I just want to feel normal again..

[Amethyst]

I have been having a really difficult time lately being sexual. I have been through a lot the last 7 years. It all started in my marriage. I was married to who I thought was my "prince charming". He was so perfect until he got addicted to heroin, it destroyed him, it destroyed me, and it destroyed us. He began beating on me on a regular basis and would threaten to kill me if I left. I ended up getting so down that I to needed something to feel numb to deal with the pain. I ended up getting addicted to meth. One day I had finally had enough and decide to secretly leave. My mom was on her way and he came outside where I was waiting and took my phone out of my hands before I could delete the messages to my mother. I chased him into the house to get my phone back, but he had already read the messages. He ended up putting my head through a mirror in our bathroom, and then the closet door in the bathroom. He then threw me into the bedroom attached to our bathroom and choked me until he thought I was dead, luckily I was just unconscious. Luckily my neighbors called the police and they took him away and that was my way out. I ended up staying on drugs for another year, mainly because I was having a hard time dealing with what I had been through in my marriage. While I was using I was involved with some sketchy people, and I put myself in some sketchy situations. One of those situations lead me to being rapped at gun point. I ended up getting sober on December 31,2017 and have never looked back. I am in college and doing amazing but I am having issues with flashbacks of what I have been through(night terrors, disgust when someone touches me, getting stuck replying my attack over and over again in my head). It has got me to a point where I won't even masturbate because I just feel disgusting. I have tried to get over this but it just seems to get increasingly worse. My ex husband just got out of jail in March for what he did to me and unfortunately he lost to his addiction in April and for some reason my sexuality has gotten worse. Before he died I had been in a great relationship and was just beginning to get comfortable but after he died even the thought of being intimate with someone disgusts me so I left the guy I was seeing. I apologize for rambling, this is the first time I've ever been open like this, but this feeling of isolation and feeling of being so lost is really taking over and I don't know what else to do. Has anyone else ever gone through this type of situation? And if so, how did you deal with these feelings? I just feel like I am going to be like this forever and I'll be forever alone and that absolutely terrifies me. Thank you in advance.

[Sam W]

Hi Amethyst,

You've dealt with a tremendous amount of trauma, and I'm so sorry that's something you've been through (and also so glad that you're reaching out for support). I will say that trauma can have all kinds of after effects, and a lot of what you're describing in your current feelings are things we've heard from other survivors. You're not alone in what you're dealing with, even if it feels like it sometimes. And while it's deeply unfair and awful that you and others have gone through this kind of abuse, it does mean that there are tools and resources out there to help you out.

Before we jump into anything else, have you ever worked with a counselor or other resource specifically aimed at helping survivors or abuse and assault? If not, is that something you're open to exploring?

What would be the most helpful direction we could take this conversation to start with? For instance, if you want to brainstorm ideas for dealing with flashbacks or reconnecting with your body, that's something we can help with. Or, if there's something that feels like the most pressing issue, we can talk about that first.