trying with my girlfriend

[jason12]

Hey all


Whenever i give my girlfriend oral,she says she thinks wtf is he doing down their and it feels like im going in all directions,but all i am doing is going up and down in one spot,then she reaches a orgasm after about 10 minutes of oral and i ask her if she liked it and she always says ""it was ok, it took to long i dont like the part before the orgasm" meaning she thinks the part before orgasm is pointless. so i say well show me what you like then or tell me what to do and she replies "no i dont know what i like and you wouldn't remember anyway,i may as well just masterbate im very good at that".

Her legs twitch alot during so i figured she must be liking it,so basically what am i doing wrong how can i do it in a shorter time then 10minutes?

Thanks

[Heather]

The only person -- as it's clear you knew right from the start -- who can tell you what feels good and what they like is the person you are doing it with. And if that person feels you are doing something wrong, they're the only one who can tell you what that is.

As well, how long it takes someone to reach orgasm is more about them than a partner, and most people with vulvas (not penises) will not tend to reach orgasm, from any activity, much shorter than that with a partner. It sounds like some of her expectations here may be a) unrealistic, and b) are putting things on you that are largely outside your control. Especially since some of what's likely keeping her from some of what she wants is her unwillingness to show or tell you what feels best for her.

So, I am hearing you asking your girlfriend to communicate with you about what she likes -- and doesn't -- WHILE you are doing this, rather than just reporting on it after, but her saying she can't do that, because apparently, she doesn't know what she likes (but apparently does know what she doesn't).

Do I have that right? If so, that sure makes me feel confused and dizzy, so I imagine you're feeling similarly.

[jason12]

Yup that is exactly how it is

[Heather]

Sorry to hear that. You stand at an impasse, then.

Either all you can keep doing is guessing, and doing what feels good for your mouth, or she can figure out how to tell you what she is and isn't liking as you do it. There's really no other way to go here, and if what you -- and she -- want, is for you to learn what feels good for her, you can't do it without her help. And just telling you you are doing it wrong is not helpful information, as you know.

I think it'd be okay to say something to her like, "You know, I really do want to please you, but for me to do that with more than dumb luck, you really have to figure out a way to tell me what you are and are not liking AS we do this, or show me what you do to yourself. If you won't do those things, please don't criticize me afterwards, because without your input during, I'm doing the best I can. Is there anything I can do to make you feel more comfortable communicating with me during sex, or showing me what you do?"

Too, if even that kind of talk feels like a drag, I also think simply taking sex off the table with someone like this until they can figure out how to communicate constructively, and share what they're feeling as you go, is reasonable. Because feeling like you have been, after all, and this kind of dynamic, sure isn't fun for anyone, especially the person on the receiving end of the critiques.

[Heather]

I would also add, btw, that if some of what she is saying is that she is only really there for the orgasm -- not to just enjoy exploring sharing pleasure -- you might want to think about if this is such a great partner for you. Same goes with how inconsiderate it sounds like this person is being of your feelings. The way she's been talking to you sounds pretty crap to me.

For as much as she is saying she could just masturbate instead of really being there with you and really participating in sex you are having while you are having it, it sounds like she may not be getting that while with masturbation just showing up for the orgasm works, it's not really the way it tends to work well with partners. You're a whole other person there she needs to take into account, after all. Not a toy.

With partners, we have to be in it for everyone's pleasure, and want to share that experience. Some people really do just want to get off and don't really want to be part of that, but those people don't tend to be very good sexual partners for anyone. Those folks, IMO -- unless everyone involved just wants to get off and get done, too -- usually should stick to masturbating.

[jason12]

Ill have to consider what to say to her thanks for that,with my ex partners ive never had any of these problems at all,it literally feels like during she likes it but for some reason she says she dosent,also ive never heard of someone not liking the whole experience seeing the part before as a waste of time,its wierd

[Heather]

Like I said, some people don't really want to be with someone else, or just want someone to get them off (luckily, those folks tend to be few and far between, and usually when someone is like that, they will also be self-aware and considerate enough not to choose partners, then), rather than really wanting to be part of a shared experience.

My best advice is to lose those lovers when you find them, especially if they just do not WANT to do the things we really need to to be with a partner, not be a jerk, and earnestly have mutually satisfying experiences everyone feels emotionally good about. If she's actually interested in working on some change here, and you want to be with her -- is she someone who is otherwise wonderful in your relationship? -- then by all means, see what happens with some time. But if she's not, were it me, I'd be cutting my losses, getting out of dodge, and seeking out partners (like it sounds like you have had in the past) who both really seem to want to be partners, and are more ready or willing to be an active part of sex with a partner, not just a referee.

[jason12]

Ok,yeah she blames me too then i say if you dont tell me what you like or what you want during then it wouldnt suddenly become likeable for you,and she just says ill just masterbate,

Im her first boyfriend we are both 20,shes changed alot since we first went out at first she didnt like hugging or kissing to much,now shes up to a normalish level of hugging and kissing sometimes she says i dont feel in a kissy mood this week,she used to hate affection

[jason12]

Just a quick update after alot of talking she finally agreed to actually tell me whats good during and she ended up loving it

[Heather]

Well, whaddya know.

I hope that you can also have some talks about the way she's been talking to you, and hope she's just as willing to make efforts there, so you're treated with more kindness and care.