I'm kind of picky when it comes to sexual media...

[pathconnected]

So I've been spending some time lately exploring my sexuality, with regards to like fantasy and masturbating. I've found the "How to approach sexual fantasy and desire on your own terms" article really helpful, especially in how it suggests taking note of what specific things you find pleasurable.

Unfortunately, I've realized that my criteria for those things is kind of narrow. I can only really enjoy sexual scenes from TV shows and movies where I'm attracted to the actresses and their characters feel like they have some sort of emotional connection. They honestly don't even have to be sexual, cute or flirty or romantic is fine, but these scenes are usually pretty short and there aren't that many featuring queer women anyways. If the scenes feel too male-gazey, then generally I can't get anything out of them. For the most part I don't like porn because it can seem a little cheesy or exploitative or impersonal. I've yet to read erotica that I could relate to (for some reason a lot of what I've found seems to feature like...businesswomen in their 30s? What's up with that?). Whenever I try to make up fantasies in my own head, they last for like a minute before I get distracted (I have ADHD) or start to feel awkward about my own thoughts.

I guess I'm a little annoyed (mostly at myself) because I finally feel like I'm getting in touch with my sexuality—but until they make a TV show with an entire episode devoted to two well-developed female characters having respectful, emotional sex, I'm kind of stuck. Any tips on how to be more open to stuff?

[Urna]

Hiya pathconnected,

I've been exactly where you are, and I know just how frustrating it can be to find that only a small pool of queer media is enjoyable, while everything else is meh. I can share with you how I dealt with the issue. Since engaging with media (especially media that you intend to use to buttress your relationship with your sexuality) is supposed to be fun and not feel like a task, I started out by respecting my pickiness and searching for media with sexual content that's tailored to individual preferences. I found heaven in fanfiction, as you may have already guessed. Whether I wanted smut (sexy stuff, of any flavor) or fluff (emotional stuff, again of any flavor) or plot, or different combinations of the three, all I had to do was curate my reading experience by using the tagging system on my website of choice to filter out stuff I didn't want to see, and to include stuff I did want to see. There's an abundance of wonderful stories on AO3, and my favorite fanfics are honestly better than many published novels I've read. Since all you're after is well-rounded wlw characters with a robust, respectful relationship dynamic, you honestly don't even have to stick to fandoms where you know the original story/series/movie. There are lots of fanfics that take characters from a canonical universe (say, Bridgerton) and place them in alternate universes, where there is little similarity with the original universe, and it's practically a new story that the fanfiction author is writing. I've read wonderful fanfic from fandoms that I'm not part of, by treating them as just another story. Careful curation is key, I think, to finding enjoyable sexual media (or any media, really). And ao3 (and fandom in general) allows for that.

The second part of my plan to reduce my pickiness was osmosis, to put it plainly. And it worked. While reading fanfiction and engaging with fellow fans on Twitter and Tumblr, I'd catch glimpses of different pairings, different styles of storytelling, and different romantic and sexual dynamics, especially when I'd look through a fanfic author's other works, or their bookmarks, or their recs. My first reaction to unfamiliar stuff would normally be "meh, doesn't sound like my thing", but I found that lots of new things started growing on me, often because the authors I was reading and my fellow readers were super into those new things. My taste has grown considerably since I first started reading fanfic five years ago, and I now enjoy many different kinds of sexual media, both inside and outside fanfiction. This is why I say that fanfic is a wonderful bridge to new media, while also being super fulfilling in itself. Is that helpful?

Aside from this super specific suggestion that may or may not speak to you (please let me know!), I'd recommend going through these two articles, if you haven't already.

[pathconnected]

Thanks so much, this has all been super helpful!

[Urna]

Glad to hear it, you're welcome! Feel free to ask us more questions, should you have any )