Regretting a threesome with my boyfriend

[victoriajane]

So I'm an 18-year-old girl and I've always been a little curious about being with another a girl just because I find them beautiful and wanted to know what it would be like. My boyfriend is also a guy and inherently thinks the idea of a threesome is hot. A week ago, I suggested to him that we actually try it and we both thought it would be an exciting sexual experience for both of us.
We communicated a lot on the matter and he honestly did EVERYTHING right. He listened to my boundaries (he can't kiss her or have intercourse with her) and was respectful and patient with me. He didn't push me at all and proved to be the amazing boyfriend I know he is.
A couple days after we had discussed the idea and started looking for a third, however, my anxiety started getting the best of me in other aspects of my life and I told him that I wanted to push this off because I'm not in the right place mentally. He was totally okay with it, and I was proud of not pushing myself. However, I think I pushed myself to not push myself because all I could think about was the idea of a threesome, not negatively or anything just always there. It was annoying the hell out of me and it crossed my mind many times to just get it out of the way so it wouldn't be looming over me, but I knew that was a horrible reason to do it.
However, Friday came and we were hanging out with a girl he had met on Tinder (from when we were still looking for a third) who is actually a cool person and gets along great with both of us. We abused a few substances in the hot tub, and then things started to get a little heated. I don't fully remember what ended up pushing to the extent it was pushed to, but eventually, I kissed her. She was hesitant at first (probably because she honestly had no idea that we had already been talking about a threesome and was worried this was way inappropriate), but eventually we started making out a little bit. Then I started making out with my boyfriend and she started kissing on his neck, asking if it was okay once I noticed and I said yes and informed her that she just can't kiss his mouth. It continued to get heated and my boyfriend unhooked my bra (I didn't have a swimsuit to use). She then slowly started to let her breast out and he finished it off for her and we were both topless. Then I start blowing my boyfriend and he starts fingering both of us. He asks her if she would want to join me, and she asked if that was okay and I said yes, just no full intercourse. After both blowing him simultaneously for a little bit, I start making out with her again and he suggests we go back inside where it's more private. On the way there, I totally got in my head and panicked. When he tried to initiate it again back inside, I stopped him and the whole thing was called off. I had a panic attack and was freaking out for a while, but eventually I was fine.
The thing is, all weekend has been super weird. One minute I'll be totally fine and accepting of the whole thing or not thinking about it all, then a few hours later it hits me like a train and I start freaking out. After contemplating it, I realized which parts bothered me, and it wasn't even her blowing him. It was when HE was touching HER that drove me crazy (touching her breasts or fingering her) that has been killing me whenever I think of it.
Overall, I'm just really sick of the bipolar experience I've been having and I want to find a way to come to peace with all of it. I love my boyfriend SO much and it's definitely not his or her fault. None of this would have happened if I had done one of a dozen things differently (i.e. not bringing it up in the first place or not hinting that I was okay with using her as our third which I had hinted at that night thinking I was okay with it). I feel like the whole thing is my fault and I just want to move on and be happy again because I've never been happier with anyone and refuse to compromise the relationship. How long will it take to get over it and what can I do? All help appreciated.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, victoriajane.

Like a lot of things, I'd say it's pretty common to feel like we can't always figure out how we feel about something -- or may find we have feelings that contradict each other -- or if it's right for us when it comes to anything sexual. Same goes for just feeling conflicted about some sexual experiences, where we have or had some positive feelings, some negative, some neutral. And by all means, any kind of sex or relationship involves a pretty steep learning curve.

Can I ask how much room you feel like you're giving yourself with all of that? In other words, do you feel like you're allowing yourself to have these as learning experiences, where you don't know everything, and that's okay? Too, are you seeing that any sexual experience that involves more than one person involves shared responsibility, not it being all of yours?

[victoriajane]

I do feel like I am being hard and unfair on myself. And I know that it takes 3 to have a threesome, but I just feel at fault for the way I'm feeling because I wish I had known sooner what the outcome would have been. I do understand that I had no idea that it would bother me to see him touch someone else but not bother me to see someone else touch him. The whole thing has been overwhelming for me and I'm just terrified of the impact it could have on me and the relationship.

