alright so a vent and needing advice.

How the hell do I put up with an overbearing/different parent while still living with them?

When I say different I mean we have very differing opinions/lifestyles now that I'm older. I've had three big things happen with a lot of little pet peeves living at home.

1. Watching a fiction movie depicting a family gospel group's life, we came across a scene where the mother hit her daughter for disrespecting her. My mom confirmed she would hit me or any of my siblings of we disrespected her. She used the phrase "calling her out of her name" to be exact.
That makes me feels EXTREMELY unsafe, especially considering out of my two parents she's the better one. (I don't speak to my father anymore.)

2. I was tired and she asked me to get up and take my sister to the store (she called me on my phone from another room). Given how tired I was I just hung up (I didn't respond and she may have been in a pause between a sentence, I don't remember now). When I left the room she looked at me and said "Don't forget who I am". I HATED this and broke down entirely in my car in front of my sister. I was extremely angry because I felt like a kid for one and two I felt (and still feel) restricted because I know that because I'm financially dependent on her I can't say anything.
My sister said to think of her as a roommate but after this next part I can't even try to do that.

3. I recently invited my partner over to intend it to be a date and I let my mom know ahead of time. When I was vacuuming my room my mom basically said not to have sex in the house. She didn't say we couldn't have sex while other people were home, she said we can't have sex in the house AT ALL. I'm 21 and my partner is 24. Later that day I found out from my 19 year old sister that she HAD to stay in the house to KEEP AN EYE ON US! My YOUNGER sister had to watch me and my partner!!! Even she couldn't empathize with my mom on that part. She also tried to reassure me that this applies to all my siblings (Note: My older brother is 25!)
My partner has (I would say it's closer to severe than mild) anxiety and feels extremely uncomfortable with car sex. We still made the best of our time together.

Moving on we have the "little" things:
•I can't swear in the house
•She still says transphobic things like "you can 'tell' a person is trans"/"this trans guy/girl looks like a girl/man to me" or "trans people need to tell people they're trans to avoid being attacked". It takes a lot of emotional energy to teach these things to her.
•Says "not all cops are bad" (even more infuriating considering we're black)
•Brings up the "End Times" and other religious topics regarding the apocalypse even though I told her more than once it makes me extremely uncomfortable (she has now stopped doing it but I hate her reasoning was "I feel like if I face God he'll ask me 'why didn't you tell them?' ". It still was a HUGE overstepped boundary because I have trauma associated with Christianity).

Basically, I've just about had it with my mom. I love her but I feel like I have no privacy, safety or control over my life. And to top it all off, most if not all of these things she does she says are because of her religion. She knows I don't really consider myself a Christian anymore and to make me live under rules based on her religion is bullshit imo.

How can I make this situation even the slightest bit more tolerable until I move out?
I can only do so much hiding in my room unfortunately and I can't go out because of the pandemic.

If anyone can relate that also helps as a reminder I'm not alone in all of this.

Thanks for reading.

[Sam W]

Hi BuddyBoi21,

Yikes, I can see why that situation is causing you so much stress, and I'm so sorry you're stuck in the midst of it. And, given that she's communicated to you she'd be willing to physically harm you if you "disrespected her," your options for getting through this may be pretty limited until you can get out.

Laying low as much as you can is a decent strategy, but as you've pointed out it can get wearing after awhile. Depending on where you live, are there any open, outdoor spaces like parks you could go to just for a little while? Open spaces can keep you at a safe distance from other people while still getting you out of such an oppressive environment.

Too, since it sounds like you and your other siblings may be feeling similarly about how she treats you (given that you and the two you've described are all legal adults). Do you think there's room for you all to come together and approach her as a unified front about certain boundaries?

Since it sounds like you were able to get her to stop making comments about the apocalypse (which is great, because those sounded immensely stressful) do you think you could use whatever approach worked then to get her to stop saying those other awful things around you?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Sam,

The most I feel I can manage is going out for walks. I know I can't go out and do too much physical activity since my job is very physical and I'm still working on my eating habits. My schedule seems to work out relatively well so I don't spend more time with my mom than I need to.

My sister is very indifferent about the situation and just doesn't like conflict so she tries to mediate and understand both sides. My brother's refuge is his bedroom on the other side of the house (it was formally mine but he moved back in) or his friend's house.

With the other topics, I just try to avoid them as much as possible. If not that I might send her a social media post here or there explaining my viewpoints and why what she's saying is problematic. Some of these discussions have definitely highlighted the generation gap imo.

So I'm trying my best as is my partner. They live with their parents again and their situation is worse than mine.

I'm starting to ask around about living situations and trying to figure out my expenses so I'm prepared. If you have any resources you recommend for helping out with "adulting" then it'd be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again

[Amanda F]

Hi BuddyBoi21,

I'd be happy to look for some resources for you! Can you tell me a little bit more about what would be helpful? Some things I can think of might be: financial literacy, how to rent your own apartment...what else would be useful?

