Can’t Orgasm…but wait. Was that an orgasm?

[pnkmilk]

I'm 21 and still a virgin. I grew up in a household and around friends that I could never discuss sexual topics around and so I think it's been very stigmatized for me... I’ve tried masturbating before, but I’ve never had an orgasm. For some reason I've felt like I may never be able to orgasm and it makes me feel extremely inadequate/defective/feelings along those lines I really want to be able to enjoy myself and I don't want all my fantasies to be crushed or anything like that... so I've been trying to get there lately. I tried again recently and I managed to get to some kind of point that I've never reached before. In the past it had always felt good until it was painful or too much after a point and it felt like I was done so I would stop every time feeling unsatisfied. This time though wasn’t exactly like that. After a while I started breathing harder and my heart was beating faster. I had some small spasms and then I felt tired after. I wondered if that was an orgasm?? But there were no contractions and no intense feelings or release or anything I think. I'm wondered if this was also a step in the right direction regardless? Everything was still swollen down there for me after so I don't know if that's how it's supposed to be when it's over or if that means you should keep going? I'm very confused about all of this! I'm trying to figure it out though... Is there any advice you can give about any of this? Thank you so much in advance for your help.

[Mo]

Hi pnkmilk, and welcome to Scarleteen.

I think I just answered this question over on our text service but I am happy to post that response here too, since this is an easier place for us to have a more in-depth conversation.

It's hard for us to know from the outside whether you experienced an orgasm or not, but it's certainly possible! Sometimes an orgasm won't feel like a huge release. In terms of when it's over or if you "should" keep going, it's really about what feels good to you! If you felt satisfied or just ready to be done, then stopping is fine (it's always fine to just stop if you want), but there's nothing wrong with continuing to masturbate after an orgasm if it feels good. For some people it's too sensitive, but others might find it feels very enjoyable.

This article about orgasm may be helpful to you: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide and a general search on our site for "orgasm" will turn up a lot of resources and advice columns that may be useful as well.

But overall, it's very common for it to take some time to figure out what feels and works best for you! One thing I do want to mention is that putting pressure on yourself to orgasm, or going into masturbation feeling frustrated or like "I MUST ORGASM!!!" is honestly going to make it much more difficult to get there. Sometimes it can help to focus more on overall pleasure when masturbating; if pleasure, not orgasm, is your ultimate goal, you may find that it's easier to achieve orgasm eventually.

[pnkmilk]

Thank you so much for the information and advice!! I have another question… Sometimes I find myself masturbating for over an hour or so (still with no release) and I a part of me wants to keep trying but my hands, arms, and body are usually exhausted by that point. Are there any solutions for this? ):

[Coral]

Hey!
A quick solution for this would be to consider buying a sex toy like a vibrator. This would definitely take some of the work off of your hands. If this isn't something you'd want to do, I'd also suggest switching things up a little in terms of what you're doing to masturbate. Sometimes repeating the same motion over and over can be exhausting, so touching a different area or using a different motion might be helpful. And just to restate what Mo said- it can be a little easier when pleasure, not orgasm if your goal. If your whole body is feeling exhausted, stopping is fine as well!