Knowing that this is a safe space

[OtherAngel]

Not going to go into much detail but you can read my other posts.
My friend and I talked about abortion, safe sex, and partners. She was very open about her sexual lifestyle and what she believes in. And again I have mad respect for her!
I contacted the boy that I was with last month, the one who I had sex with and then finding out that he had a girlfriend and me feeling used. I asked him if he had an open relationship, and he said yes and found out that his girlfriend knows about me. He didn't tell me anything because you knew I wouldn't have sex with him, which is true.
I learned a lot from these two, and I'm learning even more from these boards. My sex life is good but not great, and maybe I'm missing out?
I have a few friends who would sleep with me if I asked them. Relationships never work out anyway, and casual sex is easier, you just have to ask, lol! But maybe just try a few times and see what I think?
The only reason I'm not asking my friend for advice and help is because she is an adult, I have known her since I was a kid but all of her friends are adults and that's not going to happen.
What's the best way of doing this, best way of asking for a sex but still keeping friends and not looking bad?

[Urna]

Hello! I'm going to address a couple of your questions in this post, starting with the last. Casual sex is not a morally bad thing. As long as there is mutual consent and respect, and everyone involved is on the same page about the fact that what's happening isn't romantic, you're good to go! A good way to ask to have casual sex without things getting romantic/unpleasant is to be direct about it, and to emphasize that you're not looking for a relationship and have no romantic feelings for them. Ask them if they want the same thing and have the same expectations as you do, and make sure to tell them that whether they say yes or no, your friendship won't change. Keep it light, and if they say no or seem unsure, don't push them to reconsider.

I'd recommend reading this article: Making Choices About Casual Sex. It goes into great detail about what good casual sex requires, and what mistakes you should avoid. Here's a wonderful article about consent, which may help you: Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent. Casual sex comes with risks other than consent, too, so you should read this article as well.

You said "relationships never work out anyway", and you're looking for casual sex because it's "easier". Would you like to talk more about this? Do you want a relationship?

[OtherAngel]

I did and tried the relationship route but after a few months it gets stale and then the sex start getting dull and then you find somebody else that you want to be with. I sort of had casual sex already and it was nice but I what i did wrong was do research on the boy afterwards.
I want to enjoy sex but keep the rest out, at least for right now. Part of me wants to do it with a friend but part of me wants to do with somebody I don't know that way nothing comes back to haunt me, like being called a slut that the one article mentions.
I need the courage on going this route. I really do think a friend of mine would do this, and I would ask exactly how you mentioned, I just have to ask.

[Valerie J]

Hi!


I have a couple ideas and questions for you. To start, I want to emphasize that having sex with a stranger does not make you a "slut" and it is not a morally bad thing to do. So know that even if that is said it doesn't hold any value. You are not lesser because you like sex and don't mind having it with strangers. I'm curious to know who you are worried about calling you a "slut" and if you wanted to talk more about that.

Further, I do want to challenge the idea that having casual sex makes it easier or more inherently pleasurable. I say this because I don't want your expectations to not be met. What about casual sex to you makes you feel like you will enjoy it more? Does it have to do with emotional connections? Casual sex can be just as complicated as a relationship and takes a lot of active communication and boundary setting, which can be awesome. If that's what you're looking for then great! But it does still require work because even though it's not a romantic relationship it is still a form of a relationship and that requires communication. Especially if the person you are having sex with is also a friend because feelings are complicated and it may change the dynamic of your friendship.

Stranger sex carries some big safety risks. Can we talk about them?

I think these pieces might help you think about how to navigate relationships with sexual partners.
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
Would Friends With Benefits Work for Me

I'm curious to know more about what makes your previous relationship seem "stale" and what makes sex "dull" for you. The reason I ask is sometimes there are new ways to try to achieve what you want which is ultimately sex you enjoy (from what you've said). Have you tried different kinds of sex acts that might engage you differently and maybe provide new sensations of pleasure? Unfortunately, media and society has created a very narrow-minded view of what sex and pleasure can look like often limiting it to penetrative sex when the reality is that is just a tiny piece of the incredibly large puzzle of pleasure. I'm going to include a couple articles that might be helpful in your desire to find pleasure.

