Secret Relationships & Lesbianism

[KittyKatKitty]

I've been having this very weird but amazing experience for the past few months. To everyone in real life, I'm a straight girl and boys tend to be interested in me a lot and I've kissed lots of boys and had some sexual encounters with boys.

However, I've always known I'm not straight since I was about twelve years old. I've never had any romantic relationship with a girl, though, since I'm clearly not out of the closet and terrified of stepping out of it. I've obviously had an ongoing homoerotic friendship, but that's unimportant right now.

Anyway, there's this one girl... she's rocked my whole world. And I'm not even exaggerating. We met through social media and we don't know each other in real life, but she DM'd me back in December. I swear, I've never clicked with anyone so instantaneously, it was like I finally understood everything my friends had been talking about all these years. I finally understood what it was like to be wanting to text someone all the time and giggle and blush at every single message. Ever since she first messaged me, we've spoken every single day at every single minute of the day. We've called, I've seen her face, she's seen mine, I've seen her in her underwear, I've consoled her, I've been mad at her, I've flirted with her. God. Every single time I'm with other people, I'm always checking to see if I have any notifications from her or not and if she takes time to reply or is inactive or dry one day, my whole mood sours for the entire day. I've come to the conclusion I'm hopelessly in love with this girl and that's terrifying.

This girl and I have developed an "online friend group" (this sounds so immature and like I'm a twelve year old playing Roblox with some friends, but I swear this is much more) and we're... fake dating. I don't even know how it started exactly, but everyone thinks we're dating and we don't deny it. She tags me in romantic and sexual stuff and calls me her girlfriend and I call her my girlfriend. But we aren't. And we both know that. But, at times, it feels like we are. I always get sickly jealous whenever she so much as speaks to another girl and I hate this side of me but I swear I feel like I'm going mad. I'm not the crazy overprotective jealous type since I don't really show her how jealous and possessive I am over her, but it's still there. It's just weird. It's like we aren't actually dating but we also are. I know she likes me in more than a friend way and obviously I do as well, but it's like we can't cross that line. I don't know.

I'm terrified because, what am I doing? This girl has become one of the most important people in my life and I haven't told a soul about her? I hate it, it's eating me alive. Every single time my friends talk about being in a relationship or wanting to be loved, all I want to do is just tell them my secret and yell "YES, I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE! I LOVE AND I AM LOVED AND MY HEART SKIPS A BEAT EVERY TIME I EVEN THINK ABOUT THIS GIRL OR ANY TIME I GET A NOTIFICATION!" but I can't. Every time my friends ask me about my love life I just have to tell them about a guy I met and blah blah blah but the truth is I genuinely get nauseous whenever I look back on any romantic/physical interaction with a guy. I've also always been drunk when being with a guy and I always picture this girl instead. Or just a girl. But I feel very attracted to many male characters/celebrities so I don't think I'm a lesbian??? I don't know.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I don't want to keep living this double life but I also can't come out.

I don't even know what the point of this post is but I guess I just wanted to get everything off my chest and stop feeling like a crazy person. I just wish this girl were a boy. It would all be easier.

Okay, that's it. If anyone can help me figure out SOMETHING, replies are highly appreciated. Maybe help me with what I have to do? Or just personal experience? Should I stop talking to this girl? Should I just tell someone? I feel like everything is consuming me whole.

Thanks,

Kitty.

[char]

Hi Kitty! Thanks for the wait, and sorry we haven't gotten to this post of yours yet. I'm happy to hear that you've found someone that makes your life more vibrant than before, even if you've never met them in person. Truly proves that connections don't need geographical proximity for it to be impactful, don't you think?

It sounds like you've recognized how much you feel for her, but you have a lot of hesitation with facing her. What do you think are your biggest hurdles in addressing this with her? I also wonder how you'd describe your friends' attitudes towards queer people. Have they said or done anything that made you uncomfortable in regards to other queer people?