Am I being too dramatic or was it sexual assault?

[carson_meow]

So I was dating this guy from February2021 to about June and the first time we got sexual it was pretty great we were watching Spirited Away and it was just clothed grinding and touching. After that he got really touchy-feely and it made me uncomfortable but I was too scared to say anything. He would put his hand close to my butt in my lower back and kiss me with too much tongue even when I pulled back. Like a few weeks after our first time I invited him to my house to hang out in the hot tub. Things were ok at first but then he wanted to start making out and I was kinda in the mood too but I was uncomfortable with my dad being right near the window. He was very instant and would try to finger me while we were kissing without asking. The only time I really said anything was when he tried to finger my butt because he couldn’t find the right hole. He really wanted to do it with me and I felt pressured to say yes so I went with him up to the balcony and he started rubbing my “area” really hard and I was just uncomfortable the whole time and I didn’t want to upset him so I just faked my orgasam. After that I felt a little bit of discomfort around him but I chose not to pay attention to it. He continued to be super touchy and like a month later, I had him come over to my house to bake cookies. We were flirting and stuff, then my mom left to go to the store and my dad wasn’t home so we decided to fool around a bit. I was comfortable with just grinding while clothed but he wanted more. We didn’t have actual penetrative sex but my naked part was against his and he attempted to fuck my chest without warning me and I got really uncomfortable so I backed out and said that I wasn’t in the mood. After that I felt extremely uncomfortable around him and whenever I think about those times I want to cry and get rid of my body all together I can’t even watch Spirited Away anymore because the thought of him just makes me feel awful. I have to see him at school everyday which really sucks.

I just need some words of advice.

[Emily N]

Hi carson_meow,

From this article, “It is sexual assault ANY time one person does not want to be engaging in any kind of sex and another person does it to them anyway without their consent and against their will.” So no, you are NOT being too dramatic, and I’m so sorry you had this experience.

In the situations you are describing, you did not give consent for these actions, and it doesn’t sound like he asked about consent either (or if he did ask, it doesn’t sound like it was in a way that would allow you to say no). So absolutely none of this is your fault.

I want to be clear that consent must be verbal, especially if you are beginning to become sexually active with someone for the first time. In addition to verbal consent, there are also nonverbal cues, like body language and facial expressions, that can indicate consent or nonconsent. It sounds like in your interactions with him, you expressed discomfort in many ways and pulled back, indicating NONconsent, and he didn’t pay attention to these. This article does a great job outlining situations of consent and nonconsent.

I’m sorry that you face reminders of all of this when you see him at school. Does it help to talk to someone about your experience (friend, family, therapist)? How are you feeling now?