I don't really get crushes anymore?

[Skylar7593]

So basically, I used to get crushes and stuff, but now I kinda never do. If I do they last no longer than a few minutes. I think I may be aromantic, but I really hope I'm not because the idea of being in a relationship sounds really nice and also I don't know how then to explain my previous crushes.

What's happening and can I change it?

[Sam W]

Hi Skylar7593,

Given that you've had crushes in the past and that you want to have romantic relationships in the future, I suspect this may be less an indication of you being aromantic and more an indicator that there just hasn't been anyone "crush worthy" in your life lately. Even for people who experience romantic attraction, there can be times when they're not actively attracted to anyone. Does that make sense?

[Lu C]

Hi Skylar7593!

I fully agree with Sam.

You should take into account that our sexuality can vary throughout our lives, therefore you might once again feel crushes the way you used to, or in a different way that you experience them now. Just because certain things are not happening at the moment or haven't happened yet, it doesn't mean that they have stopped happening for good or that they never will.

At the moment we can be somewhat limited as to the amount of people we meet because of the global circumstances we are in. I can see that you are 15, so as a teenager in a pandemic, feeling weird or unusual is the most common thing! There is nothing wrong with you "happening" and you are not alone.

If the idea of being in a romantic relationship sounds good to you and like something you would want to be in at some point, then you most likely are not aromantic (although you could be), you could be asexual.. or something else! There is a chance that not feeling very sexual comes from just not being there yet. You would hardly be the first person ever your age to not feel like enacting certain parts of your sexuality. That is why I would encourage you to take some time, allow yourself to feel however you feel and listen to that, rather that trying to explain why you felt a certain way before.

I want you to bear in mind that what I am telling you are just things that I think are important for you to consider. However, you are the only one who can asess these feelings and determine what rings true with you. Remember that these terms exist to help us affirm our identities. They do not work as medical diagnosis. You don't necessarily have to pick a label but you can if you feel comfortable and seen within one of them.

[Skylar7593]

Thank you! That helps a lot!

[Melamyl]

I seemingly float in and out of asexuality, demisexuality, and heterosexuality while permanently remaining demiromantic. While I don't experience love as an emotion or develop crushes, I find my sexuality to change from nil to one where I only desire lustful actions with those closest to me and finally to the mindset of pure lust for most/all women. It's disgusting, especially how the idea of intimacy repulses me to the greatest extremes.

Romantically, I am demi (As previously stated). More specifically, hetero-demiromantic. I would gladly do anything romantically set, yet can't bring myself to more than that. Maybe I'm too awkward or socially withdrawn too, but all I know is my body stops me.

[Urna]

@Melamyl It might help to not think about sexuality markers (like demisexual, asexual, demiromantic, etc.) as realms that are distinct from one another, but rather as a spectrum! These identities aren't set in stone, and applying a marker to yourself and your experiences is only a good thing when it feels good to you, like when it brings relief, ends confusion, helps you find community, and so on. It isn't mandatory to name your sexuality, especially not when (as you've mentioned) your sexual desires vary from time to time and from situation to situation (and that's nothing to be disgusted by or worried about, sexuality is very fluid for most of us!). In case you want to flesh out your sexuality concretely without looking into labels, this checklist we've made might help: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... _stocklist

Also, I noticed you're using the word "lust" to describe your sexual thoughts and desires, and that word is connected to like, ideas of sin and impurity and wrongness, right? I think it might help to think about why you associate sexual desire with such ideas--this is a reflection of purity culture (check this article out: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/qa/w ... ationships) and it may be adding to your negative feelings surrounding your sexuality. It's valid to be sex-repulsed, but sex-repulsion doesn't have to involve those associations. I think challenging this aspect of your thought might help with the distress you experience when you have sexual thoughts and feelings (which, remember, don't necessarily "cancel" your place on the ace spectrum!). Here's a handy guide to asexuality: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/rela ... ity_primer.

[Melamyl]

Hi, boosterseat. Thank you for your feedback. Also, another thing that runs in my mind is that could we both be A or Demi? After all, we seem to develop strong bonds with other individuals we grow very close to. That is the defining trait between A and Demi. But then again, could it be that we are A and occasionally flitter between? Thus poising the question of orientation fluidity and such.

[Urna]

Hey Melamyl, sorry I'm responding so late. You're welcome for the feedback! And yeah, since sexual orientations are fluid and self-chosen, there's really nothing definitive I can say about your thought that you and Skylar could be asexual or demi, because it's up to you to decide individually (or not, whatever you want!). Feel free to use whichever marker works for you in the moment, I'd say! That's the fun part about sexualities!