child-on-child sexual assault perp.

[boola]

guilt. i feel so guilty for everything i feel like he always wanted to play just normal stuff while i wanted to do sex stuff. we were both 12 and continued til 13 im 14 now but i feel like i pressured him and my parents just brush it off as expirementing but no. u cant even consent til 16 and i feel just horrible. thing is he never cared so is it even that bad. litearlly asked me to suck his dick etc but that was all consential but we had weird games idk. and i feel like the perpetrator tell me if u wanna hear more. : feel so terrible became the ppl i hate also cant go to therapy bc im trans mtf and ittl just slow down the transition whichll make it all worse.
ALSO idk why tf it says im 13 im 14 mustve entered my birth wrong.... ; (

[Becky]

Hi boola <3

I'm sorry you're feeling stressed and guilty about this. I understand why this would be weighing on you but hopefully I can offer some reassurance.

We have a lot of users come to us with a similar concern; wondering whether or not they have perpetuated some kind of abuse. And the answer, almost always, is no. And I think it is no in your case as well.

This doesn't sound like you had any sort of abusive or malicious intentions towards your friend. And it sounds like your friend doesn't think it was malicious either. It sounds like two young people experimenting and exploring their bodies, which is extremely common for children to do.

I would highly encourage you to read our article on this topic. You can read it here.

Let me know how you feel after reading through the article. We're here if you want to talk more <3

[boola]

the thing is we had weird games and he would always do it innocently in the way of humping and ik it sounds weird but its just what boys do as a joke , but i took it sexually and did it back to him i think with more sexual intent idk.

[Becky]

What do you mean by "more sexual intent"? Do you mean pleasure-seeking or because it felt good?

Also, how do you know his intentions were more "innocent" than yours?

[boola]

because idk it was just a funny game like no actual sexual stuff but i feel like i had took advantage of it and took the chance to make the situation sexual? idk

[boola]

i just WISH i kept it as games and didnt turn it into a sexual thing and possibly did bad thingsi justhate myself./

[boola]

i dont even think he cared but my biggest fear is growing up and it being mentioned idk i wish i was normal

[amber]

Hi boola,

Did you have a chance to read through the article Becky shared? Exploration is very normal for young people. It sounds to me like the two of you were experimenting in ways you may not have even understood at the time which is again very common.

We also make it a point here to call out negative self talk. This is a safe space to share and chat but not an outlet for talking down on anyone, including oneself.

[boola]

but the thing is ive always just like been mature and i shouldve been fucking mature enough to know not do that i feel like and there was a few times i made him uncomfy and ugh i feel HORRID

[boola]

and look this is what i feel like i did from the article ; Do both children see the activity the same way, or does one see it as sexual while telling the other it’s just a game?

[boola]

so what happened was i just HATE MYSELF and there was times where he would ask me to stop and i feel like i didnt and idk he wasnt hurt but i feel as if i pressured him someone pls help

[mikky]

hey, it seems like you’re having a really really hard time with this. In your first post you said you can’t see a therapist because you’re trans and it’ll “slow down the transition” — really not sure what you mean here, can you tell us more?

I understand that right now you’re feeling as if you’ve done something terrible or worrying that you have, and I know that can be extremely distressing. But like my coworkers have told you, it doesn’t sound like this situation was abusive. We don’t want you to try and run through every memory to figure this out.

[boola]

because if i go to therapy theyll make another assesment to see if im fit for transition which will make a longer waiting list and ill just take longer to transition and i really feel so so so so so terrible

[mikky]

Thanks for clarifying. I’m not familiar with the process of seeking gender affirming care where you are but this does sound quite hard to navigate. I do also think, though, that the amount you are struggling right now deserves proper support. Can we help you find resources to prioritize mental health help right now?

[boola]

YES please

[mikky]

sounds good <3 I’m working without internet right now but I’ll make a note for other staff to check in when they are here

[boola]

thank u so much

[char]

Hi boola,

Jumping in to say that I'm sorry that you've been having a hard time navigating your experience. I found this platform Mermaids - they have a phone and chat service, but do mind that they cannot provide therapy. They seem to be able to refer you to local services though. Would you be able to access them?

[boola]

i just feel so bad because he would do it like a little bit? like the game we had was called traumitise which was kinda messed up but i would do it to him and i feel like id go too far but id say it was fair bc he did it to me but i knew what i was doing i just feel so bad

[Sofi]

Hi boola, were you able to check out the resource Char sent you earlier?
Also, since you're in the UK, you can text Give Us A Shout at 85258 for immediate mental health help. There is also the NHS here: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/ , you can get mental health support there too. Let me know if you are able to connect with someone at one of these resources.

[boola]

its js nothing makes me feel better i tried looking

[Sofi]

Did you reach out and talk to someone? Mental health resources are there for us to use them when we are feeling the way you're feeling right now, so we're trying to help you make use of them to process all these feelings.

[boola]

i dont deserve it....everything was my fault i have talked to so many ppl and the guilt might jus never leave

[Latha]

Hello Boola,

You know, as a sex education organization, we care a lot about being a safe space for people who have experienced assault or abuse and helping people learn to treat each other well in their relationships. That commitment requires us to be honest, and to hold people responsible for their actions. We would not lie to you and tell you that everything was fine if there was a problem with how you've behaved. But, none of us who have spoken to you think you should feel so awful over this experience--I'm sorry to hear that you do. You've mentioned that you've talked to other people about how you feel. What did they say? Was it different from what we've told you?

I understand that the guilt feels totally inescapable right now. It must be exhausting to be in this space where nothing seems to help you feel better. You don't have to agree with our assessment of what happened, and it is okay if you need to take a break from engaging with this subject or challenging your thoughts about it for a while. I only ask that you hold off on deciding for sure about what will work or what you deserve just yet. Reach out the mental health resources that Sofi and Char suggested. As I see it, it is without question that you do deserve support from other people for how you've been feeling--no one ever stops deserving basic kindness like that, no matter what has happened in their life.

[boola]

but there was times where i think i did stuff without consent but he seemed fine after that but what if he didnt realise i just i just