Just need some reassurance

[sky]

Hey all!

So I know I posted awhile ago I was in a relationship but that didn’t work out. I went out on Saturday and I met this girl (I know I’ve gone through a lot of sexual identities but I think I’m homoromantic and asexual) I’m still having trouble accepting that I’m into women but I met her and I had a few drinks so I wasn’t shy anymore and we were flirting at the bar and we were holding hands and she was talking about going home with me and I was like uh no and she was about to give me her number and she said wait before I do are you full lesbian I said I think so.

Her whole demeanor changed and she told me that she doesn’t do anyone whose not full lesbian, I said I’m not sure maybe I’m asexual (I don’t know why I said that) and she said “ew who the fuck is asexual now a days I’m very sexual bye” and she started to walk away and I was like bye and then she came back and said stay straight and asked me and my guy friend I was with if we ever hooked up and that we should and it was just such a bad experience, she made me feel like absolute shit. Are most lesbians like that? Made me feel like I wasn’t valid at all. I already don’t feel valid because I’m not sure but she just made me feel even worse. I’m sad about it

[Sam W]

Hi Sky!

I'm sorry you had such a crummy experience, especially when you were starting to like this person. I'm confident in saying that most lesbians you run into aren't like this; a sad fact of life is that people of all identities can be jerks. Too, when you have an sexual orientation that falls outside of a very narrow gay/straight binary, there is a subcategory of people who just do not know how to deal with it and end up being rude as a result. That sucks, but it doesn't make those identities less real.

All that being said, the opinion of one person doesn't change the conclusions you've come to about your own identity. I know you've done a lot of work when it comes to deciding what labels feel right when describing yourself, so I can guarantee you know more about the truth of your own identity than one random person does. Does that make sense?

[sky]

It does make sense. It just really made me feel so crappy. I’m still thinking about it a lot .

[Sam W]

That's understandable, when someone is rude about part of your identity it can really get under your skin. I wonder if it might help over the next few days to do or consume things that help you feel more at home in your identity and help you forget that person's comments.

[sky]

I remember heather once offered to give me some books or tv shows or movies that had lesbians in it that wasn’t sexual like erotica or porn which is what I always go into and then hate myself for it and panic because I don’t know how to do any of that. Would you or them be able to recommend me some stuff? Preferably tv or movies, or ones with asexual people I don’t think anyone really has those but if you know of any let me know please, anything to stop making me feel broken.

[Valerie J]

Hi sky!

I've got a couple suggestions for you. First of all, for Pride this year our lovely staff and volunteers came up with a pretty rad list of queer media that we find to be positive representations so I've attached that here: Queer Your Eyes and Ears (with some help from the Scarleteam)!

Additionally, it always helps to be reading/watching/enjoying content you actually like. So what kind of media do you like consuming? Do you like fiction, non-fiction, science-fiction, historical, romantic, comedy, etc? If you can give me a little insight into what you like I can try to find some more recommendations for you. I'm big on queer media so I will rack my brain for recommendations.

On a personal note, I just wanted to let you know that I identify as a lesbian who is on the asexual spectrum and I am by far not the only person I know who identifies as such or bisexual and ace or pansexual and ace. I truly believe you will find other people who share your experience and will celebrate it! Some of my most enriching and deep conversations I've had with my friends have stemmed from us understanding how asexuality looks like in our lives and how it positively informs who we are and how we care for other people.

It's okay to just be figuring out who you are. I'm still figuring out my sexuality and gender and that's okay! It's a beautiful journey to be on and I'm excited for you to be taking the steps you are.

Hope this list is a good starting point and please feel free to let me know what kind of media you might be looking for!

Best,
Val

[sky]

Hi Val!! I’m so happy you popped in here! Thank you for sharing that about yourself, I though I was alone in it and weird in being lesbian and somewhere on the ace spectrum. I’ll definitely look into some of those tv options!! Thank you so much! I’m trying to forget what that girl said and realize I’m valid as what I identify as regardless. I sometimes feel invalid because I’ve never been with a girl to say I’m lesbian, I’ve never been with a guy to say I’m lesbian and I’ve never had sex or close to sex to say I’m ace. I just know I don’t really wanna have sex and if I do have intimacy I want it to be with a girl which is why I identify as lesbian if that makes sense

[sky]

Hi Val!! I’m so happy you popped in here! Thank you for sharing that about yourself, I though I was alone in it and weird in being lesbian and somewhere on the ace spectrum. I’ll definitely look into some of those tv options!! Thank you so much! I’m trying to forget what that girl said and realize I’m valid as what I identify as regardless. I sometimes feel invalid because I’ve never been with a girl to say I’m lesbian, I’ve never been with a guy to say I’m lesbian and I’ve never had sex or close to sex to say I’m ace. I just know I don’t really wanna have sex and if I do have intimacy I want it to be with a girl which is why I identify as lesbian if that makes sense

[Heather]

Sky: it's really good to see you, and I'm glad to know that separate from this garbage, you're doing well.

