Third base?

[Hel]

I just had a few questions about the ranking of different sexual activities in relationships. So when I first kissed my boyfriend, we talked about it beforehand and he wanted to know if kissing was second base - going out on a date/holding hands being the first. (I think he meant kissing on the lips and also neck kisses as second base.) Is this true? It’s not urgent for me to know, but I’m just curious if there’s some sort of official ranking for this kind of thing.

Also, if he gives me a hickey, where does that rank in terms of bases? Is it the same as kissing or a different one because it’s more sensual?

Finally, if I ask him to touch and/or kiss my breasts, does this mean we’re doing something sexual? I’ve been fantasizing about that for a while, but I’m still not sure when to bring it up, since it seems like a big step in terms of physical intimacy.

[Sam W]

Hi Hel,

So, this is a really good example of why we, and many other sex ed resources, encourage people to ditch the "bases" system; there's no agreement on what each base means. I often use bases as an example when I do outreach, and almost everyone gives a different definition of each one (especially third). Instead, we suggest people use different comparisons (like pizza) of talking about sex: To Slide or to Slice? Finding a Positive Sexual Metaphor.

As for what "counts" as something sexual, that's one of those things that depends a lot on an individual's definition of sex. I would say that most people view a partner touching their breasts as sexual, but with things like kissing and hickeys there's a lot more variation; some people view them as sexual, some people view them as something romantic but not sexual, and so on. This article does a really good job of talking about how broad our experiences of sexual pleasure (and sexual anatomy) can be: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

[Heather]

I want to asl add something basic: whether or not something sexual is really just about if it is for everyone involved. Why would you ask him to touch or kiss your breasts? To explore and express sexual feelings? Then it's sexual for you. What if you don't actually feel any sexual desire for that, but wanted to ask him only because you thought you were supposed to? If so, then it might be sexual for him, but that doesn't sound sexual for you. It really is as simple as that. Make sense?