Lesbian but having kinky/violent fantasies about men

[belled]

TW: fantasies about violence and rape

Hi there. I’m a 19yo girl and I’m 99% sure I’m a lesbian. I had a few crushes on male celebrities or fictional characters when I was about 12, but I think I just struggled with a bit of compulsory heterosexuality back then. I haven’t felt physically attracted to a man in several years. However, I sometimes have very vivid fantasies that involve men, and they’re confusing to me.

When I imagine sex with women, it’s pretty vanilla. But my fantasies about men are kinky and sometimes even violent. For example, sometimes I fantasize about a guy yanking me around by my hair, slapping me, and calling me insulting things, or sometimes I dream about him beating and torturing me. Some of my fantasies involve nonconsensual contact. I also have fantasies about dominating and humiliating men, but usually I dream of being dominated. I won’t go into the details because some of the fantasies are pretty nasty, but you get the picture. It’s a completely different feeling than anything I would want to do with a girl.

I know that I can’t act these things out in real life because they’re illegal. I also know that in real life, I’m a proud feminist and I don’t support violence or sexual assault. However, I sometimes have this weird curiosity about being raped by a man, and sometimes I even think that I wouldn’t really mind it if it happened to me. I have friends who have actually experienced sexual assault and I feel like I’m being a horrible friend for even thinking about this, but sometimes I literally wish that their rapists had picked me instead of my friends because I wouldn’t have disliked it so much. I know that these thoughts are completely irrational, but I can’t shake them off and I feel so guilty. I can’t even read news articles or stories involving violence anymore because I start to fantasize about it happening to me.

I’ve been keeping these thoughts under control for a while now, but yesterday I lost control. I was reading a book for school and it described a scene where a man threatens to beat up his son, and I started wishing that someone would beat me up. It was such a strong feeling that I suddenly slapped myself in the face and started cursing myself. Thankfully, I was alone and no one saw me, but it still freaked me out because I felt really out of control. I just get such a rush of adrenaline every time I think about the possibility of someone hurting me. I do have ADHD and I know that it can make people more prone to risky behavior, but I don’t think this is an ADHD symptom that I can just “learn to live with”. It’s disrupting my life and it’s scaring me. Do you have any idea why this might be happening or what I can do about it? Any help would be appreciated.

[Sam W]

Hi belled,

Those sound like really intense thoughts to be dealing with, and it seems like you already know that they're coming from a place that isn't really rational. And, given the distress they're causing you, I think it's a sound choice to try and work out if there's a deeper source of them, ideally with a professional.

Since you have an ADHD diagnosis, are you currently seeing a therapist or other mental healthcare provider? If not, is there a possibility of returning to the one who helped you get the diagnosis? I ask because some of the things you're describing in this post and in other conversations we've had sound like recurring compulsive or intrusive thoughts (in other words, thoughts that we don't want to have but can't seem to stop). Those kinds of thoughts can be a symptom of a few different things, including OCD, so talking with a therapist about them may also reveal that there's another mental health issue that isn't being treated.

[belled]

Hi belled,

Those sound like really intense thoughts to be dealing with, and it seems like you already know that they're coming from a place that isn't really rational. And, given the distress they're causing you, I think it's a sound choice to try and work out if there's a deeper source of them, ideally with a professional.

Since you have an ADHD diagnosis, are you currently seeing a therapist or other mental healthcare provider? If not, is there a possibility of returning to the one who helped you get the diagnosis? I ask because some of the things you're describing in this post and in other conversations we've had sound like recurring compulsive or intrusive thoughts (in other words, thoughts that we don't want to have but can't seem to stop). Those kinds of thoughts can be a symptom of a few different things, including OCD, so talking with a therapist about them may also reveal that there's another mental health issue that isn't being treated.

Thank you so much for your help and support, Sam. I haven't been consistently going to therapy lately, but I can set up an appointment with my therapist and see if she can help.

I've had obsessive thoughts since I was a kid. When I was younger, they were about normal things (for example, I had an intense fascination with butterflies when I was 6). But as a teenager, the thoughts just kept getting weirder and more unpleasant. My therapist said that hyperfixations can be a symptom of ADHD, but it wouldn't surprise me if I have some other things going on too. I'll check it out.

[Sam W]

You're welcome! I hope you're able to get that appointment pretty soon; even if this turns out to be an extension of hyperfixating, talking with your therapist about how to address the fixation on thoughts that disturb or upset you will hopefully give you some new tools to approach it.

[AutisticQueer]

Omg I'm so shocked right now because I've been thinking that I'm a lesbian but I also have kinky fantasies about men! And I was thinking that it might also invalidates the possibility of me being a lesbian. It's exactly what you said, "When I imagine sex with women, it’s pretty vanilla. But my fantasies about men are kinky and sometimes even violent". But I don't have intrusive thoughts about this and I'm really sorry you do. It must be very exhausting.

I even wrote a post on Reddit telling about this (if you're interested to read): https://www.reddit.com/r/actuallesbians ... al_with_a/

Talking more about me (maybe you can relate to this):
In sexual relations with men, I have always adopted and still adopt a totally submissive role (my fetishes have always involved a lot of submission. I always had the fetish of consensual non-consent when it comes to men), submitting myself totally to the other person's will so that he can do what he wants with me and I do what he tells me to do. I really feel uncomfortable with playing a more active role when I think about sex with men, usually I literally just lie in bed letting the person “handle” me, put me in the position he want, or when I already know that the person likes a certain thing, I do. I have a very strong feeling that with a man it has to be this dynamic where I’m submissive and he dominates and controls me, I do everything he wants and I have no wills of my own, my desires don’t exist. In short, the feeling I have is that I have to be totally objectified when I have sex with men... However, with girls it’s different. Although I've never had the opportunity to bond intimately with a girl, not even kiss, it's a desire I have. When I think about sex with girls, it's quite different from what I've described with boys. The idea that comes to me is very soft, light, delicate, sweet... It's something much more loving, affectionate and comfortable, and with a more joint and balanced dynamic, with both parties having an active role and their own desires, and the desire to give mutual pleasure. When I think about relating to a girl, I imagine myself touching her body, being curious, wanting to explore and actively caress, kiss, and also a pure desire to take care of her, to protect her.

I think that difference between both dynamics could be a sign of me being a lesbian, and also because I have a lot of daddy issues so I used to seek deeply for men approval, validation and attention at any cost (even if it meant accepting to receive this attention in a sexual way...), so I wanted to do anything to please them.

Anyways, I hope you can get better and that these uncomfortable thoughts stop bothering you!