what's normal + how to go further

[theatreluvin]

Hello, I just have a few questions:

When is it the average time to say I love you to a new partner?
We'll call him "A". We have been dating for almost two months, and I feel like I can see things going for a while with us. What are some tips for the event that he doesn't say it back to me? Should I just end the relationship? I just don't want to say it too early and scare him away, but I don't want to say it too late and miss my chance.

Also, sexually, I would like to go further with him, but I don't know how to bring up the topic. I was thinking just straight up asking him, but again, I'm scared of scaring him away. He fingers me a lot, but I would like to do other things for his pleasure as well. Any tips on how to bring up the topic?

[Sam W]

Hi theatreluvin,

That first question is tricky, because answer varies so much. Not only from person to person, but from relationship to relationship. One thing that can help is to think about how much weight you put on those three words; some people view "I love you" as a thing to say whenever it feels true, be that to friends, family, or partners, rather than a very loaded statement that needs to be saved for very specific situations. Other people feel like they should only say it when they're with someone who they feel they do, or will, have a deep, long lasting connection with. Do you feel like your own perspective leans in one of those directions?

As far as talking about sex and an interest in doing more, this article can be a really helpful starting place for those conversations: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

[theatreluvin]

Thank you for sharing the article.

I say I love you a lot to people, my friends, family, even just when I want to say it. Honestly I’ve only been in one other serious relationship as an adult so I don’t have many other examples romantically. It holds weight to me, in the sense that when I say it I do feel strong positive feelings towards who i’m saying it to, but it’s not necessarily something I reserve for only serious situations. I’m not sure if that makes any sense.

[Emily N]

Hi theatreluvin,

That makes sense! Like Sam said, there’s no specific length of time that’s “right” to say I love you for the first time. If you feel comfortable with it and want to say it, that’s okay! But I don’t believe that there is a “too late and miss my chance” situation!

If you decide to say it to him, and he doesn’t say it back, it doesn’t mean that you have to end your relationship at all! It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t deeply value you and your relationship. Saying I love you can take more time for some people, and that’s okay too. It’s just important that neither of you feel pressure to say something you aren’t ready for.

[theatreluvin]

I feel like I’d need space if he didn’t say it back, which isn’t fair to him but that’s SO embarrassing… just thinking about it makes me feel super vulnerable and rejected. I know it wouldn’t mean anything bad necessarily, but I feel like I’d never be able to show him my face again. I just don’t know how to make him not think that I want to end things I’d just be really embarrassed

[Siân]

hey theatreluvin,

I totally get that telling someone that you love them is a vulnerable thing to do. I wonder what makes you feel like you'd be embarrassed though? When we're embarrassed often it comes from feeling like we've done something wrong or weird, and I don't think loving someone is wrong or weird!

Would you like to talk a bit more about what might help you feel more accepting of not hearing it back if he's not there yet?