What can I expect my first time being fingered?

[Hel]

So my boyfriend and I have started to talk about sex and be more sexual around each other. It's been really great so far - the conversations about sex, touching nipples, etc.

He asked if he could finger/masturbate me too, and I said I wasn't ready for that tonight, since it was a lot to process. However, I do want him to do it in the near future, so we agreed to do it later this week.

I'm actually looking forward to it a lot. I just have a lot of questions about what to expect. He and I are both virgins and we've never touched each other's genitals before.

Will it hurt a lot if he puts his fingers inside my vagina? (I masturbate a lot but I've only managed to go inside myself a few times and it's been uncomfortable. I'm hoping with him it will feel good though because I'll be more aroused. Is this a realistic expectation?) Also, will this mean I'm not a virgin anymore, if we finger/masturbate each other?

I'm nervous because I've never done this type of thing before but I'm really excited as well because I really trust my boyfriend and we have really good, open communication. I want this to be a really good experience and I just would like some tips on how to accomplish that. Thanks!

[Sam W]

Hi Hel,

In terms of comfort and pleasure during manual sex (fingering), there are a few things you can do. One is to make sure you're using lube, since that decreases the chances of discomfort, and to make sure you're aroused and relaxed before he tries inserting his fingers. Another is to be really active in communicating with each other; that means him checking in with you about how things feel, and you letting him know if something is uncomfortable (or if it feels good). Does that make sense?

The question of virginity is a little trickier. Virginity isn't a concrete, physical state, it's actually an idea, one that different people define in majorly different ways. Heather does a really good job of explaining why that is here: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... l_a_virgin.

[Hel]

Yes that definitely makes sense. Communication definitely is key. Is it okay if we don’t use lube? Like, if I’m aroused and wet would it still be okay? Since it’s our first time doing something like this, I’m not sure how far we’ll go - if he’ll just touch me or actually insert his fingers. Depends on the mood I guess.

I’ll read up on the article. Thanks for the tips!

[Sam W]

You're welcome, I'm hope they help!

I always encourage folks to keep lube handy, even if they're not sure they'll need it. Sometimes the body produces enough lubricant for things to feel good, other times you can be really turned on and still need an little extra lube. Too, even if he sticks to external touches, lube can help prevent discomfort in those areas too (think about someone rubbing your skin with lotion versus without; the lotion cuts down on unpleasant friction).

[Hel]

Okay, I’ll talk to him about lube. I’m sure we can get it at the local pharmacy.

I also wanted to ask: how can we make sure I’m extra aroused and wet? I know he and I have just started being this sexual with each other so maybe that’s why I’m nervous about trying to get aroused - I’ve been aroused with him, but just not at times when we’re intentionally trying to be sexual. I want to be wet and I don’t know if that will come from making out or dirty talk or what.

[Mo]

What's going to make you the most aroused is really only something you can figure out through experimentation and experience, the same way you'd figure out what feels best during any kind of sex. Are there things you already like to do together that turn you on a lot? Anything you're really excited to try? I will say that worrying a lot about arousal can actually make feeling relaxed and aroused more difficult, so that's something to keep in mind.

[Hel]

I’ll definitely talk to him and come up with some things he and I are both willing to try. Are there any tips for being relaxed?

[Heather]

Hey, Hel. That's often pretty individual, and depends a lot on what you find helps you to relax in general, and then sexually, and with this particular partner.

Since you masturbate, you already have some information from that and what you do to relax on your own that you can bring to this: what do you do to set the stage for yourself, as it were? How do you chill out in your body and mind before and during masturbation?

You might also think about what you want and need from your partner to feel comfortable with all of this, and talk about that together. That could be around body image -- like how much looking or not looking you are okay with, and what you need around that -- it could be about what you want from communication and consenting -- would you like him to ask you about what he's going to do in a very step-by-step way or more generally? What else do you want from communication? -- it could be about things like what you do first: maybe you want to do something first like take a bath together, or cuddle.

[Hel]

Okay, I’ll definitely think about what turns me on and relaxes me, and I’ll talk to my boyfriend about it beforehand - and during obviously. Hopefully it will be a fun experience. Thanks for the advice!

