Into BDSM at 13, worried about damaging myself

[Sam526687]

Since the age of 8 (although obviously it was very small back then) I have had a slowly but surely developing interest in BDSM. Now at 13 it's stronger than ever and I really, really want to.. get involved. The thing is, I'm really worried about damaging myself mentally by doing things at this age, e.g. I've read posts from young adults who watched pron as children warning people not to make their mistake, as they have either become hypersexual and have difficulty holding down a relationship, or their sexual instinct has been killed. So, my question is, what can I do (specifically involving BDSM if that changes anything) at 13 years old without damaging myself?

[Carly]

Hey Sam526687! Up top I wanted to address your concern about pornography -- I think it's great that you're thinking critically about this topic, but I don't think you need to worry as much. Pornography alone cannot cause the "damage" you described; there are a lot of people who have healthy relationships with it. One of the most important things to remember about porn is created for entertainment purposes and is not intended to be educational "how-to" material. Unfortunately, a lot of people learn about sex from pornography - this is especially true for young people. Learning from what is essentially an exaggerated fantasy scenario could cause unrealistic, potentially harmful expectations of yourself and others. I think reading Making Sense of Sexual Media will be extremely helpful for you in understanding how to approach pornography. If you have any questions about it, let us know here and we can talk more.

As for "getting involved" - can you talk more about what you have in mind? Were you looking for activities as an alternative to watching porn, or are you looking for more ways to engage this aspect of your sexuality in general?

PS. We have quite a few young people on the boards also interested in BDSM. While we do not allow direct messageing between users, their threads might be helpful to you as well.

[Sam526687]

Hi, Thanks for answering. By getting involved I mean literally anything to sate my own desires. Like I said, they’ve been getting much stronger, and I don’t think pushing them down or ignoring them is the best option. I did start reading erotica last year, which kind of worked but I want to do something active, not passive, if you see what I mean. Thanks!

[Emily N]

Hi Sam526687,

It makes sense that ignoring your interests and desires isn’t a great strategy. Reading erotica is a great place to start exploring your interest in BDSM. But I also really appreciate Carly’s note about using sexual media and erotica for entertainment, not as a “how-to” guide for sex.

The term ‘BDSM’ is very general, and not everyone who identifies as enjoying BDSM actually enjoys every part of the acronym (for example, a person could be interested in bondage but not interested in masochism or physical pain). Take time with yourself to figure out what you are interested in, and just as importantly, not interested in! Have you tried writing your own erotica, or would that be interesting to you? It may be a good way to explore your specific interests.

It sounds like you are being thoughtful about how to engage with BDSM in a way that feels safe to you. Forming and maintaining boundaries and consent are really important for all sex, and definitely apply to exploring BDSM solo. If you’re exploring, create some check ins with yourself to make sure you are still feeling safe and excited by the activity. Something I wouldn’t recommend is joining sexual chat rooms, especially because anyone under 18 can’t legally give consent. Here’s an advice article that talks a bit more about exploring sexual fantasies and BDSM - https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... y_sex_life