How do I know if I’m close to an orgasm?

[Hel]

So my boyfriend and I tried some new stuff. He fingered me and I gave him a hand job. It was actually all a good experience, which made me happy.

The fingering felt good at first, then it was uncomfortable and I told him to stop, which he did right away. But after a few minutes I was ready to try again and it ended up feeling much better. Is it normally supposed to be both painful and pleasurable at the same time? Because for me it was painful but in a good way if that makes sense, and I wanted to know if that’s usually how it feels. I’m guessing that the next time will be less uncomfortable because it will no longer be a completely new experience.

I bled a tiny bit afterwards and I wanted to ask why that is - I know it’s fairly normal but I wanted to know the reasons of why it happens after manual sex.

I also wanted to ask how I can know if I’m close to coming. I feel like I was close when he fingered me after we took a break but I wasn’t sure. It didn’t feel like the spasms I’ve had when masturbating. I’m really clueless because obviously orgasms are different for everyone, and I can’t seem to find an article that explains exactly how it feels.

Also, what do I call myself now? Still a virgin? Not a virgin? I think virginity is a word that’s a little outdated. But like if someone asks what do I say? I mean, I did just have penetrative manual sex so like... I’m not a virgin in the sense that I’m innocent anymore, am I?

Thanks!

[Heather]

Virginity is a social construct. What it means is wholly subjective, so if it’s a construct you choose to use, it truly is up to you what it means. People have been making this particular thing up based on what they want from the beginning. “Innocence” as something that is about how sexual people have or haven’t been is also a very specific cultural framework. Personally, I’m not here for it. But again, if you are, these are your calls to make; your definitions to decide.

Bleeding from manual sex when it happens is most often about abrasions from fingernails or callouses, lack of adequate lubrication, or folks just being too rough, hasty or aggressive. Sometimes fissures can happen from overly stretched tissue around the vaginal opening too, which is especially likely when there isn’t enough lube used, the person with the vagina is tense, or their partner is too rough or hasty.

Figuring out when you’re close is something we all have to do for ourselves. It’s something that we learn how it feels for us over time, basically. It’s most common to get more sensitive right before, but it doesn’t always happen that way!

Same really goes with asking how anything “usually” feels for everyone. There just aren’t universals here, these are very unique experiences. That said, the sensations of pain and pleasure exist on a continuum and can have some overlap sometime, for sure.

I’m glad you had a good experience!

[Hel]

Okay, thank you!