I cant masturbate

[eeeeie]

Hi all. I’m 14 and I am quite scared of masturbation.

Basically, I have bad anxiety and extreme paranoia. I didn’t masturbate for awhile as I had extreme paranoia that I had an STD (which isn’t even possible). The few/recent times I tried nothing good came from it and I felt more anxious.

I can only fit one finger in my vagina. It goes in pretty easily but when I tried to fit two there just wasn’t any room for the second one to actually go in. Doing anything inside my vagina with one finger doesn’t do anything exciting.

My clit is sensitive and I can’t tell if I’m experiencing pleasure or pain by touching it. A few nights ago I got super horny (to the point where I felt lightheaded) and no matter what I would do i didn’t feel completed. I rubbed my clit, I went in and out with my middle finger (as it’s the only thing that fits) and yet it felt like I just had to pee bad, that’s it. I got bored after 13 minutes so I just stopped.

What am I doing wrong? I cant go to the doctor nor can I try any toys. I tried an electric toothbrush once but I did it wrong and with my parents around it brings me extra anxiety. I just want to feel pleasure without having to worry and ruin the vibe.

[Elise]

Hi there eeeeie, I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with this intense fear about masturbation at the moment, it sounds like something that is causing you quite a bit of distress. A lot of people experience frustration working out what works for them when they are first experimenting with what brings them pleasure in terms of masturbation, so you are certainly not alone in having this experience. It can help not to frame this as something you can only do "right" or "wrong", rather as something that you are exploring via a very normal process of experimentation, which often takes some time.

It is also perfectly normal to not feel pleasure by insertion of your finger in the vaginal canal - this is a very common experience, a lot of people with vaginas don't really find internal stimulation all that great on its own, there are far more nerve endings (areas with more of those are more sensitive to stimulation) in other areas of your genitals, like the clitoris. To learn more about this, these articles (and then those they link off to) explain it more thoroughly:

• How To Have Your First Orgasm: A Primer for Cisgender Women.
• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

Also, as you'll read in these articles, a lot of feeling pleasure from any kind of sexual activity, solo or partnered, has to do with how were feeling mentally at the time. Therefore if we're feeling stressed out or sad or scared, that can inhibit feelings of pleasure. Putting pressure on yourself that you "should" or "must" find what works for you asap is therefore will only make things harder, so please treat yourself with patience and kindness. It is totally fine to take a break from trying this if it is only bringing you frustration, and focus on other things that bring you pleasure and joy for the evening, or for the next little while or longer as feels right for you.

Given that it seems that stress and anxiety about this are a big factor in this for you at the moment - would you like to talk about it a bit further? We have some a good resource about finding ways to ensure better privacy whilst masturbating here at this article: Deep Cover: Tips for Managing Anxiety or Privacy Worries When Masturbating at Home. We can also help with suggestions to help you establish a safe private space in your circumstances as best you can, and chatting through some of the other stressors that you mention here, how does that sound?

[eeeeie]

Given that it seems that stress and anxiety about this are a big factor in this for you at the moment - would you like to talk about it a bit further?

I’ve read the articles and they’ve been a good help, thanks.
In one of the articles it mentions something about fantasys. I struggle with thinking about fantasys. I can do them but if I’m masturbating they go away easily. I only get really horny when reading old flirty messages or talking to someone I’m horny for (even though I’m scared to mention anything to them as I don’t want to ruin our friendship).

I have bad anxiety and depression, I struggle with bad delusions/paranoia. I was exposed to sexual content when I was younger and have trauma related to it. I think these things play a key part in it but it annoys me how these things are blocking me from masturbation. I cant get therapy as it’s month long waitlists where I am.

I think negatively about my vagina always. I’m always scared that somethings wrong or if it’s not the right shape. I’m scared that a dick won’t be big enough (since I can’t fit 2 fingers or more). I’m scared they won’t turn me on enough. I’m just scared that something is wrong with my body and I won’t be able to have sex like, ever.

[eeeeie]

Given that it seems that stress and anxiety about this are a big factor in this for you at the moment - would you like to talk about it a bit further?

I’ve read the articles and they’ve been a good help, thanks.
In one of the articles it mentions something about fantasys. I struggle with thinking about fantasys. I can do them but if I’m masturbating they go away easily. I only get really horny when reading old flirty messages or talking to someone I’m horny for (even though I’m scared to mention anything to them as I don’t want to ruin our friendship).

I have bad anxiety and depression, I struggle with bad delusions/paranoia. I was exposed to sexual content when I was younger and have trauma related to it. I think these things play a key part in it but it annoys me how these things are blocking me from masturbation. I cant get therapy as it’s month long waitlists where I am.

I think negatively about my vagina always. I’m always scared that somethings wrong or if it’s not the right shape. I’m scared that a dick won’t be big enough (since I can’t fit 2 fingers or more). I’m scared they won’t turn me on enough. I’m just scared that something is wrong with my body and I won’t be able to have sex like, ever.

[Mo]

One thing I'd suggest, if you're open to it, would be to go ahead and get on a waitlist for therapy if you're able to. Waiting a month or more to receive care is frustrating, for sure, but making an appointment now still means you do have treatment on the horizon to look forward to, and it sounds like that might be a really helpful next step for you. As Elise mentioned above, one's mental health and state of mind during masturbation can have a big impact on how pleasurable it feels or how easy it is to relax enough to enjoy it. I don't know if you're taking any medication for your depression, but if you are, it may be helpful to know what many antidepressants can cause sexual side effects such as difficulty feeling aroused or reaching orgasm.

I'm sorry to hear you're having so many worries about whether or not you'll be able to have sex with someone in the future. I do want to say that sex encompasses a lot more than just intercourse; even if you do decide that intercourse isn't something you enjoy, there are other kinds of sex you could explore with a partner! It wouldn't mean that there was something wrong with you. Some people just aren't that wild about intercourse, or it takes them a while to figure out how to make it feel great, and that isn't unusual or a sign of a problem.

Having said that, though, what I'd encourage you to do is try not to dwell too much on these worries of what might or might not happen when you're having sex with someone else in the future. I say this as someone with pretty intense anxiety, and I know that it's never as easy as just deciding to stop worrying about something. Even so, though, it's just not possible to be able to predict how partnered sex might go in the future. So much of that will depend on the relationship you have with the other person, how well you're able to communicate, and what sort of sexual chemistry you have, among other factors.

[eeeeie]

One thing I'd suggest, if you're open to it, would be to go ahead and get on a waitlist for therapy if you're able to.

I’ve actually been waiting 3 months now for a psychiatrist. It’s about a 3-9 month waitlist till I get in. The only option I have is teletherapy which I was in for 9 months and it didn’t work (i need to be face to face, somehow online therapy just doesn’t do anything).

I’m currently not on antidepressants but it’s another worry to me that I’ll never be able to masturbate if don’t do it now. I’m worried I won’t have the chance if I get on them.

[Coral]

Hey there,

I’m glad you were about to get on a waitlist. Like Mo said before, it can be really frustrating to wait, but it is something to look forward to you. I understand what you mean about face to face therapy. I tried it and agree that it didn;t exactly feel the same. I will say, however, that it’s good to keep it open as an option if you ever feel that you really need to talk to someone.

In terms of antidepressants: it’s true that some do have sexual side effects, but not all! Speaking from personal experience, you can always express your concerns to your doctor about side effects. It may be a kind of trial and error process to find what works for you. It also may not effect your sex drive at all, so I wouldn’t worry too much about losing the chance to masturbate if you start medication.