I'm sorry if I missed this in a previous post thread of yours (if it came up), but I'm curious as to what your rough plans are regarding moving out. This sounds like a pretty awful living situation. The pandemic certainly doesn't help things. Do you have a sense of when/how you might move out? We could chat about that too.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Amanda,

Financial literacy would help a lot! Also just developing a schedule and some basics on cooking and a moving out checklist would be great too.

I currently am looking to move into a place with some older friends for $500 in a room. I'm also open to roommates and asking around for apartment recommendations. Living by myself would be nice but I know it's not super attainable. Maybe after finishing my degree and getting a higher paying job it might be possible but until then this is my best bet.

My plans currently are tracking all of my expenses and figuring out financial priorities. I'm still trying to finish up my degree and am considering loans plus I'm hoping I'll get more financial aid if I'm independent. I also need my other wisdom teeth removed (sooner rather than later).

I'm trying to figure out ways to make a supplemental income in order to help out with my current job while still in school or just simply going from part time to full time now that I'm not in the 90 day period. I also got a pay raise at my job which helps a lot. So I have more than one route to save up gradually and I'm hoping to move out in 6 months (maybe sooner if I'm lucky). I intend to be gone by 2022.

So the main goals right now are getting my wisdom teeth out, finding decent places preferably closer to my current job, funding the last bit of my degree then graduating and figuring out how to eat and cook consistently.

They're all a bit scattered but these are all the short term goals. I'm giving myself a short time frame just because I'm very nervous about how my time here might go. Plus the sex thing is really fucked up. My partner and I did some intimate "technically not sex things". I could tell they were more comfortable because no parents, no shitty roommates and some actual privacy. I would like moments like that to happen more often.

Anyway thank you so much!

[Mo]

I'm glad you have some goals in mind and have a good sense of what you're looking to take care of as you think about moving out! It definitely sounds like finding a place to live with friends or other roommates will be a big help in a lot of ways; your home seems like a very stressful place to be right now. I know some folks wind up having better relationships with their parents once they're able to have their own place to live with more freedom and privacy and can more easily set boundaries, but even if that doesn't happen, you'll still have more control over your living space and I'm sure that will be a relief.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Mo,

I completely agree! I trust I'll still speak to my mom, I just need space is all. Thanks for reassuring me on my loose plans. I'n still very nervous about everything but I'm doing what I can to keep my head up when possible through this less than favorable circumstance.

Thank you for the support!

[Amanda F]

Hi BuddyBoi21,

I found a few websites that might be helpful! Please disregard any information that doesn't apply to you. These are targeted toward "youth" which is often code for "teen," but the info is still good.

I know that some of the things the sites mention don't necessarily take into account that not everyone has supportive parents, which isn't super helpful - but I do think there are some good points about what to do and how to get more information about said points.

http://actforyouth.net/sexual_health/co ... nances.cfm
https://youth.gov/youth-topics/financia ... y-literacy
https://www.themoneyboy.com/move-out-and-afford-it/

[BuddyBoi21]

Thank you so much Amanda!

I'm planning things out and there's a chance I'll move out closer to a year than 6 months because I realized I'm super close to finishing my degree and I'm really tired of being in school.

Hopefully after I graduate I can get a new job that pays more so that when I do move out I'll be living more comfortably.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey y'all,
So I have some updates:
I found out that if I buckle down I really will graduate college in Fall of 2021!
The "bad" news is that being a full time student again means I'll be at home longer than I would like.

I've been managing as best as I can at home. I now eat in my room and try to limit time around my mom and/or maximize on private time when she's not home. It's been difficult though, especially as we get closer to the election.

My mom still believes in respectability politics whereas I don't anymore. She also says things that grow more and more contradictory.

Basically it's been more and more of "You're your own person" but "You're my child and what YOU do is a reflection of ME" even though I'm allegedly an adult. (I say allegedly because it feels like I don't have any actual recognition of adulthood at all.)

It's really frustrating and I'm hoping things improve soon. I do have a new side hustle that came up and another side project that's helping me get donations to me put through school or get new equipment for what I'm doing.

I just spend more of my time now more than anything else focusing into my projects in private. I'll be honest, I kind of hate recently how I was told by my mom that she wants me to "use my anger constructively" when I spoke about doing something she didn't agree with in response to people who oppose human rights (think Boston Tea Party type responses). Really more and more it also feels like aside from my boundaries that my feelings can be invalidated by my mom sometimes. I feel like she fails to understand me a good chunk of the time now and although she tries that doesn't mean it always helps. I talked about it in therapy and basically her advice is focus on things important to me and try to survive past election day.

Is it valid or does it at least make sense that I have too little energy to talk to my mom about how I feel with everything going on? Especially since I've had talks about other boundaries and they were completely disregarded? It all just feel really stressful, y'know? Anyway thanks for keeping up with me.

[Heather]

I think it absolutely makes sense. It's really, really exhausting to be in this position, and when you don't get support coming back for how you feel, you're basically expending energy that you don't get back, you know?