Asexuality

[flugame]

Hi,
So I realised I'm asexual about a year ago, and I'm out to a few close friends, which I'm totally fine with. Some other friends I have have had a few conversations over the past year that I'm completely fine with, but have made me kind of worried - generally, that because sex is an important part of a relationship for them, they wouldn't date a sex-averse asexual (or just anyone celibate). I'm fine with them dating whoever they want, but it's difficult to find out how common this is among people my age.

Now, there's this guy who I like and I'm planning to ask out on a date soon. Although he's clearly fine with LGBT+ stuff, my general impression of him is that he's a bit of a Clueless Cis person (I'm also trans but that's a whole other conversation) and, by extension, in my experience that usually means he's probably not that well educated on asexuality (and to be fair, this is just an assumption, and I don't know him that well). Obviously I want to date him, but I'm not sure how to bring up my asexuality (ideally before I ask him out) and generally, just nervous it'd be important for him and because I'm ace he wouldn't want to date me.

I know I shouldn't make assumptions, and I should probably just bring it up and if he doesn't want to date me because of this it's not that big of a deal, but I'm still worried about it (and also just that if it doesn't work out with him, that other people I'm interested in in the future won't want to date me as I'm ace), and would appreciate some guidance.

Thanks for your help & making this site so good xx

[Sam W]

Hi arrivederci,

You're right that just bringing this up to him ahead of time is likely the way to go, if for no other reason than you might feel better if it isn't hanging over your head as a thing you still have to explain to him. Is he a friend or someone else you talk with often enough that you could bring up asexuality in a more general sense in conversation to get a sense of what he knows about it?

It may also help to keep in mind that, even if he rejects you, that's not a sign that everyone you'll be interested in the rest of your life will do the same because you're ace. We all have traits or pieces of our identity that mean we'll be automatically rejected from other people's dating pools, but you ALSO have traits that make you someone's ideal partner, you know?