A Friend Hasn't Been Using Condoms for Intercourse: Should I Be Concerned?

[hello_world]

A friend of mine mentioned that the last time he had sex with his girlfriend, he didn't use a condom. I don't think that she's on any other kind of birth control and that they've been doing much to keep themselves STI-free. It seems like not using condoms wasn't really a one-time thing for them, and I'm pretty sure that they haven't planned anything for pregnancy. I hope we made it clear that he shouldn't've done that, but I'm still worried that he might keep doing it. He provided the reason that he didn't have a condom at the time and that for him sex "just happens," but that seems to show that safety isn't the first thing on their mind, and I think him never having to deal with wanting to have sex with someone and proceeding to not have intercourse doesn't reflect very well on how much their sexual relationships focuses on consent as well as showing a bit of traditional heteronormative intercourse-centricism. I'm probably being more nosey that I should be, as well as a pinch alarmist, but I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to them. Are these reasonable concerns? What should I do about them?

[Siân]

Hiya hello_world,

Ugh, it sucks to hear your friends talking about taking avoidable risks - like risking STI's or unwanted pregnancy. I think that if you want to share basic information about condom use, or troubleshoot with them in a non-judgemental way how they could respond next time they want to have sex and don't have condoms to hand then that's fine, but ultimately your friend and his girlfriend get to choose what they do with their bodies. I hear you that it doesn't sound like you have the same sexual values as your friend (using barriers, defining sex as more that just intercourse) but we don't change hearts and minds with lectures, we do it with sharing information and gentle questions. Ultimately, you can't change your friend's behaviour, and whilst I do think that we have an obligation to call out behaviour that is unethical, I don't hear anything specific here that confirms that your friend's girlfriend isn't also on board with what they are doing. What do you think?

[hello_world]

I definitely agree that I need to be a bit more tactful and less probing. Unless he brings it up again I don't think I should pursue it, cause there's not really a good way to do so, I don't think.

[Urna]

You'd know your situation best. Whenever it comes up, Sian's advice will be useful for navigating that situation, I think.