You know, I think that when we feel like the outlier, we can be quick to assume that the way someone else behaves is automatically representative of everyone else, because we assume other people = normal, and we are the weirdos, you know? But as you've been assured here, I would not, by any means, assume how this person acts is representative of lesbians, of women you might go on dates with, of queer people, of anyone, really. This was some pretty outer limits jerky behaviour, and I'd say *this* person's behaviour is what you should consider out of the ordinary, not the other way around. <3

[sky]

Heather!!! I think about you all the time! I hope you’re doing good!! I often find myself doing stupid shit and I say to myself heather would think this is a red flag you need to go and it’s genuinely helped me so much. You have literally changed my life. I have official diagnosis’ and you were right, I am bipolar along with having borderline personality disorder. Im medicated, have been for awhile still trying to get the doses right and going to start therapy Thursday.

Last night I had a lapse in judgment and a manic episode and I thought to myself they would not appreciate this so I stopped what I was doing and protected myself. Im starting to get some sense of self worth now. I still hate myself but im learning little by little to accept and love myself. So happy you all don’t hate me. It’s really good to talk to you. I appreciate you and everyone here and this entire site so much. You’re great.

[Heather]

No one hates or ever hated you, and I’m so sorry to know that’s a fear you’ve had. We understand how rocky a road the kind you’ve been on can be, truly. I’ve had a very difficult year, but hearing these updates from you is just wonderful news. I’m so glad and relieved for these positive changes and these things that can hopefully bring more of them for you to come.

[sky]

I’m sorry you’ve had a rough year heather. I’m on your side and always hoping for your success and health. All of you here.

If possible I’d like to talk to heather about this part- so I start therapy Thursday night and I want to talk to her about why I do the things I do but I don’t know how to explain it. Can I tell her about my sexual urges but fear and constant need for want? I don’t know how to talk about it because I’m not even sure how I feel about it. Is there anyway you can help me figure out how to bring it up on the first appointment because I know she wants to start dbt therapy but I just want to stop doing these stupid things for “validation”. I let them say whatever they want to me because they are getting happy because of me and it makes me feel like I have some sense of worth because they “like me” if that makes sense

[Heather]

Thanks, sky. Happy to help with this.

Have you met this therapist already, or will this be a first meeting?

[sky]

First meeting

[Heather]

Okay.

So, since that's the case, you might want to be prepared that this first visit will probably be for intake, and what and how it goes may be more up to her than to you. In other words, she probably has a system and protocols with how she starts with a new patient, and will probably be asking you a whole bunch of questions, and also leave some room for you to ask questions of her.

If you want some simple shorthand for what I think you're saying you want to ask about -- I think I get it, anyway -- I believe what you want to ask about is a history of impulsivity/compulsivity when it comes to sex and romance as a desire to be validated, even when you know it's not, or the people you're seeking this with are not, healthy or safe. How does that sound?

[sky]

I’m really nervous for this heather. I wanna get better so badly I’m trying so hard but my illness is so much bigger then me and I’m struggling. I’m trying to win it’s just hard. I’m scared

[Heather]

I get it, you have a lot riding on this! It's also tough when you've had a lot of tries with something and you've built up fatigue around it when it comes to feeling like you keep failing (even though that's not what's actually been happening -- you haven't been failing).

You're right about it being bigger than you, but look at you, knowing that now! That's so different than in the past, and that past wasn't even that long ago, though it probably feels like it was. The good news is that you're galvanizing here to build a support team, and a team of people is going to be much more capable of handling this than you all by yourself.

I'd be honest with this new therapist about these feelings, as able as you feel to be open. I'd also be honest with her about how you know you are fatigued with trying, and that you know from the past that that can be a recipe for disaster for you -- that when you get frustrated, or don't see a fast result, since you have been trying for so long and feel so overwhelmed, you can feel ready to give up easily, so will probably need some extra help staying the course.

[sky]

I will be honest with her. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you. I really hope I like her. If I don’t get along with her I honestly will just shut down but I’m going to try my best not too and try and find someone else. It’s just hard with money.

[sky]

I’m gonna be honest and tell you that I want to try. I hope you can see how hard I’m already trying but I genuinely don’t have another intake process in me. It’s so triggering and exhausting. If this one doesn’t work I honestly don’t think I can do it again. Makes me feel like I’m giving up on myself or something because it feels like no one else cares and I have to do this for myself but sometimes I just don’t feel worthy of this help, I don’t feel worthy enough to get better.