[Heather]

Can you perhaps put some effort into giving yourself more permission to have only been able to learn how you felt about this through experience? By all means, we can have some sense of that before we do something, but I'd say that most of how we figure that out is by doing and then seeking how we feel, you know?

It might help to know that one of the key parts of healthy sexual development is resilience: in other words, that we can have sexual experiences -- or even traumas -- and work through them. And most generally emotionally healthy people will be able to do that, and move forward, even if it's challenging or hard sometimes. So, even though this all has felt pretty freaky so far, chances are good that you'll manage this, and in time, just accept that you didn't have the kind of experience you thought you would, and just take what you learned from that to inform your future choices and experiences so it can be more likely you'll have more experiences you do feel really good about.

I hear you voicing concerns about yourself with these feelings, and then also about your relationship with your boyfriend. Is there one of those you want to tackle first? If so, can you tell me which, and give me some more details about those concerns?

[victoriajane]

I think it's most important to address the feelings I'm having with myself first since that's the root of everything. My main issue is that sometimes (right now, for instance) I am okay and I am accepting of what happened and I feel fine. Other times, however, I start fixating on the negativity of the entire thing and start to have a full blown panic attack about the whole thing. I'll cry and be frustrated and wish that it just never happened and that I had done something differently. The thought of the whole thing has become a compulsive thought since I've been trying not to think about it (and then, of course, have to think about it) and it's almost like a 50/50 chance of which response I'll have to the thoughts: positive and accepting or negative and panicky. So my boyfriend is watching me transition back and forth from being happy and okay and normal and being upset and traumatized and it's overwhelming for both of us.

[Heather]

Can I ask if panic attacks and compulsive thoughts are something you struggle with in general, or if they're only happening with this?

And when these are happening with this, what are the catastrophic thoughts involved? In other words, when you're panicking, what thoughts are you having specifically?

Can I also ask how you might feel about asking for some time from your boyfriend to just process these feelings yourself on your own for a bit, so you don't have the added stress of worrying about trying to do that in a way that impacts your relationship? In other words, how about trying something to give yourself some room to just have all the feels with this, without having to also worry about how those may affect your boyfriend?

[victoriajane]

I do struggle with anxiety and the stress of being home from college has amplified most things, but this is definitely one of the bigger issues I've had with anxiety and it's really the only time I've struggled with compulsive thoughts.
In terms of space, it actually happened at a relatively good time because I won't be seeing him for 2 weeks anyway since I'm going to Atlanta this weekend and we don't have the ability to see each other except on weekends because of an hour drive between us and work schedules. I do feel relieved about this and I think some space is honestly going to be helpful.

[Heather]

Do you currently have a healthcare provider to help you with anxiety in general? If not, might that be something you'd be open to seeking out?

[victoriajane]

It's definitely something I'm planning on getting help for because I've been struggling with it for a while in general.

Back to the issue, though, I also wanted to know your opinion on maintaining a relationship with the girl. My boyfriend and I both get along with her, but she really only talks to my boyfriend since he's more her friend. I feel awful trying to tell him who to talk to or not talk to, but I don't like seeing her name pop up on his phone. Should I give her a chance and try to start over with her or how should I handle it?

[Heather]

I'd suggest this:

I'd start with a talk with your boyfriend (when you're done with this you-time), where you just talk about how you have conflicted feelings about this. You do not want to exert any controls on who he speaks to, but you also don't want to feel so scared and uncomfortable. Then you can ask to talk together and see what you can work out. For instance, if you two agree that this isn't someone either of you is going to stay in a sexual relationship of any kind with, or keep having those interactions with -- and you get to ask fort that exclusivity if you want it -- you may find that takes care of this for you for the most part.

Sure, you may still need some time to get comfortable with what is, effectively, your boyfriend having an ongoing interaction with an ex. But that's just kind of a general life and relationships skill everyone learns over time, learning how to be okay with that, and like all the rest of this learning, it may take time. And while it does, you can work together so that during that time, both of you can be as comfortable as possible. How's that sound?

[victoriajane]

That does sound good, thank you. I wouldn't consider her an ex and we both know that a sexual relationship with her won't be maintained for either of us, so I don't think it should be an issue. I did tell him that I'd appreciate if he didn't spend time with her alone and he already felt hesitant about that which is why I'm not quick to say he shouldn't be in contact with her at all. I think maybe it'd be best to give her another chance and not make a huge deal about it until after I've already had my time alone.

