Too busy to take care of myself sexually

[belled]

Hi, it's me again. I made it to college and things have been going pretty well, but I have been extremely busy. I am a full-time student and I am also working 4 hours a day. I have ADHD, so I sometimes take longer to get my homework done because I am so easily distracted. I'm seeing a tutor to help me with that, and I'm also going to the professors' office hours to get help when I don't understand a concept. I'm going to a small liberal arts college where there are a lot of social events, and I've been trying to show up to a few of them because they're fun.

I'm pretty happy with my life right now. It's nice having a little more independence (I think I talked about my overprotective mom on here before) and I feel more mentally stable than I felt earlier in the year. But I've found that I'm just so freaking busy that I don't have much time for myself anymore. In short, I'm feeling sexually unfulfilled. I literally don't have any time to take care of my sexuality. Now that I'm living with a roommate and overwhelmed with homework (they even assign several hours of work on the weekends!), I can't do any of the things that usually satisfy me. (For example, I can't exactly give myself a breast massage while she's sitting 10 feet away from me).

This weekend, I finally had two hours of free time (I still have homework later today, but I don't have to get started on it right away). All of a sudden, I felt super horny - it felt like the past 2 weeks of being unsatisfied suddenly caught up to me all at once. I ended up spending two hours looking at photos of hot girls and touching different spots on my body, and it felt so good. But I feel like I kind of wasted the little bit of free time that I do have - I could've watched a movie or written a story, for example. So how should I deal with my sexuality when I'm too busy to indulge myself on a regular basis?

[Carly]

Hi belled -- I'm glad to hear that college is off to a good start for you. I also have ADHD, and I'm glad you're finding ways to cope and work well. I'm comfortable sharing with you that I'm graduate student, and I also don't have a lot of free time for myself. I feel a lot of pressure to use it strategically: should I do a chore, or should I do an activity I like? Should I do the activity I like, or should I get some extra sleep? When it comes down it, I always try to always choose the thing that will make me feel good, not the thing I think I ought to be doing. If looking at pictures and touching yourself felt good, why do you feel like you could have used that time better, especially if you've been noticing you're feeling sexually unfulfilled? I think it's worth considering your sexual needs just as important as your need to eat and sleep - though you may need those other things a little bit more frequently (and there may be more serious consequences if you don't have them), I think having all of these needs areas balanced will contribute to your wellbeing and happiness overall.

I live alone, but I imagine throwing a roommate into the mix and not always having privacy is a whole additional can of worms. What is your relationship with your roommate like? Would you feel comfortable asking her schedule, or even asking for some time alone in your home sometime?

[belled]

Hi belled -- I'm glad to hear that college is off to a good start for you. I also have ADHD, and I'm glad you're finding ways to cope and work well. I'm comfortable sharing with you that I'm graduate student, and I also don't have a lot of free time for myself. I feel a lot of pressure to use it strategically: should I do a chore, or should I do an activity I like? Should I do the activity I like, or should I get some extra sleep? When it comes down it, I always try to always choose the thing that will make me feel good, not the thing I think I ought to be doing. If looking at pictures and touching yourself felt good, why do you feel like you could have used that time better, especially if you've been noticing you're feeling sexually unfulfilled? I think it's worth considering your sexual needs just as important as your need to eat and sleep - though you may need those other things a little bit more frequently (and there may be more serious consequences if you don't have them), I think having all of these needs areas balanced will contribute to your wellbeing and happiness overall.

I live alone, but I imagine throwing a roommate into the mix and not always having privacy is a whole additional can of worms. What is your relationship with your roommate like? Would you feel comfortable asking her schedule, or even asking for some time alone in your home sometime?

Hi Carly! Thank you so much for your advice. I guess I just felt a little silly about it because I sometimes feel like I'm not the one in control of my sexuality. I feel like it demands my time when I don't really want to spend my time on it, you know? For me, it's intrusive, and even if it feels good in the moment, I end up feeling kinda guilty because it usually takes the place of some other thing that I actually want to do, like reading a book. I just wish I could tuck it away for when I actually have enough time to relax.

My roommate and I get along well, so I'm sure I could ask her for some time alone. She actually isn't here all the time, so it's not like I'm stuck with her for every minute of the day. She's not really an issue for me, but I would have to make sure she was gone because she does have a key.

[Mo]

One thing you may want to try is setting up some sort of system where you can have a "knock first, please" sign of some sort on the door. When I was in college, a lot of people had small whiteboards on their doors where friends could leave messages and they would draw a certain design or put a post-it note on it, etc. when they wanted privacy or for roommates to knock before entering so they didn't barge in on anything. You wouldn't even necessarily have to frame it as being specific for masturbation; plenty of folks prefer private time to get changed, do stretches, meditate, focus on work, etc. I think framing it as a system that you could both use to share the space harmoniously with each other, and not as something you're asking her to do solely for you, will be helpful.

[belled]

One thing you may want to try is setting up some sort of system where you can have a "knock first, please" sign of some sort on the door. When I was in college, a lot of people had small whiteboards on their doors where friends could leave messages and they would draw a certain design or put a post-it note on it, etc. when they wanted privacy or for roommates to knock before entering so they didn't barge in on anything. You wouldn't even necessarily have to frame it as being specific for masturbation; plenty of folks prefer private time to get changed, do stretches, meditate, focus on work, etc. I think framing it as a system that you could both use to share the space harmoniously with each other, and not as something you're asking her to do solely for you, will be helpful.

Oh, that's a really good idea! I will try that. Thank you so much!