This is all just really hard and I know that I’m not really allowed to be talking about mental health here because that’s not what this site is about but I’m still really struggling even with meds. Everyday is such a hard battle. It’s gotten better it really has but damn this is so hard and I’m literally completely exhausted. So many relationships have failed, I’ve been hospitalized twice. I’ve been on so many meds, I’ve had so many allergies that I’ve literally puked outside random apartment complexes from being so sick from taking my meds, I’ve missed countless days of work because I couldn’t get out of bed. I’m just tired and I’m really putting all my eggs into this basket tomorrow and I’m terrified.

[Heather]

I hear you.

I think that you probably will serve yourself best by doing what ever you can to try not to spiral into catastrophic thinking right now that can easily be a self-fulfilling prophecy that sets you up for this to go poorly even if it wasn't going to.

Rather than focusing on if this doesn't work, I'd suggest trying to focus on what it can do for you positively, like:
• Going to this appointment and seeing it through is one more step is an act of self-care and self-determination
• Taking the positive risk of going through this process with the therapist opens you up to the possibility of getting help that not taking it wouldn't allow you
• Doing this reinforces that you ARE worthy of help and are worthy of a better life, of feeling better
• An opportunity to learn how to go into something like this without putting all your eggs in one basket, but in a more balanced way (more on that in a sec)
• An opportunity to tell someone your story and have them believe you and hold space for you, whether or not they wind up being the right therapist for you

Maybe you can sit down and try and add to this list?

I would also try to think of this not as putting all your eggs in this one basket. I feel like that's some of where you have gotten into trouble before. This one person can't fix you. You don't need "fixing" in the first place, of course, you're not broken, you just need help learning to hold all you are holding and to manage those things and your illnesses. But even if this person can help with that, they can't do it alone. They need you to do that -- you will still be doing most of the work -- and you will be doing that with them in concert with others who are part of your support system, too. You don't need to rely on just one person: it's no wonder you get so scared by that because, for sure, that's very scary. It's too much! But the good news is, it's also not a thing.

Tomorrow is going to be stressful for you, for sure, because I hear you, intake and all of it -- especially when you have been through this again and again, and when you have been through all of what you have -- can feel so daunting and just...ugh. But you never know. The last intake I had, I wound up meeting the therapist I've now had for the last six (seven?) years or so, and it was such a relief even just twenty minutes into the appointment. Will that happen for you? Who knows, but it is possible, is all I'm saying.

What can you do for yourself tonight and tomorrow to help make it less stressful for you tomorrow? can you get good sleep tonight? Is there something you can do that makes you feel good, calm, safe?

[sky]

I don’t really know what to say to that. I read it and understand you fully. Thanks for hearing me. I just don’t know what to say. I hope I’ll be able to sleep tonight lol I haven’t slept through the night fully in like almost a month who knows why. I can update you if I like her if you’d like. If you don’t want me too I fully understand I know you have 8 million things to do in a day.

[sky]

I have a question. Is it a red flag for a guy you barely know to say he wants to like I don’t know how to say it without being gross because it makes me uncomfortable, that he loves my innocence and wants to bust in me.

It creeped me out and I blocked him the next morning. I say it as a red flag… did I do the right thing blocking him? We only knew each other for like 30 mins on tinder too when this happened

[Heather]

I'm glad to stay updated on how it goes with the therapist. You're in my thoughts today.

In terms of blocking that guy, yeah, I think you did the right thing. For one, drawing boundaries and hard lines ANY time you feel you want and need them, for any reason, is always okay, and as an abuse survivor, it's extra-important self-care. It can also be harder for survivors to feel we've a right to even do that, so good on you for following your instincts to do what felt right for your own needs.

I also certainly don't think that someone talking that way is a signal of a person who is seeing you as a whole person ir is likely to have any respect for you. Look: we can engage with people sexually, even want only to have a sexual relationship with someone but still treat someone as a whole person, with their dignity intact. Talking to someone like he was you, reducing you to a purity fetish, and without your consent, no less? Nuh-uh. Good call.

[sky]

Yeah. I told him I wasn’t gonna have sex with him and he proceeded to tell me all these things and tell me everything he’d do to me and what he wants me to do to him and to sneak him in my house and let everyone hear us. It was all weird I hated it. I just pretend to like it so that I could feel wanted but after I just felt like a masturbation device and not a human being at all. He was telling me how hard I got him and I didn’t even do anything it was the fact I was a virgin that was doing that for him.

I decided I’m not going to tell anyone I’m a virgin until the first date to avoid things like that. It makes me uncomfortable and I hate it so much. Thank you for the reassurance I appreciate you.

[Heather]

Oh yuck, I’m so sorry.

What do you feel like you would have needed to cut him off earlier, rather than after you were already very uncomfortable?