Feeling “romantic” after sex?

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

Is that common among people that don’t love each other romantically?

[Heather]

You know, it's hard to answer a question like this because what "romantic" even is is very nebulous and pretty typically very arbitrary. For example, I come from a place of understanding romanticism historically, starting with the troubadours, which positions romanticism as a blend of eroticism and passionate love. Sometimes that's what some people mean when they talk about it, but more modernly, some people separate eroticism and sex from romanticism entirely, so they obviously mean something very different than my understanding of it. You'd have to say a little more about what yours is for any of us to speak to this.

Want to fill me in on what romantic means for you?

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

Honestly I don’t really know. I don’t really have real words to describe. I feel really like emotionally close and “lovey dovey” I guess but I can’t tell if it’s love or just lust

[char]

Hi gnarp_gnarp_2,

Chiming in to second Heather that "romantic" will definitely look different from one person to another. But my understanding is that if we have sex with someone who we're comfortable with, who allows us to be ourselves, and doesn't judge us, we'll probably feel happy around them and be grateful for their existence. To me, this feeling isn't necessarily romantic--we can feel safe around our friends, after all--but it can definitely be seen that way. Does that make sense?

[Heather]

Backing up char on this one: it sounds to me like you are describing feeling affectionate. Sexual intimacy when we engage in it in a way where we are vulnerable and open together is just that -- intimacy. And if and when we experience intimacy with another person, whatever the kind, it's common for us to feel closer to them.

I think one of the tricky things about "romance" as a framework, and about putting sex and romance in two different boxes is that it forgets that "romance" isn't the only arena where we can or do have feelings when it comes to sex. Even if and when, for instance, we have sex with say, someone who is a friend, not a romantic partner, we can still love them, feel emotionally close to them, feel protective of them, affectionate...a whole range of feelings. Make sense?