Can't orgasm with my boyfriend

[melanie420]

Hello,

I am a girl who cannot orgasm with her boyfriend but can when i touch myself alone. I love him to pieces and i am majorly attracted to him, but i only get physically aroused (wet), not mentally (don't really get horny/turned on to the point i want to do stuff, i just want to do it to pleasure him). I am comparing my mental arousal to when i watch porn or i am horny when i'm alone. I want to have sex with him and i do. It still feels good but i simply can't orgasm. I have tried touching my clit during intercourse but i don't really feel my fingers. He also does things to stimulate my clit (oral and fingering) but i still can't orgasm and i don't really get tingles down there. I feel like he does alot of it right, like i can't give him any tips. I feel hopeless and broken because all i want is for us to be able to orgasm together. I used to put alot of pressure on myself to orgasm with him but now i have accepted that i can't so we just have sex with the intention for intimacy and his orgasm (he still makes it good for me but i dont expect orgasm anymore). I just really wish i could orgasm with him. We have been having sex for a year now. I have also tried touching myself when im with him but it doesn't really work, even with a vibrator (only tried vibrator once). I've been considering watching porn in the bathroom before but i don't think it will do much. We have watched porn together a little but it didn't really arouse me even then. I wouldn't consider myself anxious around him, i feel quite comfortable with him.

Any help is appreciated please <3

[Urna]

Hi Melanie, and welcome to Scarleteen!

I'm sorry that you're in this upsetting situation. It's true that orgasms shouldn't be considered the end goal of sex, but it's so valid to want to orgasm together, and to share that wonderful feeling with someone you love. Would you mind going into a little more detail about your thoughts/feelings during sex with your boyfriend, and how they differ from your thoughts/feelings when you're masturbating alone, if they differ at all?

[melanie420]

Would you mind going into a little more detail about your thoughts/feelings during sex with your boyfriend, and how they differ from your thoughts/feelings when you're masturbating alone, if they differ at all?

I'm not really sure how they differ.. I mean it feels good during both. I guess maybe there's the expectation from me to be doing well in bed and looking good but also at this point it doesn't really bother me like i don't actually think about it like that anymore. I am more vocal during sex rather than when alone, like making more sounds and talking. I do try and show how good it feels for me so i guess i am kind of focussed on that during sex, which i don't have to be when solo, but i also feel like that wouldn't make too much of an impact. I'm not really sure.. if you have any examples i could agree/disagree or build upon them but i don't really think there's much else

[Sofi]

Hi melanie420, hope it's okay if I jump in! I know you mentioned you aren't anxious and are quite comfortable with him, and that you've tried clitoral stimulation during sex with him - all the details you provided were very helpful so we can rule some stuff out, so thank you! My best guess is that either there's something that's a bit 'off' (a turn off, whether physically or mentally) - remember our main sexual organ is the brain, so it could be something not even sex-related that's sort of getting in the way. Or, you simply need a little more from him or from your sessions with him. It's normal for it to be easier to orgasm alone for a lot of people, whereas usually more foreplay is needed to orgasm with a partner, especially for people with vaginas. There's an article on here that has a lot of great information that I think will be helpful for you; you can skip the masturbation section if you don't want to read the whole thing, but make sure you read the beginning and mostly the last section: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide. Does any of it resonate with you?

[melanie420]

My best guess is that either there's something that's a bit 'off' (a turn off, whether physically or mentally) - remember our main sexual organ is the brain, so it could be something not even sex-related that's sort of getting in the way. Or, you simply need a little more from him or from your sessions with him. It's normal for it to be easier to orgasm alone for a lot of people, whereas usually more foreplay is needed to orgasm with a partner, especially for people with vaginas.

Hiya,
I think it is mainly a brain thing. Like we do quite abit of foreplay (around 20 minutes at least) which involves kissing and touching eachother but it doesn't really stimulate me mentally too much, like it feels good but im not horny or anything i just want to do it if you know what i mean? But i don't really know how else i could get myself psychologically aroused around him. I also read your article; the stuff about arousal, that's what i'm missing like i have the desire but just not psychological arousal. I don't know how to gain it i'm not sure if it's something turning me off like you said or if i just don't have it in the first place.

[Emily N]

Hi melanie420,

That’s frustrating, I’m sorry! It’s so hard to just “make yourself aroused” when you’re just not, even if you really want to be! It’s especially hard when we start to feel any expectations about how we “should” be feeling during sex. Hmm, I’m trying to think of some new ideas… Let me know if any of these resonate with you!

- Have you tried masturbating with each other while removing the physical intimacy?
- Who usually initiates sex / is there space for you to initiate sex?
- Would you consider removing sex from your relationship for a certain amount of time to see if it changes anything? You could also try replacing sex with some other intimate activity (like backrubs), and take note of what feelings come up for you.