i need help with relationships

[hades375]

i really want to find someone to have a relationship with but everyone i meet thinks i fat and ugly. what should i do

[Sam W]

Hi hades375,

I'm sorry your past attempts at relationships have left you feeling that way. Hopefully we can find some ways to help you be in relationships that make you feel good about yourself.

Can you tell me a little more about how you usually try to meet potential romantic partners? And what's your social life like in general? Do you have friends you connect with or hobbies you enjoy?

[hades375]

i have very little contact with people unfortunatly. parents are rather strict about that. but i am more concerned because people look at me only because i am kind of ugly but i don't know how to get people to see past that

[Sam W]

Can I ask where that sense that you're ugly is coming from? Is it from things people have said to you, or is it more coming from your own brain?

One approach I'm going to recommend is to find some ways to interact with other people, both because that can bring you into the orbit of potential partners, but also because having even one or two friendships can be beneficial for us overall. Does your parents' strictness around meeting people have to do with anything specific? Are you able to go places or do things online without them monitoring it?

[hades375]

people have told me i am ugly

parents strictness comes from there own religous stand point and yes they moniter everything i do

[Sam W]

Yeesh, I'm so sorry people went out of their way to be cruel to you. Something I think might help, before you start thinking about ways to get into dating, is to take some time to build a little confidence around how you look or practice not echoing those negative messages about your appearance in your own head. We have some resources to start you out with that, would you like to see them?

Are there any activities they approve of (sports, certain hobbies, volunteering at a community space) that you'd also be interested in trying? And, when school starts being in-person again, are their opportunities to get involved in activities there?

[hades375]

thank you for letting me know about that i diden't know lol

[Sam W]

You're welcome! Any thoughts on those other questions I asked?

[hades375]

yes i play football and i don't think i am ugly i just think i am big because i am a lineman

i don't think the confidence is the problem

(so embarresing lol) i just don't know how to talk to women lol i tense up when i am around them lol

[Mo]

One thing that can be helpful, when talking to women or anyone else you feel tense around, is to come at the conversation from some sort of shared experience or interest. If you're meeting someone through a class, event, shared hobby, etc. that can be a topic to talk about in order to get a conversation started.

Starting a conversation doesn't need to be any more complicated than asking how someone's doing or asking them to talk about something they're interested in. That doesn't mean it won't feel awkward or scary, sometimes, but keeping things simple may cut down on the stress that you feel.

These advice columns might have some helpful thoughts as well: I Just Want a Relationship and How Do I Let Go Of Feeling Sexually Unattractive?