I am unexperienced, he is not.

[Len.123]

Hello!
I have a problem that is really driving me crazy, I am very desperate right now. I am in a relationship (my first one) with my boyfriend, we started dating over a year ago, and I can truly say that this is true love, for both of us. He respects me in every way possible and is very caring and understanding. But I have a big problem, and I know that I need to talk with him about it more: We havent had sex yet. And I know that that is not normal in such a long relationship. But: He has a lot of sexual experience, especially with experienced women, but I don't. At all. I am not a virgin anymore but I kind of feel like one, and it feels kind of hard for me to explain (to him). Sex is a big question mark for me. I don't even know why he is still around and why he is so patient with me. (I know that it's important for myself to set boundaries! But still.) But now I really want to take some steps further and experience all of this, especially with him, but I hate feeling so insecure and unexperienced. I just can't imagine that it will feel good for him to have sex with someone who has no clue what to do. I read a lot about this on the internet, and I feel prepared in "theory" but of course, no one can be good in something that they havent really done before. I am also kind of afraid to touch "him", not because I don't want to, just because I don't really know what feels right for a man. And I don't want to embarass myself. Do you have any advice for me?

[Emily N]

Hi Len.123!

You mentioned that because you have not had sex with your boyfriend yet, it’s a “big problem”. There should never be a rush to have sex if it doesn’t feel right to you.

When you say that you don’t understand “why he is still around”, maybe it would be helpful to think about all the amazing things you bring to the relationship that don’t have to do with sex - it’s okay to pump yourself up! It’s important that relationships are built on so so much more than just sex. Many relationships don’t involve sex at all, and those relationships are just as important and valid.

Maybe it would be helpful to do a check in with yourself - what are your motivations for wanting to have sex with your boyfriend? I agree that talking with your boyfriend about how you and he are both feeling about sex could be helpful in easing anxieties and building trust in your relationship.

“I just can't imagine that it will feel good for him to have sex with someone who has no clue what to do.”

Sex is pleasurable less because of the amount of “experience” someone has with it, but because of how you interact with your partner. More important than specific knowledge about sex is the ability to communicate and build trust with your partner, which it sounds like you are already focusing on! One way to think about it is that he has never had sex with you, either - so both of you have room to learn about what brings the other person pleasure.

How are you feeling about this? Do you want to talk through how you would start the conversation with your boyfriend?

[Len.123]

Thank you for your answer! I agree that there should never be a rush... but its been one year.. and it didnt really get a lot better. So I think I somehow have to overcome my anxiety? I dont know what it is but I'm kind of scared that I will feel this insecure my whole life.

“ One way to think about it is that he has never had sex with you, either - so both of you have room to learn about what brings the other person pleasure. ”

Yes.... you are absolutely right, but I don't really have high expectations.. I guess it feels much easier for him, after all, he know's roughly what he's doing.

“ Do you want to talk through how you would start the conversation with your boyfriend? ”

I think I would just confront him directly, and tell him everything that is on my mind. I'm also scared that I'm a little over-dramatic but I think it's a necessary thing for me to do.

[Emily N]

It could be that just starting out with a thoughtful and open conversation about sex, without any expectations that it will lead to sex in the near future, could be a good place to start to better understand some of your anxieties.

“I think I would just confront him directly, and tell him everything that is on my mind. I'm also scared that I'm a little over-dramatic but I think it's a necessary thing for me to do.”

It is not at all overdramatic! Sex brings a lot of emotions, so you’re right that it’s important for you to feel comfortable talking with your partner about how you feel.

While it can be super hard to shake insecurities, it sounds like you are spending time being thoughtful about them and working to address these insecurities! You said that you don't have high expectations - that’s okay! Expectations aren't very helpful during sex anyways