First breakup, and don’t know how to deal

[Susan]

Hio,
So I’d been dating this really amazing guy for 6 months, and honestly I think I love him. He just broke up with me a few days ago because he told me he was into some drugs and said I deserved better than a drug addict, though he was neither an addict nor did I want ‘better’. These past few days, I’ve felt really empty, because this was the day after we kinda went to ‘second base’, and idk it feels really horrible of him to just tell me ‘I deserve better’ went, really, that’s my choice. The drugs don’t bother me, and I told him that, but he didn’t seem to listen.

Anyway, my quandary is that this was my first real breakup and I don’t know how to move on. There were a few things he said when he did it that didn’t make any sense, and those inconsistencies have been eating away at me. It feels like I have no closure or anything to help me let go. I feel kinda empty and sad.

So, any suggestions for how to let go? Because I don’t want to feel sad anymore, but idk what to do.

[Emily N]

Hi Susan,

I’m sorry to hear about your breakup. Breakups are often difficult/painful, and while there may be things that make us feel better or help to support us during a breakup, there isn’t a “cure” to feeling sad (except maybe time). Instead, it may help to process the breakup by recognizing and “being with” your feelings (as long as they feel safe).

This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t seek support or comfort in friends, music, etc. Have you found anything that helps you feel comfort or joy?

It sounds like you did a good job clarifying your comfort level with drug use and reassuring him you do not want “better”. But I agree, it is not kind or genuine to break up with someone by essentially saying “you should want to break up with me so I’ll break up with you instead”. While the truth is we don’t need a “good reason” to break up with people if it doesn’t feel right to us anymore, I can see how the reason he gave to end your relationship can lead to feelings of confusion and lack of closure. Recognizing that it may not be possible to get closure from him directly, are there other things you can do for yourself that would help you feel closure, such as journaling or talking to someone you trust?

This article gives more details on the process of getting through a breakup, and gives some tips about “getting through a breakup without breaking” at the end: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/etc/ ... y_breaking

Some of my favorites from this list are expressing yourself and feelings through a creative outlet, reclaiming things that bring you joy but you had less time to pursue during your relationship, and remembering that breakups often have less to do with you and that breaking up does not equal failure. Feel free to look through and see if any feel right to you!

[Susan]

Hey Emily,

Thanks for the reply! Sometimes I think my problem is that I'm with my feeling TOO much, I haven't slept much (at all really) because I end up thinking about him, the breakup, everything like that, and it's getting exhausting. I have been able to talk with my friend, they're really great with just letting me rant when I need to, but also just provide some distraction sometimes. But that doesn't last all day, you know? And normally music helps, but everything I listen to has become very depressing for me, since it's all about breaking up, how you're the one for me, or really anything I really don't wanna hear right now.

Thanks for the article, it's helpful! I appreciate you taking the time to answer, you and the Scarleteen staff in general are amazing!

[Emily N]

I’m glad the article was helpful! If your feelings are affecting your sleep and health, then I agree that they have entered “I have felt these feelings and now they are too much” territory. It is definitely exhausting to ruminate on or constantly re-process, and while feeling very sad is a normal part of a breakup, it shouldn’t affect your health. Do you think it would be helpful to see a therapist, or do you have access to other mental health resources?

I’m happy to hear that your friend has been a good source of support for you, that’s amazing! But it’s true that it doesn’t last all day so it’s good to build some coping mechanisms when you are alone. When you start to find yourself thinking about your ex, do you think it would be helpful to direct your thoughts to (or write notes of) kind things your friend has shared about you?

Yeah, while listening to sad music can be a source of comfort for some people, there’s no rule that says you have to listen or watch only sad things! Do you have any confidence-boosting songs?

[Susan]

So, I was going to see a therapist, and I really clicked with her, it was great, but between my two parents, we only get $500 worth of mental health resources, which would be like four and a half sessions. My parents told me to save up the sessions so I have them when I need them. Unfortunately, my parents don't and can't know about my ex because they disapprove of dating at 13. Therefore, I can't tell them that I'm going to break down pretty soon. If you have any mental health resources that you recommend, I'd love if you could send me some suggestions, because I think it'd be really good for me right now.
What I was trying to say with the music thing, is that the music I enjoy has a pretty love-and/or-breakup-centered theme, and it feels like anything and everything draws my attention to him. It freaking sucks, and I do try to direct my thoughts elsewhere (like things my friend has shared about me) but it ends up being pretty hard. When I do succeed, something else draws my attention, and it's just a vicious cycle at this point.

[Sam W]

Hi Susan,

That sounds like a tough situation to be in, both around mental health access and being able to talk with your parents about what's going on. In terms of mental health resources you might be able to access, we have a good starter list of them here: Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources. How about checking out a few of those over the next couple of days?

Y'know, it's not all that strange to feel like your mind keeps going back to the breakup or relationship with your ex; when a breakup is fresh, the feelings from it can be pretty dang hard to ignore. One thing that can help is to give yourself things to focus on that are engaging and make you feel good. So, I want to hone in on something Emily mentioned in her first response: finding places to put the time and energy that previously went into the relationship (and, I imagine, keeping it hidden from your parents). That could mean focusing on fostering positive relationships with friends, family, or even with yourself. Or it could mean starting a new hobby or project, or picking up an old one that you know you enjoy. Does any of that sound doable?

Too, are you likely to run into your ex again, like at school (or in remote classes)? Sometimes it can help to prepare yourself for moments when you might be in incidental contact with him so they don't knock you off balance.

[Susan]

Hi Sam,
I took a look at the article, and I'll be sure to check some of the things out, so thanks for that!
Because I'm stuck at home, I'm having a hard time keeping myself busy with a hobby, I just dunno what to do. I'm working online, so I have a few hours filled with that, but again, I'm super bored afterwards. I have been spending more time with my friends, they're great, so again, that fills time. But I'm kinda lost in between, I feel bored CONSTANTLY. Before, during those in between times, I would talk or text him my ex, but now thats gone, and I don't know what to do with myself.
I am very likely to see him every day. Right now, we have a spring break, but later on, we have classes together and our teacher loves partner work, so it might even be closer. Last week, I almost broke down every time he said something in class, so I'm kinda worried about next week, but I suppose we'll see.

[Sam W]

Being at home can certainly limit your options for activities, but I think there may still be some ways that you can direct your energy that will help you feel better. For starters, before you were dating your ex, how did you fill those gaps in time? And, if you could snap your fingers, what kinds of hobbies or activities would you like to do? Are there books, or movies, or T.V shows you're curious about?

Since seeing (or at least hearing) him in class is still rough on you, are you able to set aside some time after class to take care of yourself or decompress in some way? If you need some help coming up with those, these two articles are great starting places: How To Actually Date Yourself, Self-Care a La Carte.