[Heather]

Well, she's an ex sexual partner, so I'd say similar etiquette, for lack of a better word, applies here.

You probably know this already, but in case it helps to hear it from someone, most of us are capable of having feelings of attraction or other sexual feelings for someone and not acting on them because, for whatever reason, they're not right for us or our lives. And I'd say that that often can even be pretty easy if we treat it like it's easy: if we consider that shifts and changes, including intentional ones, with social relationships are a given and a constant in life, happening more often rather than less often.

You also can talk about this together, which is probably good to do after you and your boyfriend talk alone. I'd just clock that as pretty standard-issue follow up with any kind of poly or open relationships if and when we've been involved with someone who is -- and we want -- to still be part of our lives, just not in the way we tried it.

[dday76]

I think Heather had good insight that anxiety in general may be contributing somewhat to the issue as much as the threesome itself. It might be helpful to consider both lessons.
It sounds like you learned something. The threesome was a learning experience and you didn't like it that much. It's healthy to go outside your comfort zone at least a bit to please your partner, but it should never be something that gives you this much anxiety. Definitely keep talking through things here. If these thoughts keep coming up, it might be helpful to remember you did learn something: you don't like it.
That lesson might provide a bit of closure to move on. As Heather says, it's not like all such things are off the table, just maybe a different way next time.

[ChanelleANG]

Hi. I’m 18 and currently with my boyfriend. He was paying special attention into my friend and I got jealous. So I decided to have a threesome with her and him. Problem is, during the threesome they didn’t include me at all. I felt left out and clearly he was excited to have sex with her because he completely left me out. Any advicev

[Heather]

Hey there, Chanelle. I'm sorry that this went this way for you. Unfortunately, sometimes when we try new sexual things, they don't always go as we want or expect. Threesomes are something where I'd say that people can often particularly have expectations that often don't match up to reality, especially when it comes to what kind of dynamic usually needs to be there for things to be positive, and how much and how honestly everyone needs to be communicating for things to go well.

It sounds like this was a setup for a bad time from the start. It started with bad feelings in the mix from the get-go, where you had bad feelings about this other person rather than liking them. It sounds like nothing was discussed, agreed upon or negotiated ahead of time about expectations, wants and needs -- ideally, before sex, for example, you would have all agreed about things that would have called for everyone to stop, like if anyone was feeling bad during and said to stop. And it sounds like when things did go south and it was bad for you, instead of stopping, it just kept going. None of that should have happened that way, but from the sound of things, no one involved knew what they were doing here, this whole thing came from bad feelings instead of good ones, and y'all didn't do anything ahead of time to try and assure this was potentially something good for everyone. I'm really sorry: I imagine you must feel really hurt.

Where do things stand now? Are you still with your boyfriend? Have you two talked about this? What do you want and need in this moment?

[Rach931105]

I can relate to this so much!! My bf and I have flirted with the idea of us having a threesome so many times. I go through phases where I’m very attracted to girls and get sexually curious and he knows this. So we discuss it- what it would include- boundaries emotionally and sexually. But I always decide against it bc I’m so terrified I will regret it. We discussed the same boundaries- I didn’t want him to have intercourse with her. I pretty much wanted him there to enjoy and be with me me while I am with her. He said this was selfish and never agreed to it- that if I’m with her it’s only fair he is. So the possibility of something happening that I could end up feeling jealous terrifies me. I worry it would wind up stuck in my head and eventually taint our relationship.

I guess I want to know- would you take it back if you could? Was it worth exploring that sexual curiosity?

[Elise]

Hi there Rach931105, you're right that adding someone new to a sexual relationship can bring up a lot of complicated feelings. Therefore this is important to consider, including how they as a person, would factor into this. There are a few things you can unpack here about non-monogamy, communication, and jealousy/security. I'm going to put a few links there that come at these from different angles, perhaps it may help to start by reading these, and then let us know which resonate with you, and the thoughts that arise?

• How do I get my girlfriend comfortable with the idea of a threesome?
• A First Polyamory Guide (this is a first in a series on polyamory and non-monogamy that might be useful for you to read in full, there is a sidebar in the articles with the others)
• Jealousy: Making Friends With a Green-Eyed Monster