With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
Yield for Pleasure


Now, I've jumped from communication to pleasure and desire for a reason. If you are trying to start a friends with benefits relationship it's really important to go in knowing what you really want. If after reading some of these articles and posts you've found that you really want to try different forms of sex and change up what pleasure looks like for you than maybe relationships aren't completely the problem. If you're hoping for a hook up with very little emotional attachment, that can be difficult if the person you are hooking up with wants that emotional attachment. There's a lot of different things you can reflect on but the overall point here is try to take a minute to interrogate what you really want right now because that will be extremely important in being able to articulate what you want with someone. I think you can do this if its what you want! I have confidence in you!

With all this in mind, what are you thinking about?

Best,
Val

[OtherAngel]

I'm not sure what to say or think right now. You said quite a bit, and you are correct. I have had my moments where I just wanted sex, like call a friend and have him come over here real quick. Never done it, but that was because I was in a relationship at the time. Now I'm free, and now my friend tells me about all her sexual partners along with a whole bunch of other stuff. I'm curious I guess? Willing to try it maybe?
I don't want stranger sex, I'm not going there, thinking more of friends with benefits.
I read what you said a few times by the way. I guess my answer is I just have to think about it some more.

[Sam W]

Hi OtherAngel,

Curiosity is a totally valid reason to explore different sexual dynamics or activities provided that, as Val mentioned above, you're not charging into them with lots of assumptions about how they will or won't go.

I think taking time to think about this is also a sound call! It sounds like you know you'd like the casual relationship to be with someone you're already friends with, which is a helpful thing to know. It may also help to think about if there are particular friends you'd like to explore this with, what you think makes them good candidates for it, and how you might go about navigating the dynamic introduced by adding sex into those relationships. How does that sound?

[OtherAngel]

I know I want to try it, I'll regret not trying it but maybe I'll regret trying it. I have a wonderful male friend who would be a good candidate, and he just got done going through a tough relationship himself and he is not dating. We both have something in common, and right now I just want to text him and tell him what I think. I know I need to be upfront, I just can't get myself to do that. My nerves are getting the best of me. I don't want a relationship with him, he is too good of a friend for that, but sex with him sounds fun.
I'm thinking about it. LOL!

[Sam W]

It can certainly be nerve-wracking to have those kinds of conversations. I will say that if you don't feel ready to be that kind of up-front or direct with him, then that's a sign to keep holding off for a bit. Casual sex often has the best outcomes when people are able to communicate about their needs, boundaries, and expectations explicitly. If you decide you do want to bring this up with him, we're can certainly use this space to help you brainstorm how to do that. It may also help to think about why being upfront with him about this is making you nervous, since the answer could give you valuable information.

Too, I think it might help to remember that friends-with-benefits scenarios are relationships; they're just not what most of us first think of when we use that term. With that in mind, you might find this article helpful both in working out what you do and do not want from all this, and if the two of you decide to add sex into the mix of your friendship: Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models.

[OtherAngel]

Thanks, Sam. I texted him and we are going to meet up later. I might not say anything, or maybe I will, I'll read him out. And I got the house to myself after 5, I got that figured out. Sex is on my mind and that's all I want. And I love these boards by the way, all the reading helps.

[Sam W]

I'm glad the reading and the boards are helpful!

It may help to take at least some of that sexual pressure out of your system, whether that's by masturbating or by doing something that burns off some of that pent up energy. I suggest this because when we're in a super sex-craving brainspace, it can be trickier to slow down and have the conversations we need to have before having sex with someone else.

[OtherAngel]

Oh now you tell me!
I'm on edge, I know it. I'll be good. G2g.

[OtherAngel]

I figure I should add an update and say that I did it. We talked about it, we set some boundaries, and we had sex with absolutely zero romance. It worked out great, but it was weird when it was over because we acted like we didn't do anything at all. But we both enjoyed it, and we might do it again.

[Heather]

Hey there, OtherAngel.

I'm glad that this by and large went the way you wanted it to! You might already know this, but just like you can talk about dynamics with friends, with someone sitting next to you on the bus, with someone you're dating, with a lab partner, you can do the same with casual sex partners. So, if it feels weird when it's over because you're both acting like it didn't happen -- which I can see would feel weird, because obviously something did just happen! -- that's something you can talk about before there's a next time. You can ask for what you might like instead, for example, talk about why that was weird, or ask how the other person felt about it and what they might want.

Just because something is casual doesn't mean we can't or don't still get to communicate like any other kind of social intercation.

[OtherAngel]

You make some good points there. You should have seen his reaction when I asked him about this, LMAO! We both understand that we're only having fun, and if either of us finds someone else to go out with then we will end it. It's a first for both of us, he has always been a good friend but never dating material.
But if we do it again I will have a plan on talking about the Olympics or something.