Feeling needy

[Hel]

I feel like I've been really needy in my current relationship, especially this week. I've been having this disconnect from reality, and been feeling upset about my ex and stuff, so I haven't had the best mindset this past week.

I feel like I'm constantly asking my boyfriend out, wanting to make out with him, and generally being too needy - I demand his time a lot. Obviously it's not my intention to be suffocating... I haven't seen him in person for a long time so that could be part of it too.

We love each other very much and our relationship is a really good one! We're going at a good pace, trying new things, and we really enjoy one another's company. So how can I stop being so needy??? I'm a really confident person and I feel like I've been losing confidence and feeling more insecure. Like, I don't want to sabotage the relationship, because it's so good and healthy and wholesome. Can someone please tell me how I can change my behavior? I love hanging out with my bf, but I know too much time together can also be a negative. Should I hold off on asking him on out dates/texting first, etc? What else can I do to be less needy in general?

[al]

Hey Hel,

I'm glad that you're here and talking about these feelings! I wanted to ask - has your boyfriend given you feedback about being "needy", or is this just based on your own judgement? The reason that I ask is that how frequently/how you communicate in your relationship should hopefully be a mutual thing based on both of your wants and needs.
If he hasn't said anything like that, it might be time to do some thinking about where these insecurities come from. Has someone else (your ex? another friend? a family member?) said that about you or your relationship? Or, if it hasn't been said directly, have you gotten the sense from somewhere else that it's a bad thing to reach out or check in frequently with your partners? I ask that partially because we often see gendered differences around communication expectations - men have been traditionally talked about as being stoic and unable to talk about "feelings", whereas women are portrayed as emotional, "needy", demanding, and "crazy". I'm wondering if these stereotypes are something that you've come across or identify with.
If your boyfriend has given you that feedback before, how do you feel about it? What was that conversation like? You mentioned that you've been having a kind of tough week - have you mentioned to him how you've been feeling, and the reasons why you've been reaching out more often?
Below are a few good reads about relationships and communication in case they help:
-Hello, Sailor: How to Build, Board, and Navigate a Healthy Relationship
- Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?

[Hel]

Hi, this is a long reply:

I've talked to my boyfriend about my feelings this week, today actually. I was upset about how my ex-boyfriend treated me in the past (my ex was manipulative, and he made me feel like I couldn't share my feelings - luckily I feel like my current boyfriend and I have really good, open communication). I talked to my boyfriend and it was helpful talking to him today - he's really supportive and understanding about the whole toxic ex stuff. My boyfriend has said he's totally okay that I'm needy - in the sense that I constantly want to hang out with him and stuff like that - but has said, gently, that he might not always be able to keep up with it. Like, he loves me, but for example, he might be tired (because he gets really tired and needs his beauty sleep) and not want to go out one night.

I think I'm not a needy person though, and my boyfriend agrees. It's just that sometimes I go in stages of neediness. For example, my boyfriend and I were long-distancing due to covid, and now we can see each other in person, so I want to be with him as much as possible. I believe that a lot of my insecurities are mainly from my ex, who didn't give me the attention I needed. He ghosted me, actually, and cut off all contact out of the blue, after he broke up with me, and it was a horrible experience for me. But still, I hate feeling like I need to be with my current boyfriend all the time - I'm a confident, independent person. I also have limited experience in relationships, so that could be part of it as well. And I tend to overanalyze things in general, since I have a more logic-based personality. Also my boyfriend and I recently started trying out some more sexual sexual stuff - fingering, etc. - so I might be more insecure about that as well, since it's new to me. I feel like it's a bunch of stuff that I'm processing right now which is contributing to this 'neediness'.

I think our relationship is good and healthy, and I just want to make sure that I am not putting my boyfriend on a pedestal - that I am in control of my emotions and confident with the relationship, like he is. I'll check out the articles.

In short, I think because I'm seeing my boyfriend for the first time in months, processing the new sexual stuff, and having a tough week, it's all making me feel insecure. However, I do know that I tend to reach out the most and ask him out constantly, and I want to cut back on that so he has some breathing room and a chance to ask me out first.

[Sam W]

Hi Hel,

Thanks for all that added detail! One thing I want to highlight is that you two are finally able to see each other again after quite awhile apart. Honestly, in a situation like that, plenty of people would find themselves eager to see their partner as much as possible. So, it might help to reframe this as less about being "needy" and more about being excited.

That being said, just as it's okay to want to spend a lot of time around a partner, it's okay for a partner (or you) to set boundaries around how available you can be. It sounds like the two of you are actively communicating about that, which is a really good sign!

Do you feel like you have tools to manage those moments of insecurity, or do you feel like the only option is to seek reassurance? Too, when feel what you describe as "neediness" is it a need for a general kind of contact or connection, or specifically for contact or communication with him?

[Hel]

I think a lot of it is because we haven’t seen each other in a while. And I feel like we do have really good communication, which is something that I’m really grateful for.

When I feel needy, a lot of it is just me craving his company, but most is the physical contact. Not even sexual - I just want him to hold me in his arms.

I have a lot of hobbies, passions, and outlets, but I struggle when it comes to wanting physical contact. Like, playing an instrument or writing (my main hobbies) won’t satisfy the need for being cuddled. Are there other things I could do? I’ve been trying to focus more on myself and being more confident and I think it’s going well.

[Heather]

I really am feeling like what you're describing as "needy" -- generally a pejorative concept and term -- is just you wanting to be touched. Skin hunger is a normal, human thing, most people have it, and during the pandemic, many of us have it even more than usual, because we've lost so much of even the small, casual touch we used to get in daily life.

It's also not needy to want to be touched by someone with whom you have a physical relationship.

Can you just let yourself have those feelings of craving when you have them, satisfying them when you're able to, and when you're not, just feeling them and letting them be, rather than trying to "solve" them in some way? Do you know what I mean? Not every thing we want has to have an answer. Sometimes we just want things we can't have, overall, or in the moment, and that's okay. We don't have to stop that wanting: it will generally pass or fade into the background so we can continue with the rest of our lives.

[Hel]

Okay, yes that makes sense. Thanks for the advice!

[Heather]

Happy to help.