is it normal to feel arousal, and it just disappear?

[bilbailey]

hello! this is the first thing i post on this website, i hope i am using it correctly. but i have been reading some of other people’s question, and i found something that is a little bit similar with my question.

i wanna ask something about what people call “having arousal” “i’ve finished” or “cumming”. i often do dry humping with my boyfriend since i am not ready to have sex. there is always a moment where i feel something, like i’m on the edge. but then i usually will stop as i feel like i’m close, because i dont know what to do after that. is there anything happening after we feel something like that? should i keep going? or is it because i’m not having sex, i’m not cumming? because i feel like i’m on the edge, but that’s the maximum feeling i can feel, like it will go away fast.

this also happens when i’m trying to do it by myself, like using a cloth or just basically rub myself with something. so i have been really scared, what if when i have sex, this is the maximum feeling i have? is it possible that a girl cannot cum, or finish? thank you so much for reading this TT

[Heather]

Hi there, bilbailey! Welcome to the boards.

Orgasm isn't really specific to people of a certain sex or gender in terms of how it works, overall. That's because it's something that happens mostly in our brains and central nervous systems, not our genitals or other body parts, and our brains and central nervous systems are pretty similar when it comes to gender or assigned sex. So, by all means, women and nonbinary people can orgasm just like men can orgasm.

"Cum" is slang that can make things pretty confusing, because that's a term people generally use to talk about ejaculation, which is something different from orgasm. But, because people with penises often ejaculate with or after orgasm, those folks will sometimes tend to use that word to mean *both* ejaculation and orgasm.

Here's a piece that explains the simplest version of how sexual response -- what people's bodies often go through during sexual activity -- works: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide. As you can see if you read through that, it sounds like you might be hanging out and stopping at a phase often called plateau, the phase that typically happens just before orgasm. That phase often feels like being on the edge, like you described.

You have options with that phase: if you want to stop sexual activity there, you can, just like you can stop sexual activity at any point if you want. If you want to keep going, you can, and to experience orgasm, you'll need to. You could keep going doing what you are already doing if it feels good, or you can change things up. For instance, you might find you need to switch to some more direct stimulation than dry humping after that to get to orgasm -- using a vibrator outside or inside your clothes, for example, or switching to fingers more directly on or around your clitoris -- or you might need to speed up with the dry humping or add more pressure. What you do will depend on what feels good that day and, if orgasm is a place you want to potentially get to, what you learn over time gets you there.

I will say, it's much more typical for people to learn how to reach orgasm on their own first, with masturbation, than it is with a partner. It's not impossible with a partner, but way more people usually learn alone, probably due to a combo of both feeling less self-conscious, being able to focus 100% on their own pleasure, and not having to instruct someone else. So, you might also find that more experimenting by yourself answers these questions for you better.

I do want to add that dry humping is a form of sex if it's a way you're expressing your sexual feelings and wants. What sex is isn't just intercourse (and it's actually not common for people with a vagina to orgasm only from intercourse, so it's not like having intercourse would likely solve for this for you, anyway): what sex is is anything and everything anyone does to express or explore their sexual feelings or desires. I say that so you can just know that you get to explore whatever it is that you want and feel ready for, and, if with a partner, that they also want and feel ready for, without getting caught up on what is or isn't considered sex. <3. Make sense?