Sexually (really , really) frustrated

[Hel]

So I’ve been dating my boyfriend for nine months now, and our relationship is great. We have been focusing on spending quality time together more, instead of sexual things. And for a while that was great. (Clarification: it is still great in our relationship but not in the, um, sex department)

It’s been a month since we tried oral/manual sex. We’ve only done that like three times (and one unsuccessful time), and the most recent time was a bit... traumatizing. I thought I wanted sexy stuff but I guess I was feeling overwhelmed and ended up using my bf as stress relief. I felt bad after.

Additionally, my bf is naturally an indecisive person - he gets horny sometimes but not as much as me, and I think he’s nervous to try again.

I really want him to finger me! I’m tired of masturbating and I don’t want someone else to do me because I want to be monogamous with my bf right now. I need him to finger me because I’m so damn thirsty.

I asked him about it today and he was on the fence about it. First he was saying he wanted quality time instead and I misunderstood and thought he meant no sex at all. But then he clarified and said he wants us both to think about it for a week before we do anything. But I’ve been thinking about it for a whole month or longer!!!! Argh I want to scream.

I know it’s just a week but I don’t want to masturbate - I want him to finger me. I can’t get any sex toys either and I’m in a goddamn boarding school so I have to be quiet when I fuck myself.

I guess I’ll wait a week but... I really wanted it tonight or tomorrow. I told him this but he seemed really hesitant and wants to wait a week. I feel like crying. I know he loves me and I want to spend quality time with him to. But I also want the sex stuff. I was patient - I waited a whole month. And I haven’t asked to suck his dick or for anything else - I just want to be fingered and talked to in a dirty way. I don’t want to force him but I want him! Not anyone else right now - him! Why couldn’t he just have said yes for tonight?

[Sam W]

Hi Hel,

As counter intuitive as it might feel right now, it might help to think of him setting that week waiting period as a positive thing. Both because we want our partners to feel safe and able to set those kinds of boundaries with us but also because, since this is something you really hope you two will get to do, you want it to be in a context where you're both raring to go.

All that being said, it's okay to feel sexually frustrated; sometimes our desires are really intense and persistent, but it's not feasible for us to release them in the way we want to. Learning how to navigate those stretches can be really helpful. One thing that might also help is to ask yourself what about this scenario doesn't feel like something you can replicate yourself. Is it your boyfriend talking to you or touching you? The feeling of being with another person? Something else?

[Hel]

That’s a good point - having a week to think about it is probably a really good thing. I was definitely feeling horny earlier but not as much today, which shows how much my sex drive fluctuates. Having time to think will probably give me clarity.

I think the part that I can’t replicate by myself really is just being with another person. The feelings I get when I masturbate are really good, just in a different way. When I’m with my boyfriend there’s something really sexy about hearing him talk to me while we do a sexual act, and the way he matches his pace to mine and gives me compliments makes me very happy too. Knowing that he’s right there for me just makes the whole experience more exciting.

[Heather]

I do agree with Sam that it actually sounds like given the headspace you were in, it actually might not have been so great to be with a partner in that space? It just sounds like you would have been having a very difficult time really making space for that other person as another person rather than as someone who you wanted things from. As hard as it is, sometimes even when a partner *is* available at times like that, we actually may want to consider declining on partnersex at those times because when it gets to the point where there is (what sounds like) resentment and anger and entitlement mixed into desire it can be really difficult to create a healthy dynamic. <3

[Hel]

Yeah looking back on it now I was in a negative headspace then, and I’m pretty overwhelmed with other things in my life. I told my boyfriend I was glad he wanted to wait because I realized I needed it. Guess he really is intuitive and knows what is good for both of us <3. So happy we’re waiting because I need to clear my mind first.

[Mo]

I'm glad you were able to talk about that with your boyfriend and realize you hadn't been in the best place for sex. It can be difficult to have a sense for when you might be in an emotional state that isn't ideal for sex, although I think that awareness is something you can cultivate over time.