[Hel]

Update: So he and I were out tonight, and he asked if I wanted to try the whole fingering thing. It was exciting when he unzipped my jacket and touched my thighs and stuff. He (with my consent, of course) tried the whole rubbing my vagina through my underwear. Thing is, we were outside and it was really, really cold. The cold did not turn me on - it did the opposite. And I didn’t feel aroused enough so I didn’t want him to touch me without my underwear because the setting wasn’t right. There’s a time and place for everything, and I guess tonight wasn’t it.

I really want to get aroused! We have the chance to be inside next weekend, so we’re planning on trying again then. I’m hoping that since it will be warmer (and we’ll have more time to be together) I’ll be able to get more aroused and wet. I was a bit disappointed because I wasn’t horny enough to really feel anything when he was touching me down there. How can I be more turned on?

Also, he asked me if I wanted to touch his penis and I wasn’t sure - I told him I hadn’t given it much thought. We decided to wait on that as well so we could both be more aroused - hopefully that will make the experience better. Any tips on how I should touch him? I’ll ask him too, obviously, but I don’t have experience with this so I wondered if there were general tips to make it enjoyable for both of us.

Though it was a (mostly) unsuccessful attempt at fingering, I’m still glad he and I are going to try again until we get it right, and that we can talk openly about sex and sexual stuff.

[Hel]

Update: So he and I were out tonight, and he asked if I wanted to try the whole fingering thing. It was exciting when he unzipped my jacket and touched my thighs and stuff. He (with my consent, of course) tried the whole rubbing my vagina through my underwear. Thing is, we were outside and it was really, really cold. The cold did not turn me on - it did the opposite. And I didn’t feel aroused enough so I didn’t want him to touch me without my underwear because the setting wasn’t right. There’s a time and place for everything, and I guess tonight wasn’t it.

I really want to get aroused! We have the chance to be inside next weekend, so we’re planning on trying again then. I’m hoping that since it will be warmer (and we’ll have more time to be together) I’ll be able to get more aroused and wet. I was a bit disappointed because I wasn’t horny enough to really feel anything when he was touching me down there. How can I be more turned on?

Also, he asked me if I wanted to touch his penis and I wasn’t sure - I told him I hadn’t given it much thought. We decided to wait on that as well so we could both be more aroused - hopefully that will make the experience better. Any tips on how I should touch him? I’ll ask him too, obviously, but I don’t have experience with this so I wondered if there were general tips to make it enjoyable for both of us.

Though it was a (mostly) unsuccessful attempt at fingering, I’m still glad he and I are going to try again until we get it right, and that we can talk openly about sex and sexual stuff.

*Sorry I accidentally made this a quote. (I’m not very tech savvy and I don’t know how to reverse it on my phone.) But if someone could answer some questions I had about being more horny/touching my bf that would be appreciated!*

[Heather]

It's okay.

No one can tell you how to touch a body that isn't there's ultimately. We learn how to touch someone else in ways that we and they like by both communicating and experimenting with them.

When this is actually something you want to do, do you two have the privacy and environment to be able to just explore each other and experiment? You talked about being out in the cold this last time, which is why I'm asking. Not having any real space or time to really communicate and explore is usually a setup for not-great-times for everybody.

[Hel]

Yes, we’re really excited because we’ll be able to be in my house - lots of warmth, blankets, and rooms there! I think both he and I are looking forward to trying out more fingering/touching each other, as well as just cuddling and hanging out.

The cold really turns me off, if that’s an expression, so I’m hopeful that by being inside we’ll have the chance to be really intimate.

[Heather]

You know, it literally is harder for your body to be responsive in the cold, because cold doesn't play nice with blood circulation! So in a way, it might not turn everyone off, but it certainly keeps everyone from being fully turned on!

I'm glad you'll have that space and time. So, the next thing is just to know to lead with your own curiosity and what feels good for you and then questions and other kinds of communication to find out what feels good for him! Learning what feels good for each other really is supposed to be fun -- it's an adventure, you know? It can help to think of it that way rather than as being like a test you have to pass. <3